Apologies, Sex and Chicken Breasts

Chloe turned up at my apartment the evening after she appeared in my bedroom with a black eye . She had grocery bag in hand.

"I'm so sorry. You are the only one I want to be with. I've been acting very stupid. I just don't know if I'm girlfriend material," she said.

"You mean you don't know if you want a girlfriend," I replied. I considered slamming the door in her face.

"Well,  I do want you as a girlfriend, but I'm a mess. I need to explain. Can I cook you dinner?" she asked and pushed the door back open.

"OK, but no funny business," I said, rolling my eyes. I was hungry and tired. I didn't have time for bullshit, but I wanted to hear her explanation.

Chloe walked into my kitchen and pulled some chicken breast, bacon, cheese, green beans and a bottle of wine out of her big brown bag. "I'm going to try very hard to be girlfriend material, but in the past I haven't been good at it. I feel like I always get the short end of the stick," she said. "Things got really intense and serious with you really fast, which is good, but it scares me," she continued. "Usually girls just want a fling and nothing more, ya' know? But I am really drawn to you and I'm not sure where that's headed and I just am trying to take it slow, but be as intense as we have been and, well, I'm falling in love with you... "

Listening to Chloe, I felt like I was some lesbian vampire sucking the life out of her mojo or something. I made her fall in love and that was bad? I was like a warped lipstick lesbian version of Edward from Twilight.

...Is This Awesome?! Episode 4 "TWILIGHT" - watch more funny videos

"Well, I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do," I replied.

"No I want to be with you! That's what I'm saying and that's why I am here cooking dinner. I'm just not good at it," she said dropping washed green beans into a pot. She threw one in my direction. "This is NOT what I want," she said pointing toward her black eye. "I'm tired of this!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, you mean, you want to be with me now?" I was having a hard time following her thought process.

I got another uncooked green bean in the face. "Duh." Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me close and kissed me. It was one of those Wow kisses. Really. Wow. Needless to say, I didn't really understand what was going on in Chloe's head. To me her thought process was as cryptic as the lyrics to a Regina Spektor song, but I did know I was falling in love with her.





I decided to go with the flow and forgive her wandering eye this time. I figured time would tell if this romance with Chloe would work out. In the meantime I would enjoy having my arms wrapped around Chloe's torso, enjoy the kissing, and the laughter as we made love on the tiled kitchen floor; eventually forgetting the uncooked chicken breasts sitting alone on the kitchen counter. - Ruby

Home is Where the Heart Is

The eve of my 30th birthday is approaching, though I am not the first of my friends to reach this milestone. This weekend Nigella and I hit the town to celebrate my friend Jay's big three-zero. He decided that 310 Lounge on Bowery would be the place to kick off this next chapter of our lives.

Nigella and I drank, danced, and were very merry. As we performed our best choreography to my new favorite party song, Timbaland's Carry Out, another party goer made his way up to us.

"Hey, how are ya, I'm Phil", Jay's friend introduced himself.

"Hello. Nice to meet you, my name is Frankie", I replied. He was about my height, shaved head, large, though construction worker solid, and very attractive hazel green eyes, which I noticed when a light hit his face.

"How do ya know Jay?", he asked.

"Oh we have been friends since junior high", I informed him.

"You went to I.S.34 too? You probably know my younger brother Carlos. Carlos Figueroa. If you're Jay's age then you were all in the same class", said Phil.

Oh no, a Staten Island guy, I thought and yes, of course I went to school with his brother. Everyone on Staten Island is separated by perhaps 1/2 a degree.

"Oh you're from Staten Island. Yes, I know Carlos. He used to torment me in band class," I said, laughing, "That's funny. How is he? Please tell him that I said hello". I was not very impressed now that I knew that Phil was a Staten Island guy.

"Eh, ya know. He is ok. So who are you here with?", asked Phil.

I introduced him to Nigella who was now chatting up a Dwayne Johnson look a like.

The clock continued ticking away, closer to my thirtieth year and I discovered that Phil was actually quite nice, seemed to have some values, and not a douchey Staten Island punk.

It was getting late and Nigella wanted to stop for pizza on the way home so I said goodnight to Phil. I gave my number to him when he asked; Jay could give all the details and a character reference to me tomorrow. That was the great thing about meeting a guy in this type of environment. I knew Jay's opinion would matter most as he is one of my oldest friends; he would not steer me wrong.

While enjoying a goat cheese pie at Lil' Frankie's, Nigella commented, "So, you and Phil seemed to hit it off."

"He is nice, though...he is from Staten Italy", I informed her.

"Oh no. Run now. Don't do it! Once you escape the bubble, you don't begin dating people who live inside the bubble. You don't see me hooking up with guys from Rockland county", advised Nigella.

"I gave him my number, we are not buying real estate together. We'll see what happens. If Jay is able to vouch for him then he could be fine", I reasoned.

As the sun was rising on the day after Jay's 30th birthday and crept closer to rising on mine, I began to gain more clarity...and control.

--Frankie

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater?

I heard my bedroom door open and almost jumped out of bed.

"Who's there!" I exclaimed, trying to shake off my sleep.

"Babe, babe, it's OK. Just me," whispered Chloe. "Frankie let me in."

"What time is it?" I asked and yawned.

"Two. Sorry I woke you," Chloe said as she crawled into bed behind me and wrapped her arms around my body. "I missed you."

Chloe smelled of beer from the bar and blood? I turned around to get a close look at my girlfriend who was now sporting a black eye and a bloody lip. "What the hell?" Well so much for sleeping. "What happened to you?"

Chloe giggled nervously. "It's a long story, I'll tell you in the morning," she said.

"No you'll tell me now," I demanded.

"Well, it's stupid. This bouncer at the bar thought I was hitting on her girlfriend and started pushing at me and then things got a bit out of hand," she explained anxiously.

"Were you hitting on her?" I asked.

"No. No baby. I just looked at her and served her a drink, and then she started talking to me about her girlfriend," she said. "Then I got pushed, and she hit my lip, and I threw a punch back and she got me in the eye."

"Well, if you were flirting with her girlfriend you deserved it," I said getting up to go to the kitchen and get an icepack for her swollen face. I imagined Chloe fighting like it was a scene out of Lady Gaga's new video "Telephone".






"Babe, I swear I wasn't flirting," she lied. Chloe flirted with everyone and I really had no patience for lies. It made me wonder if she was in the Cheater Registry.

"Where is this going Chloe?" I asked and placed a the icepack in a towel on her head. "Really, do you want a girlfriend or do you just like saying the word?"

"I want a girlfriend," she said.

"Well, I'm not just any girlfriend. I'm me and I don't want a half-assed relationship," I said. "I certainly don't want my girlfriend beaten up in bars for flirting with other girls. Get it?"

"Yeah. I got it," Chloe said. "I'm scared. Just scared. I haven't felt this way about anyone for a really long time. I don't know if I'm ready for it," she said.

"Then you have to figure it out," I said. "I think you should go home and sleep on it."

"I would rather sleep on you?" she said and smiled one of those I'm so charming-type smiles.

"Unfortunately, I'm not a pillow," I answered.

"I want to be girlfriends," Chloe said said suddenly. "I'm just acting stupid. I'm sorry. So sorry. Please can I stay and hold you tonight."

"Listen, you don't know if you want to hold me or some other girl you met at the bar. I think you should go home," I said sending Chloe and her ice pack out the door. - Ruby

Making Marry

While Ruby was trying to figure out her love life, I was trying to refocus away from my own. I visited my mother in stagnant Staten Island (not a wise decision after a break-up…is it really ever wise?). She is not one to offer chicken soup for my soul, though is extremely good at getting me on my defenses and making me pick up my chin, as I never know when she is going to throw an emotional punch at my proverbial gut.

We drove along Hylan Boulevard from the bus stop toward Bay Street on the way to Bayou. The only heat I thought to expect this evening would come from the delicious Seafood Jambalaya.

We ordered, chatted about what was new and not so exciting. “So what happened with this one?”, asked Frannie snidely, referring to Josh.

“Same thing that happens when people are not compatible, their relationship does not last. He is young. You’re a cougar and are familiar with his type I am sure”, I replied.

Then it began.

"When are you going to get married?", asked Frannie.

"When are you going to stop asking about this? I am not even dating anyone. Why can't you ask about things that are important to me? Like, when are you applying to graduate school? Or, when are you going to move away from New York? Why do you assume that landing a husband is my priority?", I asked, obviously irritated.

"Well, I worry about you," she said, "and I want to know that you are taken care of so I don't have to worry."

"Oh right. Worry. You have been so good at that. I believe that I established that I am quite capable of taking care of myself when your skeevy boyfriend tried to seduce me from behind last year.", I said, bringing her to the verge of tears.

It was at this time when the check arrived. I grabbed it and paid, as is usually the case.

"Here you go. I pay, AGAIN. You see, how I take care of YOU?. How dare you put pressure on me. You did the same thing when Grandma was ill; pressuring me to marry Cooper. I will marry after I fall in love after I am good and ready...if I ever do fall in love with someone that much. Until then I am focusing on what is important to me and not you.", I said sternly, though not yelling.

"Let's go. I need to return to Manhattan. I feel like I lose braincells, the longer I stay on this island with you.", I said.

She did not have anything to say. She drove me to the X1 bus stop in silence.

When we reached the bus stop Frannie said to me, "Thank you for dinner. I hope you see my point. I do worry about you even if I don't show it."

"Actions speak louder than words", I replied, "I will be fine. I made it this far and will go much further. Thanks for the ride". I boarded the bus to return to my not so ordinary, chaotic life in Manhattan...that's right, it's mine. --Frankie