Flashbacks

Even when I'm sleeping, I know it's a memory.

I walk into my high school Spanish class and she runs up to me and throws her arms around me. She kisses my lips. I'm astonished and look Cindy in the eyes. I've spent many evenings looking into those deep amber pools, but now I can't. I turn away and walk to my seat, which is at the back of the class. I sit down immediately and wonder if anyone in the class saw that. No one looks over.

Cindy sits almost across from me and gets up again. She walks over to me. I'm in the next aisle. I'm frightened and nervous, but most of all I'm turned on. This doesn't surprise me though. I've had a crush on Cindy for years. We were best friends in middle school, and that friendship just molded into something else over time. But I don't know what it is. What is it when you wind up stroking your best friends' hair and talking for hours? What is it when you snuggle in bed with your best friend for hours? What is it when you cuddle and hold each other? Hold hands? Spend hours on the phone together? Even  discuss the possibility that you should both be in a relationship together?

Cindy's got her hands on my knees and she is kneeling in front of me. Her fingers are lightly circling my knees.

 "Ruby, please. I saw the note. I know how you feel," Cindy says softly, smiling. "I feel the same way. I think we should try. Trust me."

She pries my knees apart gently with her hands and runs one hand under my knee. The other hand travels up my thigh and under my skirt.

"Cindy, I just don't know," I whisper, feeling my face turn redder by the second. "I don't think I can. I have a boyfriend and..."

"I have a boyfriend too. Well, I did. Now I don't, but that isn't important. What do you want? I want to be with you," she says completely confidently. Her fingers likely stroking my inner thigh. "No one has to know."

"I just don't know," I say leaning over toward her. I'm aware Cindy, who is kneeling in front of me, can see up my skirt and her fingers are fluttering over my panties. I try to remember which ones they are, but all I can think is that I want them off.

"After school..." Cindy starts saying.

"Cynthia Jones, get back into your seat!" screams our Spanish teacher, flamboyantly raising his arms. He looks shocked, but then smiles knowingly. "Save the gossip for after class ladies."

"Meet me at my locker after class," Cindy whispers as she takes her seat.

The class starts. I cross my legs and try not to look at Cindy.

I want to meet her at her locker, but I don't. I don't trust myself enough. I don't know what I'm feeling. Last week my Mom pulled me aside and told me that it would be hard if I were a lesbian,  so I shouldn't be one. Since then, I've felt like I've stepped in quicksand and I can't pull myself out. What if everyone knew? Mom must know. Cindy knows I love her. I wrote her a love note. She does know, but I can't be with her. I just can't be that way. And what if she is fooling me? What if she doesn't really feel the same?

Cindy does feel the same. She shows up at my front door after school and we go to the playground and crawl into one of the cement tunnels. Although I don't trust myself, Cindy doesn't care. She takes my hand palm-to-palm and puts her arm around me. It's a bit awkward at first and we laugh, but then she kisses me. The kisses are soft and moist. Her chest is against mine. My legs are wrapped around her torso.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

I wake up alone in bed, sweating. - Ruby