We Really Do Want Nice Guys!

According to Dr Tim Phillips of the University of Nottingham and Institute of Psychiatry, King’s College, London, females have evolved from desiring mates who embody overwhelming brute strength, to those who would serve as better, more nurturing lovers.

As ladies do often claim, nice guys are more desirable! Keep your heads up sweethearts, we'll come around soon!

--Frankie

Love and Learn

These have been a busy, chaotic, though progressive few months.

Phil did not work out. I figured that was my door which closed, as soon thereafter, I landed a position at a fresh, new travel publication as the Assistant to the Publisher.

Because I had a great deal of free time on my hands and can never sit still for more than five minutes, I had also applied to a master's in publishing program to further my education. Ruby knew that I had been awaiting a large, thick envelope and she awaited the opening of a choice bottle of red that was to be used to celebrate my victory.

As we had both been occupied with our careers and, I now with schoolwork; the festivities had to wait. We finally vowed to order takeaway from Manganaro's and don our best PJs while posting up on the sofa to watch the latest installment of the ALCS, as we were waiting to see which team would face my beloved Yankees.

Following the game, we sat on our sofa, savoring the fruity nose of our 2007 Casa Lapostolle Cabernet Sauvignon Cuvee Alexander, celebrating our personal victories and watching coverage of the rescue of the trapped miners in Chile.

"It is unbelievable when considering the strong power of the human spirit", commented Ruby.

"Yes. Listen to the chants; the love of this community and the care they share for these men", I said, "Love is an incredible, indestructible force. Their spouses, children, friends; so moving to witness their hope and happiness".

"Do you think we will ever find love like this, Frankie?" asked my dear friend, "Love has been so difficult for me lately. I have been questioning who and how I love. The questions come to me in dreams and I don't know what to tell myself at times."

"Ruby; we have this love around us now", I said, "We have the most caring, loving friends, and when the time is right the romantic love will arrive as well. No one knows what trials these men faced before being trapped in the mine; though this is certain, whatever they were worried about before these last few months, is probably an insignificant or forgotten issue now."

"I know, though one thing that is truly bothering me lately is the lack of support for my lifestyle from my mother. Why can't our parents see that they are lucky to have us in their lives regardless of how we live our lives?", asked Ruby.

"That I can't answer Chiquita. Our parents are only human and subject to err; though being human, they are also able to recognize they are wrong, feel compassion, and love...we simply hope they don't lose too much time holding a grudge against us for not allowing them to live vicariously through our lives."

"I guess you're right, Frankie. Simply hope she recognizes this sooner rather than later."

I hugged my friend, grabbed the bottle, and refilled her glass. "I would like to toast; to a love like this", as I gestured toward the television, "a love like ours, a love we have not yet found, and a love for those who have not yet recognized the joy of returning our innate, undying love."

--Frankie

Flashbacks

Even when I'm sleeping, I know it's a memory.

I walk into my high school Spanish class and she runs up to me and throws her arms around me. She kisses my lips. I'm astonished and look Cindy in the eyes. I've spent many evenings looking into those deep amber pools, but now I can't. I turn away and walk to my seat, which is at the back of the class. I sit down immediately and wonder if anyone in the class saw that. No one looks over.

Cindy sits almost across from me and gets up again. She walks over to me. I'm in the next aisle. I'm frightened and nervous, but most of all I'm turned on. This doesn't surprise me though. I've had a crush on Cindy for years. We were best friends in middle school, and that friendship just molded into something else over time. But I don't know what it is. What is it when you wind up stroking your best friends' hair and talking for hours? What is it when you snuggle in bed with your best friend for hours? What is it when you cuddle and hold each other? Hold hands? Spend hours on the phone together? Even  discuss the possibility that you should both be in a relationship together?

Cindy's got her hands on my knees and she is kneeling in front of me. Her fingers are lightly circling my knees.

 "Ruby, please. I saw the note. I know how you feel," Cindy says softly, smiling. "I feel the same way. I think we should try. Trust me."

She pries my knees apart gently with her hands and runs one hand under my knee. The other hand travels up my thigh and under my skirt.

"Cindy, I just don't know," I whisper, feeling my face turn redder by the second. "I don't think I can. I have a boyfriend and..."

"I have a boyfriend too. Well, I did. Now I don't, but that isn't important. What do you want? I want to be with you," she says completely confidently. Her fingers likely stroking my inner thigh. "No one has to know."

"I just don't know," I say leaning over toward her. I'm aware Cindy, who is kneeling in front of me, can see up my skirt and her fingers are fluttering over my panties. I try to remember which ones they are, but all I can think is that I want them off.

"After school..." Cindy starts saying.

"Cynthia Jones, get back into your seat!" screams our Spanish teacher, flamboyantly raising his arms. He looks shocked, but then smiles knowingly. "Save the gossip for after class ladies."

"Meet me at my locker after class," Cindy whispers as she takes her seat.

The class starts. I cross my legs and try not to look at Cindy.

I want to meet her at her locker, but I don't. I don't trust myself enough. I don't know what I'm feeling. Last week my Mom pulled me aside and told me that it would be hard if I were a lesbian,  so I shouldn't be one. Since then, I've felt like I've stepped in quicksand and I can't pull myself out. What if everyone knew? Mom must know. Cindy knows I love her. I wrote her a love note. She does know, but I can't be with her. I just can't be that way. And what if she is fooling me? What if she doesn't really feel the same?

Cindy does feel the same. She shows up at my front door after school and we go to the playground and crawl into one of the cement tunnels. Although I don't trust myself, Cindy doesn't care. She takes my hand palm-to-palm and puts her arm around me. It's a bit awkward at first and we laugh, but then she kisses me. The kisses are soft and moist. Her chest is against mine. My legs are wrapped around her torso.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

I wake up alone in bed, sweating. - Ruby

For Shore

Ah my summer of 30; it started back in June. Phil wanted to celebrate my 30th birthday with me, though instead I took off to Miami with Pamela and Alexis. It was all fun and games baking on South Beach, stuffing our faces at Raffi's, and trying to avoid every nightclub that has been featured on Jersey Shore. And yes, I still love my favorite gelato shop, despite it's recent takeover by MVP + IFF .

The Fourth of July holiday had been one of the only large blocks of time I was able to dedicate to Phil and apparently he was feeling a bit more independent as the amount of time I was able to dedicate to him dwindled.

As the summer progressed, I spent more time at Pamela's house. We have been relaxing more than partying, as it seemed these Jersey Shore kids like to hang in my out of town spots and I did not want to venture out to Seaside during their filming of the third season.

We had a low-key, good old fashioned, backwoods weekend. It started with the Elks club on Friday and barbecue on Saturday. Beer pong balls flew through the air and I listened intently to the older dudes as they told their stories and repeatedly complemented Pamela and me on our sassy personalities.

Returning to Manhattan via NJ Transit on Sunday I called Phil, who did not answer. Somewhere between Elizabeth and Newark my telephone rang and Phil's name illuminated my screen.

"Hey Baby, how are you?", I asked, as I thought perhaps we would hang out later.

"I'm good, I'm good, Frankie", he replied sounding strange, "drivin' back to tha Island from Seaside".

"I am on the bus returning from Jackson; We could have hung out if I knew you would be down on the Shore", I mentioned.

"Oh well, I went down with a few people. Ya know", he was trying to say it, though could not.

"Oh. I see.", was all I could think to say, though I needed to get the words out of Phil, as I knew they would not lead to progress between us. I continued,"Why don't you come up and meet me at the apartment in one hour? I have not seen you for quite some time".

"Frankie...", it was all he could say. All he could say until it all came out. "Frankie, you have not been around and you live so far away...and..."

I continued for him,"You've been seeing another girl."

"Well, yes, though not before you told me how you did not want to live in New York or Staten Island. You're too spontaneous for me. There is no room in your life for me. It's clear. I want something...more...now.", was Phil's impassioned explanation.

"I can't believe this. You introduced me to your family...is that what you do with every girl?", I asked astonished.

"No, Frankie. I was falling for you. Really. Deeply. Though you make me feel like you don't care. It's like I don't fit into your life. You have this life plan and I can't compete."

"I don't know what to say", was all I could say.

"I'm sorry Frankie", he was kind though stern.

"Yea. Me too Phil", I said,"though don't sweat it too much. You're right, you don't fit into the plan and I don't need you...considering I have a brand new pack of batteries in my bag". It was after this final comment when I hung up on Phil and resolved to vote myself off Staten Island.

--Frankie

Of Friends and Lovers

Obviously things with Chloe didn't work out as I had hoped.  I was feeling pretty shitty about it too. I had eaten a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's and didn't feel any happier. (Of course, I would run about five miles tomorrow to make up for it.) On top of the heartache from my cheating ex-girlfriend, I had received an invitation for Kerry's wedding.

While Kerry hadn't exactly been a girlfriend, she had been something and I apparently still had feelings for her.  I contemplated ripping the green and white ivy invitation into little, itty, bitty pieces, but I knew that wouldn't make me feel any better. The candle across the room seemed like a better idea...or maybe the subway tracks.

The phone rang. It was Kerry. "Hey Ruby, I just wanted to make sure you got the invitation to our wedding," she said cheerfully.

"Uh, yeah. Congrats!" I said as cheerfully as I could. "I like the...er...Ivy."

"Hey, Rubes. I really need you there," Kerry said. "I know we haven't been close these past few months, but I really miss you and you are like my best girlfriend. Please come."

"Of course I'll be there for you," I said and regretted it instantly. It was like Kerry plunged an imaginary knife right through the phone and into my heart.

"You know, it wouldn't have worked out for us, if we had tried," Kerry said softly. "I'm sorry about, you know, what happened. I'm not a lesbian, but you know I did have feeling for you."

"Kerry, let's put that behind us," I said. "You are getting married and ...my other line is ringing. I'll call you back later, OK?"

"OK. Bye babe," she said.

Then I picked up the other line without checking. BIG MISTAKE. I instantly wished I had an emergency chute like that Jet Blue steward. "Hello?"

"Ruby, hey," said Chloe. "I'm sorry. I want to be friendssss...."

I hung up the phone, put away the ice cream and went to the gym. -Ruby

Flip Me Baby!

In the latest TONY, I discovered a fun new way to meet someone. This should make subway rides much more bearable...and what a fun way to begin... http://flipmedating.com/

And the Rockets Red Glare

Phil and I decided to stay in NYC over the July 4th holiday. Ruby was off to Fire Island sans Chloe, as she insisted that she HAD to work citing the overwhelming tips that she would receive, despite my thoughts that Manhattan empties out over the holiday. I had not trusted Chloe for quite some time and the entire Pride debacle, sealed my low opinion of her. Though this is Ruby's romance and all I am able to do is give her some advice if asked.

I met Phil on Staten Island on Sunday. We were heading to his grandmother's house for a barbecue. A lovely, old colonial on the waterfront was just the respite I needed from the busy city, as I had been trying for the past few weeks to move on and find another gig in publishing as this road to being a career administrative assistant was not one on which I wanted to continue. This was the day on which I was meeting the entire family...all of 'em. They were all welcoming and we had a great time. Phil simply seemed extremely attached to his family and their legacy.

While enjoying a Heineken Light and watching the fireworks burst in the dark night sky, Phil mentioned his dream for the future, "I would love to live here in this house one day."

"Oh, so you intend on living in Staten Island for your entire life or would you ever move away and then move back?", I asked.

"Well, staying here would probably be easiest if I want to live in this house. If that is my goal it would probably be best to keep my eye on the prize while staying close.", he answered.

"That is a wonderful goal, to continue your family's legacy by owning such a beautiful house and building your own home from within." I said, wanting to be supportive.

"Well, what do you think about that? I mean you said it's a great idea, though how do you feel about it? Like, I guess...hypothetically if we...I don't know...had a future together?", asked Phil.

OK, so I have an honesty problem, meaning I am completely unable to lie...or sugarcoat...I try for tact, though it does not always happen that way. I wanted to tell him, "EWWWW, Staten Italy? Forever? YIKES! NO WAY, NO HOW! I am leaving as soon as possible." Though refrained and went for a more objective, "Like I said, it's great that you want to support a family legacy and this is a beautiful home. There are not many places on the Island like this; in the middle of what forest is remaining, on the beach. This is a beautiful location, though the rest of this Island is shot. We both complain to each other about the low caliber of the residents who now inhabit this place. I mean, personally, I am not looking to return to this place in the future, in fact, I feel like I want out of New York City. Perhaps move closer to my dad in Florida or out West. This simply is not the place for me any longer."

He looked like someone burst his big, happy bubble which contained his future. I really did not want to be an asshole and thought that this was a fair way of telling him that his plans were great, though I was not down for a long haul back to Staten Island.

"Oh, well...", he began though could not find the words to finish.

I tried to undo a bit of the damage that I obviously caused, "Come on don't look so glum Phil. I like you, you like me. This is not a big deal. Life changes every day, take it as it comes. We can share our dreams with each other. It is not like everything that we plan will happen tomorrow."

"Yea, you're right. Want another beer?", he asked.

"Sure", I replied, hoping the rest of the evening would not be painful. Jeez, I had such a big mouth. Though why would I hold back; is that not what dating is about? Getting to know the person who you date, not planning your entire life together.

Phil and I did enjoy the remainder of the evening and he returned to Manhattan with me to spend the night.

After picking up a six pack and some chips at the local deli, we were walking along 23rd Street and bumped into Chloe...who was holding hands...with a woman who was not my dear friend.

We exchanged strong stares, both unable to speak until I felt the corner of my mouth curl into a satisfaction filled, you're caught smile and managed to say with a tilt of my head, "You ladies have a good night." As Phil and I made our way around the couple and down the street at a fast pace, Chloe caught up, and breathlessly pleaded with me not to tell Ruby.

"Chloe", I said, "I could kick your ass right now, though am certain that Ruby will find greater pleasure in kicking you to the curb. I am not yet too sure how I will break this to her and burst her bubble, though you can bet your ass that she will know upon her return home."

Phil and I left a teary eyed Chloe in the middle of the sidewalk.

As we walked, I said to Phil, "I apologize."

We both knew that it was an apology beyond what had just transpired and there was no need to explain and he replied with "It's ok. I understand."

After heading into the apartment we began kissing, fooling around, and like bursting fireworks, we had sex for the first time that evening...with no apologies. --Frankie

P-R-I-D-E

Gay Pride is here. There is nothing quite like walking the New York City streets on this weekend. Chloe had to work so I went out with Cindy and Jane to volunteer and march in the parade for the Gay Center.  The three of us chose to walk in front of the drag queens so we could dance with them and we could give out the maximum number of stickers, flyers and Mardi Gras beaded necklaces.

"Does it worry you that you won't be seeing Chloe at all this weekend?" Cindy asked while sticking a sticker on a little boys t-shirt.

"Not really. She has to work," I replied dancing toward a group of girls screaming for Mardi Gras beads. One lifted her shirt up.

"Oh she gets one," Cindy said grabbing a beaded necklace and flinging it in her direction.

"When was the last time you guys spent time out? Not in bed?" Cindy asked.

I thought about it. "Probably a couple of months ago," I replied.

"So pretty much you only see her and have sex?" Cindy asked. "That's deep."

"Well, no," I said considering it and flinging more beads at half naked girls. "Yes, I guess. We both have are things going on. It isn't intentional."

"Is she cheating on you?" Cindy asked.

"No," I replied. "Why would you ask that?"

"I don't know. I just get a weird feeling that she is creeping around," Cindy and grabbed my hand to dance." I don't trust her. If I find out she is I'm going to kick her ass."

"Cin--. I don't trust your girlfriend either," I replied, laughing. Cindy's new flavor of the month was about 21. She was wearing pigtails, daisy duke short and a tiny tee. She actually could pull it off.  But she would not leave the side of her best friend who happened to be one of the drag queens in the parade. Currently, she was playing with the hair of another girl, a"friend" who was walking next to her.

"Yeah, neither do I," Cindy replied and rolled her eyes.

Jane ran up to us. "Here are more stickers and beads guys," she said and winked. "Let's go get 'em. Oh, that girl is hot over there," she said in a high pitched dreamy voice and ran over toward the crowd. Cindy and I followed laughing.

The girl Jane was fawning over was really hot indeed. It was Diane who volunteered with Jane on a regular basis. "Oh, so you are Diane," I said looking back and forth from Jane to Diane. "I've heard a lot about you. She was right. You are a knockout."

Diane smiled sweetly. "Thanks."

Really, I had just heard a lot about how much Jane adored Diane. Unfortunately for Jane, Diane had a girlfriend.

My phone rang. It was my good friend Stacey. "Um, Rubes I just saw Chloe. This is going to sound weird, but there is this girl at the bar ...and Chloe is definitely flirting with her."

"Oh, I see," I said mad and disappointed at the same time.

"What do you want me to do?" Stacy asked.

"Send me a picture," I told Stacy.

In a minute I had the pic of Chloe on my phone leaning over the bar and talking to a blonde girl.

I sent Chloe a text.  When she hadn't replied after a half an hour, I knew I needed to have  one of those conversations with her. She was supposed to meet me and the gang at the Pier Dance so I would have my opportunity then. - Ruby

With Marital Liberty and the Just Us For All

Why is the issue of gay marriage an issue? Shouldn't loving couples simply be able to celebrate their love by marriage and need not distinguish between gay and "opposite" marriage (I couldn't resist).

On Sunday, June 6, the Illegal Wedding Fair will be held in support of marriage equality for all. Vendors will be present to fulfill all wedding planning needs and speakers, David Toussaint, Annie Lee, Anne Klaeysen & Law'nence Miller will attend as guest speakers. This is going to be an awesome event to help celebrate love!

http://www.illegalweddingfair.com/IWF/IWF___home.html

Congratulations and best wishes for a happy and healthy future to all loving couples out there!

--Frankie

Yes, We Girlfriends Share This Concern As Well...

Dear Men,

After reading a concern from one one young man on Esquire's website, I was moved to address what I understand to be a common gripe among men and a fear of women. His concern is that he will not exceed the capabilities of his girlfriend's vibrator in the bedroom.

I have also met women who are scared to purchase that supposedly amazing new toy, as they are afraid that they will no longer enjoy sex with their boyfriends.

I say to you, Dear Men, embrace the vibrator, use it with your girlfriend, and replenish her supply of C-batteries when necessary.

By joining forces with the inanimate phallic object, you will be the best she's ever had, as she will not remember using her toy...she will remember you using the toy on her, and just how talented you were while doing so. Which will lead her to return the pleasure. ;-)

Happy Love Making,
Frankie

If At First You Don't Succeed...

While I loved the girl time with my friends and truly wanted to help Ruby recognize that she was nothing more than human, I was looking forward to some time with my...er, man. I don't know if he is my man. Call me crazy though I like to have The Talk. You know The Talk. The one where you decide if you're exclusive, not seeing anyone else, want to get to know each better, and was to be certain that each person feels the same. I knew that Phil liked me, though...

I still was not ready for such a serious conversation, though invited Phil over for dinner and a movie at my place. Ruby was at Chloe's trying to convince her of their mutual love and attraction...all weekend long.

Phil's parents had met in culinary school and cooking was still a large influence in his life. This made me a bit nervous. Sure I am able to hold my own in the kitchen, though this guy knew how to cook and oh boy, he brought the heat.

He came up behind me as I sprinkled paprika onto my penne drenched in broccoli cream sauce. "MMMM, you smell amazing Frankie", remarked Phil as he kissed my neck softly.

"I know you want to taste my cream sauce, Baby", I joked, spooning a tiny bit of sauce through his lips.

"Frankie, that is delicious.", he said sounding absolutely sincere.

"Oh Sweetie, you're saying that only because you want my really tasty goods.", I answered.

"OK, yes, you're right. And here I come...grrrrrr...", said Phil, kissing me with creamy lips.

"MMMM...", I replied,"I do taste good. Uh, my sauce that is".

After a successful, romantic dinner with My...well...the handsome man who I am seeing, we watched The Wedding Date...again. What can I say? Dermot Mulroney becomes more handsome each time I watch that movie...and completely gets me in the mood.

As I took my final glance at Mr. Mulroney, my shirt was already on the floor keeping my pants company. Oh, right the sofa was supposed to be a no fly zone. Well, Ruby was out for the evening.

Phil was kissing my belly, down, down toward, and oh yes, there. "Wait, what are you...", I began to ask.

"You cooked dinner. Now I serve dessert", said Phil. Through our many conversations of just about everything and anything Phil came to discover a little secret of mine. I only climax when having good, old fashion, vag sex, not oral, not petting; only penetrative sex. Yes, this has become my curse, though not so bad, as it's not like I can't please myself either and I do enjoy oral sex, though not as much as I enjoy other activities .

I have since discovered a little secret as well. Challenges are a wonderful aphrodisiac. Phil was determined. And I was a skeptic. Was.

He felt great, though nothing extraordinary for my world. Though then it happened. I felt it. As I ran my fingers down over his shaved head onto his neck. Oh the sensation out from where I felt his mouth and fingers, through my thighs, up through my stomach, and I moaned, "Ph-PH-PHIL...UH, MMM...I, I, PHIIIIIIIIL!"

That was it. He succeeded. So intense, amazing, I could not believe that the curse had been broken. Phil smiled, climbed up on top of me, kissing my skin as he came to my eye level. "I did it!", he said excitedly and cute, not corny.

"You're the champ Baby!", I agreed, while still trying to catch my breath.

"Are you tired?", he asked, "'Cause I am ready to fall asleep".

He really wanted to sleep? "Wait, now it's your turn", I suggested, "And of course you should stay over, driving to the Island this late is not the brightest idea."

"Frankie, I am satisfied knowing that I am able to do that to you", explained Phil, "I feel like a million bucks right now. And honestly I only want to hold you and fall asleep".

I was shocked, though pleased. A selfless guy who has the ability to be generous with the lovin'? I felt fortunate to have even encountered such a specimen. We abandoned what was now the high flying zone for me and settled into bed, spooned into each other.

I may have been a bit confused regarding whether Phil was My Man, though one thing is certain, after this extraordinary evening, he is THE MAN.

--Frankie

Sexual Tendencies

"Would you eventually leave me for a man?" Chloe asked after an amazing romp in bed. 

"Um, no," I said, trying to go in for another kiss.

"But you like both men and women. Don't you?" she asked and pinned my arms down gently behind my head.

"I've dated both," I answered. "That doesn't mean I want to be with both."

"So you don't want to be with a guy?" Chloe asked and drew her lips closer to my mouth

"No, I want to be with you," I pushed myself free of her grasp and kissed her.

"I dunno," she said and grabbed a pink dildo off of the dresser. "I think you like men."

One of the things that bothered Chloe was that I didn't really feel comfortable defining my sexuality. I had, I guess-- up until more recently been dating both men and women-- defined myself as bisexual. This bothered her as it had also bothered Elizabeth.  The main difference was that, at least now, I wasn't so sure I would ever really want to be with a guy again. But there is still some judgement from the lesbian community when it comes to bisexual women. This is based upon the fear of getting your heart broken, stomped on and being humiliated for dating a straight girl, which we all know leads down the road of heartbreak. But at this point I really have no desire to or see myself switching teams later down the road. So does that make me a lesbian then? I felt like someone had just thrown my deck of cards in the air.

So I turned to the people who knew me inside / out. I asked Frankie and Cindy. "What the hell, am I? Bisexual, lesbian, and does it matter?

"Only to you," Frankie said.

"And your mother and girlfriend," Cindy said. "Cause your mom is gonna freak when she finds out and you will have to eventually tell her.  And your girlfriend is going to freak if you leave her for a guy."

"Thanks, Cin. You're always a big heap of bluntness," I replied. "And yes...I do have to tell my mom."

"I'm surprised this is what you wanted to talk about," Cindy said.

"I thought you would want to talk about how hot Jenny Owen Youngs was at the Rockwood the other night," Frankie replied.

"Frankie, you're straight. She was looking hot though, and she sounded awesome" I said laughing.

"Oh, shit. I am straight. Oh, does it matter?" Frankie asked sarcastically.

"Naaaahhhh," Cindy and I said in unison. - Ruby.

A Man's Dog is His Best...Girl?

I missed spending time with Ruby, though was hoping that the more time I spent away from the apartment, perhaps she could draw Chloe out of the Dbag world of the NYC bar scene. Whether gay or straight I could not understand why someone would want to spend every single hour of every single day in those places. And this sentiment is coming from a single woman.

Phil invited me out to Staten Island and I decided that I did owe him a trip to that isolated world, as he did drive around almost every borough when we last spent time together. This would also be a great opportunity to allow Ruby to show Chloe the satisfaction of spending an evening at home with the person who you love, a few DVDs (that are not porn), Wii, and dirty, yummy Chinese food.

Phil met me at the first X1 bus stop after the Verrazano Bridge. We drove to Talay Thai on Hylan Boulevard and had a tasty dinner and great conversation.

After tea and Banana Ma Ma, Phil asked, "Hey, want to come back to my place to watch Last of the Mohicans?"

It seemed that my plans for Ruby were actually playing out on my date, which suited me just fine.

"Yes, sure. I have never seen the film, though it has been on my must see list, for ages", I admitted.

Phil's mother's house was a beautiful, old, side hall colonial. It needed a great deal of work, though it was they type of older home that I loved.

His apartment was located in the back and protected by a huge rottweiler named Kat...the lady of the house. It was not really an apartment, though a few rooms with a bedroom, bathroom, refrigerator, and separate entrance from the main house.

I greeted Kat and love dogs, though this puppy was beyond hyper.

"This", began Phil, "is the woman in my life...well aside from my mom, of course".

Oh no, that was strange. I told myself that I should not be too quick to judge and focused on the enormous bear/beast/dog who was trying to love me a little too much. "She is beautiful", I said. I was not lying, the dog was beautiful, though it seemed that Phil and Kat's relationship was one that was extremely close...and perhaps strange as well. He did treat her like the woman of the house or rather the woman of the extra room behind his mother's house.

Phil, Kat, and I watched the movie from the bed. I don't know if it was nerves, immaturity, or what the deal was, though Phil, the 31 year old, covered my eyes with his hands during the love scenes (which made me wonder what he would do if we watched porn), rather than showing me how talented he could be if he put them to good use.

It was late by the time the movie finished and I wanted to go home as this evening was strange and I needed some time to digest not only the Thai food, though also what exactly was going on in Phil's world. He offered to drive me home to Manhattan, though I declined.

We kissed goodnight and I hopped on the 78 bus to the R train in Bay Ridge. I didn't know what his deal was. I think he liked me and he felt a good deal of responsibility toward his mother, though was obviously immature when it comes to the opposite sex. Were these Mommy issues or was I overreacting?

I walked in the door to Ruby's and my apartment at around 2 am and was met by a flashing television, empty Chinese food containers, and Wii games scattered everywhere. I thought that this could be a very good or bad sign. After rinsing off the rottweiler slobber from my body, I went to bed hoping that my plan to allow the happy couple to create their own world was successful...and that I would not feel so awkward in Phil's world again. --Frankie

A Gay Lifestyle

While Frankie was bathing in the sugary sweet happiness of going on a good date. I was dealing with the bitter sweet reality that Chloe and I were almost exact opposites. But they say opposites attract. Right?

"Why can't you just dress more girly sometimes," Chloe stated as she entered my front door to take me out for drinks.

I was wearing blue jeans and a button down shirt with a tank top under it. "Well, why can't you?"

"Baby, I'm the butch and you are the femme," Chloe started and laughed. She took off her Yankee hat and ran her fingers through her short hair.

"I could be butch," I said.

"No, no. That would be virtually impossible. You're toooooo, you. Besides, you paint your nails," Chloe said.

Now, there are some people who believe that homosexual people live a certain type of "lifestyle." Um, not really in my opinion. How is a  "lifestyle" defined? I've heard about living a wealthy "lifestyle" or a humble "lifestyle", but can you really live a gay one?

Like many other gay writers, I believe the gay lifestyle is a myth that justifies bias and there's not much difference between dating a man or a woman rather than sexual preference, dealing with discrimination and, of course, basic human rights.  In my world, I am just like everyone else. I get up, I take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work and the gym and then later I meet my girlfriend who I am trying to have a relationship with.

On a daily basis there aren't rainbow flags waving, thump-a-thumpa club dancing, drug use, excessive vegetarianism, unshaved legs and armpits, sleeping around, or sexually transmitted diseases. Still, there are some people who think being gay is being those things or at least some. Some times it is about dancing and the thump-a-thump, the temptation and sex, but these desires are the same desires every heterosexual person faces on a daily basis with sexual preference excluded.  Some see "a gay lifestyle" as being different and sinful.  Granted, I listened to plenty of Tegan and Sara and suffered from the remorse of disappointment in myself and others disappointment in me after they found out or I told them I was into women. But I don't celebrate, "being gay every day" or live some lifestyle other than the one I've always had.

Still, there are those homosexuals that still want to live the dream (or horror) of the gay lifestyle, and one of those people, I think, would be Chloe. Chloe took me to Monster for drinks. It's really a guys bar, but she really liked being there for the atmosphere. And to tell you the truth, she got scoped out by the men just as much as she did the women in Henrietta Hudsons. She was often mistaken there for a boy even with her feminine looks. She had kind of a Justin Bieber-type look going on. She loved it because she wasn't in a,"straight bar," like the kind she worked in.

"You should have seen this creep last night," Chloe said to me as she sipped her Corona. "This dude was such a  dick. He spent a good half-an-hour trying to buy this girl a drink, who was with her boyfriend at the time. That is soooo sketchy. The worst part though," she continued. "This girl was actually checking him out and going for the whole act. She was pretty and all, but come on! He's a dog and a skeeve!"

"Kind of like that action that is happening over there?" I asked pointing to the bar where one guy who was holding hands with another was most obviously checking out another guy who was also with what appeared to be his own boyfriend.

"Nah. This wasn't friendly scooping. This was raunchy," Chloe explained. "Anyway, it's just kind of expected that you will be checked out in a gay bar."

"Is it?" I asked. "So you want to be checked out tonight by a bunch of gay boys?"

Chloe laughed. "Oh yes, nothing more gives me pleasure. So which bar do you want to hit tomorrow?"

"It's always bars with you. Isn't it? Can't we see a movie or stay home and play Wii?" I asked.

"But what's the fun there? I have two nights off and I want to be out? Getting my groove on? I'm always on the other side of the bar during the week, so it's nice to finally be able to enjoy myself," Chloe said.

"I hear you, but its expensive going out all the time. Plus, I would rather spend quality time with you than be out in gay bars all the time. It's kind of dull."

"Whatever, Ms. I bumped into Regina Spektor last night at the Bowery Electric. You get to go out and listen to your music. Nah, this is the life. This is what living and being gay is all about. Being here makes me happy. This is our world," Chloe said.

"Chloe, this isn't the world. It's a bar," I said.

"But in this bar," she explained. "We are normal and we don't have to watch every move we make. We can just be ourselves," she said as she put her arm around me and kissed me. - Ruby

How Sweet It Is.

Ruby needed some space to evaluate her relationship with Chloe, therefore I decided to keep out of their way for a bit. We poor girls can't seem catch a romantic break. Phil called me later during the week after Jay's birthday. He came by the apartment to take me out on the following Saturday. We walked one block over to where his classic Mercedes was parked.

Now, I am a huge Yankee fan and wear my pinstripes proudly, though his expression of loyalty seemed a tacky gesture when showcased via a Yankees logo decal...and a Giants logo decal displayed on the rear window his car (welcome back to Staten Island, Frankie!).

"Thanks for coming into Manhattan", I said to him.

"Oh no prob; I don't mind coming into the city. My union hall is downtown", he replied. Driving over to Brooklyn for some pizza from L&B's, Phil and I discussed our careers (he a union dock builder and I a publishing professional working as an assistant in finance to make ends meet), family, and of course life on the island.

"Well I live at home, though in an apartment in the back of my mom's house", Phil informed me.

"Oh well, that is cool, as long as it's your own space", I said, trying to not focus on the fact that he still lived at home at the age of 31.

"Uh, yea, well it works", he explained, "I am trying to save up money during these tough times. Plus I help my ma out with the house. My father isn't around, which is for the best, so ya know, I'm the man of the house and I make sure she is ok."

"That is sweet of you. To take the time and ensure her comfort and security", I said.

I couldn't yet decide if his was endearing or creepy.

"Hey do you like roller coasters?", I asked.

"Yea! I know what you are gonna say! Coney Island?!", asked Phil.

"TOTALLY! I am so happy that they kept it open. Cyclone here we come!", I cheered.

We were having a great time. Our shared love of adrenaline forced us to ride the Cyclone three times...yes, three times.

It was becoming chilly and Phil offered his jacket to me. Multiple sports team decals on luxury autos and Staten Island residency aside, he was extremely sweet. He was like a big teddy bear and we talked for ages after grabbing some ice cream at Williams (yes, it was chilly though how could I pass up this sweet treat?).

As we walked along the boardwalk and returned to the car, his quirky way of expressing his love for the Yankees and his Staten Island accent were not exactly attractive, though they were no longer turn-offs and I started to feel...what is this? I started to like Phil. He was sweet, fun, and seemingly harmless.

He opened my door and wiped away a bit of my soft serve treat from my chin and then kissed me sweetly.

He double parked in front of the apartment building and walked me to the door. We shared another sweet kiss before I headed upstairs.

I walked through the door into a quiet, dark apartment. I did not know if Ruby and Cloe were here. I tried to be quiet as I turned on the late showing of The Soup. It was at this point that I realized that I forgot to return Phil's jacket to him. I instinctively reached in the pocket for my cell phone to call Phil and pulled out our Cyclone tickets. The call could wait. I wanted to savor this sugary feeling of a having a great first date. Romance Brooklyn style...how sweet it is! --Frankie

Apologies, Sex and Chicken Breasts

Chloe turned up at my apartment the evening after she appeared in my bedroom with a black eye . She had grocery bag in hand.

"I'm so sorry. You are the only one I want to be with. I've been acting very stupid. I just don't know if I'm girlfriend material," she said.

"You mean you don't know if you want a girlfriend," I replied. I considered slamming the door in her face.

"Well,  I do want you as a girlfriend, but I'm a mess. I need to explain. Can I cook you dinner?" she asked and pushed the door back open.

"OK, but no funny business," I said, rolling my eyes. I was hungry and tired. I didn't have time for bullshit, but I wanted to hear her explanation.

Chloe walked into my kitchen and pulled some chicken breast, bacon, cheese, green beans and a bottle of wine out of her big brown bag. "I'm going to try very hard to be girlfriend material, but in the past I haven't been good at it. I feel like I always get the short end of the stick," she said. "Things got really intense and serious with you really fast, which is good, but it scares me," she continued. "Usually girls just want a fling and nothing more, ya' know? But I am really drawn to you and I'm not sure where that's headed and I just am trying to take it slow, but be as intense as we have been and, well, I'm falling in love with you... "

Listening to Chloe, I felt like I was some lesbian vampire sucking the life out of her mojo or something. I made her fall in love and that was bad? I was like a warped lipstick lesbian version of Edward from Twilight.

...Is This Awesome?! Episode 4 "TWILIGHT" - watch more funny videos

"Well, I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do," I replied.

"No I want to be with you! That's what I'm saying and that's why I am here cooking dinner. I'm just not good at it," she said dropping washed green beans into a pot. She threw one in my direction. "This is NOT what I want," she said pointing toward her black eye. "I'm tired of this!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, you mean, you want to be with me now?" I was having a hard time following her thought process.

I got another uncooked green bean in the face. "Duh." Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me close and kissed me. It was one of those Wow kisses. Really. Wow. Needless to say, I didn't really understand what was going on in Chloe's head. To me her thought process was as cryptic as the lyrics to a Regina Spektor song, but I did know I was falling in love with her.





I decided to go with the flow and forgive her wandering eye this time. I figured time would tell if this romance with Chloe would work out. In the meantime I would enjoy having my arms wrapped around Chloe's torso, enjoy the kissing, and the laughter as we made love on the tiled kitchen floor; eventually forgetting the uncooked chicken breasts sitting alone on the kitchen counter. - Ruby

Home is Where the Heart Is

The eve of my 30th birthday is approaching, though I am not the first of my friends to reach this milestone. This weekend Nigella and I hit the town to celebrate my friend Jay's big three-zero. He decided that 310 Lounge on Bowery would be the place to kick off this next chapter of our lives.

Nigella and I drank, danced, and were very merry. As we performed our best choreography to my new favorite party song, Timbaland's Carry Out, another party goer made his way up to us.

"Hey, how are ya, I'm Phil", Jay's friend introduced himself.

"Hello. Nice to meet you, my name is Frankie", I replied. He was about my height, shaved head, large, though construction worker solid, and very attractive hazel green eyes, which I noticed when a light hit his face.

"How do ya know Jay?", he asked.

"Oh we have been friends since junior high", I informed him.

"You went to I.S.34 too? You probably know my younger brother Carlos. Carlos Figueroa. If you're Jay's age then you were all in the same class", said Phil.

Oh no, a Staten Island guy, I thought and yes, of course I went to school with his brother. Everyone on Staten Island is separated by perhaps 1/2 a degree.

"Oh you're from Staten Island. Yes, I know Carlos. He used to torment me in band class," I said, laughing, "That's funny. How is he? Please tell him that I said hello". I was not very impressed now that I knew that Phil was a Staten Island guy.

"Eh, ya know. He is ok. So who are you here with?", asked Phil.

I introduced him to Nigella who was now chatting up a Dwayne Johnson look a like.

The clock continued ticking away, closer to my thirtieth year and I discovered that Phil was actually quite nice, seemed to have some values, and not a douchey Staten Island punk.

It was getting late and Nigella wanted to stop for pizza on the way home so I said goodnight to Phil. I gave my number to him when he asked; Jay could give all the details and a character reference to me tomorrow. That was the great thing about meeting a guy in this type of environment. I knew Jay's opinion would matter most as he is one of my oldest friends; he would not steer me wrong.

While enjoying a goat cheese pie at Lil' Frankie's, Nigella commented, "So, you and Phil seemed to hit it off."

"He is nice, though...he is from Staten Italy", I informed her.

"Oh no. Run now. Don't do it! Once you escape the bubble, you don't begin dating people who live inside the bubble. You don't see me hooking up with guys from Rockland county", advised Nigella.

"I gave him my number, we are not buying real estate together. We'll see what happens. If Jay is able to vouch for him then he could be fine", I reasoned.

As the sun was rising on the day after Jay's 30th birthday and crept closer to rising on mine, I began to gain more clarity...and control.

--Frankie

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater?

I heard my bedroom door open and almost jumped out of bed.

"Who's there!" I exclaimed, trying to shake off my sleep.

"Babe, babe, it's OK. Just me," whispered Chloe. "Frankie let me in."

"What time is it?" I asked and yawned.

"Two. Sorry I woke you," Chloe said as she crawled into bed behind me and wrapped her arms around my body. "I missed you."

Chloe smelled of beer from the bar and blood? I turned around to get a close look at my girlfriend who was now sporting a black eye and a bloody lip. "What the hell?" Well so much for sleeping. "What happened to you?"

Chloe giggled nervously. "It's a long story, I'll tell you in the morning," she said.

"No you'll tell me now," I demanded.

"Well, it's stupid. This bouncer at the bar thought I was hitting on her girlfriend and started pushing at me and then things got a bit out of hand," she explained anxiously.

"Were you hitting on her?" I asked.

"No. No baby. I just looked at her and served her a drink, and then she started talking to me about her girlfriend," she said. "Then I got pushed, and she hit my lip, and I threw a punch back and she got me in the eye."

"Well, if you were flirting with her girlfriend you deserved it," I said getting up to go to the kitchen and get an icepack for her swollen face. I imagined Chloe fighting like it was a scene out of Lady Gaga's new video "Telephone".






"Babe, I swear I wasn't flirting," she lied. Chloe flirted with everyone and I really had no patience for lies. It made me wonder if she was in the Cheater Registry.

"Where is this going Chloe?" I asked and placed a the icepack in a towel on her head. "Really, do you want a girlfriend or do you just like saying the word?"

"I want a girlfriend," she said.

"Well, I'm not just any girlfriend. I'm me and I don't want a half-assed relationship," I said. "I certainly don't want my girlfriend beaten up in bars for flirting with other girls. Get it?"

"Yeah. I got it," Chloe said. "I'm scared. Just scared. I haven't felt this way about anyone for a really long time. I don't know if I'm ready for it," she said.

"Then you have to figure it out," I said. "I think you should go home and sleep on it."

"I would rather sleep on you?" she said and smiled one of those I'm so charming-type smiles.

"Unfortunately, I'm not a pillow," I answered.

"I want to be girlfriends," Chloe said said suddenly. "I'm just acting stupid. I'm sorry. So sorry. Please can I stay and hold you tonight."

"Listen, you don't know if you want to hold me or some other girl you met at the bar. I think you should go home," I said sending Chloe and her ice pack out the door. - Ruby

Making Marry

While Ruby was trying to figure out her love life, I was trying to refocus away from my own. I visited my mother in stagnant Staten Island (not a wise decision after a break-up…is it really ever wise?). She is not one to offer chicken soup for my soul, though is extremely good at getting me on my defenses and making me pick up my chin, as I never know when she is going to throw an emotional punch at my proverbial gut.

We drove along Hylan Boulevard from the bus stop toward Bay Street on the way to Bayou. The only heat I thought to expect this evening would come from the delicious Seafood Jambalaya.

We ordered, chatted about what was new and not so exciting. “So what happened with this one?”, asked Frannie snidely, referring to Josh.

“Same thing that happens when people are not compatible, their relationship does not last. He is young. You’re a cougar and are familiar with his type I am sure”, I replied.

Then it began.

"When are you going to get married?", asked Frannie.

"When are you going to stop asking about this? I am not even dating anyone. Why can't you ask about things that are important to me? Like, when are you applying to graduate school? Or, when are you going to move away from New York? Why do you assume that landing a husband is my priority?", I asked, obviously irritated.

"Well, I worry about you," she said, "and I want to know that you are taken care of so I don't have to worry."

"Oh right. Worry. You have been so good at that. I believe that I established that I am quite capable of taking care of myself when your skeevy boyfriend tried to seduce me from behind last year.", I said, bringing her to the verge of tears.

It was at this time when the check arrived. I grabbed it and paid, as is usually the case.

"Here you go. I pay, AGAIN. You see, how I take care of YOU?. How dare you put pressure on me. You did the same thing when Grandma was ill; pressuring me to marry Cooper. I will marry after I fall in love after I am good and ready...if I ever do fall in love with someone that much. Until then I am focusing on what is important to me and not you.", I said sternly, though not yelling.

"Let's go. I need to return to Manhattan. I feel like I lose braincells, the longer I stay on this island with you.", I said.

She did not have anything to say. She drove me to the X1 bus stop in silence.

When we reached the bus stop Frannie said to me, "Thank you for dinner. I hope you see my point. I do worry about you even if I don't show it."

"Actions speak louder than words", I replied, "I will be fine. I made it this far and will go much further. Thanks for the ride". I boarded the bus to return to my not so ordinary, chaotic life in Manhattan...that's right, it's mine. --Frankie

Girlfriend or not a girlfriend?

So I may or may not have a new girlfriend. I'm not sure honestly. I feel like I've pushed her into it.  Of course, she may have wanted me to be her girlfriend too. Chloe took me our for an amazing Valentine's Day dinner at Per Se after a great romantic and fun weekend in Hunter Mountain with several of our friends who are also lesbians. We've been together almost every night she has off from bar tending at work. She practically lives at my place.

Still I feel like I'm gunning for a silver instead of a gold, if you know what I mean. I don't think she means to, but sometimes she does make me feel second best.

And after after we slept together last night she said, "You are an amazing girlfriend." This is what she always says after we sleep together, and here's where it gets weird... she makes me stop before she orgasms.  She says doesn't like it when I make her orgasm. Now that is bazaar to me because everyone strives for that certain release. I like making her feel good and I get excited when she starts shaking and moaning.  And just when I think she's going to ....she freaks out and pushes me away because she says it is too intense for her to finish. Actually she pushes me over and  starts going down on me before I can finish her off. This makes me feel somewhat inadequate, even though I almost got her there. I'm determined to figure out why she won't let me finish what I started.

Sometimes I feel out of place with Chloe. When we go to a bar or out for dinner Chloe looks at other girls. If we go to a bar sometimes she flirts with them in front of me. I'm not sure exactly how to take it. If I flirt with girls she gets upset. I want to give her space, but I want her to respect me at the same time.

When we went to Per Se, this guy at another table was checking me out and I glanced over because he was so obvious doing the scoping. "Oh my god, this guy is too much. He's got the X-ray vision on or something," I said to Chloe.

"What? Do you want to sleep with him?," Chloe said annoyed. "Go ahead," she said. "He's been checking you out all night."

"Uh, No! I'm here with my girlfriend," I reminded her. Then she smiled and changed the subject and that seemed to be the end of that.

Chloe left this morning and said she would be at my home to cook dinner for me, which is really sweet. But it is Sunday night and almost 9pm. I'm wondering if she'll actually show up. She called about an hour ago from her place to say she was on her way, but it only takes her 20 minutes at the most to get here. (I know cause I have been to her place.) So where is she? Flirting with girls at Hens? Probably.

Now, I might be scared because I really like Chloe. Really like her. I think I'm falling for her. But there is something about her that I don't trust completely. For the most part we are two peas in a pod. We like the same foods, laugh at the same stupid movies and I can be myself with her. But there are things about her that make me nervous. It scares me too that she hates her job, and has ambitious dreams to be a doctor that she wants to fulfill eventually, someday. She quit her dream half way through med school and started bar tending. That's what she has done since and she hates it. Perhaps it is just me, but she seems to finish everything half way through including relationships and, whats more is that doesn't seem to bother her. It bothers me though. I have to admit. Maybe I'm just too harsh or judgmental. But I feel like even if I'm part of her dreams, if she has to give it effort, she will quit me half way through too. - Ruby

Dump This Biznitch

It was Sunday afternoon and I had just returned from Astoria where I visited my secret gem, Saloon, for a day of hair pampering (one of the last simple pleasures which I am able to afford). It was a cool, yet sunny day and I was trying to decide whether to go out barhopping for a bit; unusual behavior for me on a Sunday. Josh had not called; there had been a few emails and the assistance I gave to him to find another job as he wanted to leave the comic book powerhouse where he worked. Imagine that—me, the temp employee, trying to find work for another person who had a permanent position! You would think I might learn…no, a characteristic that I had also inherited from Grandma was the put others before yourself, people pleasing syndrome.

Ruby had taken off on Friday for a weekend up at Hunter Mountain. It was a two night ski trip and she had said that she wanted to invite me, though it was strictly a gay/lesbian holiday; which I understood.

Suddenly, my cell phone began to ring. It was Josh and for some strange reason, I began to have some strange feeling. I thought perhaps I shouldn’t answer the call. Then second thought why should I second guess seeming eager to hear from a friend who had become something more? I answered.

“Hey, it’s Josh. Are you busy?”, he asked.

This seemed so odd. “Not too busy. What’s up?”, I asked.

“I wanted to know if I could come over for a minute. I will not be long.”, he replied.

UGGGG, here it comes. He is breaking up with me. He had once told me that he only breaks up with girls in person; too disrespectful over the telephone or text message. Well, all pave the way for Mr. Valiant. I knew what I was walking into and for a second considered jumping the gun and calling him out, though I guess I was still hoping that he wouldn’t dump me. Not because I thought it would destroy me. Whatever, he is a guy who was a colleague, then a friend and we tried the romantic thing for a month; we never established exclusivity. Though let’s get real—BEING DUMPED SUCKS!

After ringing the doorbell I led him into the living room and sat on the sofa...and he began...

"Frankie, I have been so fortunate to date amazing women in my life," yes, he said this, "and you are breathtakingly beautiful, smart, ambitious. You really are great."

Was he serious? I can't believe this. But oh yes, it gets better...of course it gets better...

"I don't want to continue our relationship", he finally admitted.

"Why are you dumping me?", I asked.

"I know. It is something with me (translation..."it's you Frankie") I tell myself to get over it and I just can't. I am sorry", Josh apologized.

I breathed in deeply; he completely evaded my question.

He continued,"I would still like to, you know, hang out every so often."

I couldn't believe it! My self-pity had turned to disgust. Did he just say that?!

I looked at him point blank and said,"Mmmm, no, I don't do that. I come around once."

He looked stunned. Could he not believe that I was not begging to be close to his hairy like a yak body? "Uh, I think I should go", he whispered.

"Yes, good idea", I agreed.

He walked out the door as I held it open, had the nerve to look back and say, "Goodbye Frankie", way too dramatic.

I raised an eyebrow and almost laughed while I slammed the door shut in his face.

Well, that was it...Tonight is a bar night! I grabbed my phone and called Sarah immediately-- "Hey Girlie, what's up?", she asked.

"Josh dumped me!", I shrieked.

"Oh no! What a loser. He's a hipster, isn't he?," she asked.

"Don't start!", I laughed,"it's fine, whatever, he is a loser and apparently it is something with the name Josh...a few other chicks seem to have the same problem. Though I need to get out of here...NOW! Meet me at Japas in half an hour?"

Sarah laughed,"This is awesome. Almost like you're celebrating. Sure, I am down for that type of fun".

At that moment Ruby walked in. "Hey Chiquita, what's going on dude? I just saw Josh downstairs; he looked like shit and didn't even notice me", she said.

"Josh dumped me", I rolled my eyes as I spoke,"now it's time for some tension release. Let's go!"

"Frankie, I am sorry. That sucks! He is such a dirty dog", said Ruby, "though I am kind of tired from pretending to be Hannah Teter this weekend".

"I'll give you a little hint...for my first number, I will sing...well you must wait and find out", I teased.

Ruby looked at me curiously.

"Why Karaoke, My Dear", which was all I had to say before we were out the door...and losers out of our lives. --Frankie

Blogging a Break Up

Blogging about dating is fun, but it has its challenges. In the two years that I have writen for NYC Dating Disaster, I have tried my best to protect the identities of the men and women that I have dated (Granted, when we first posted the blog we did outright name some major Dating A-holes, but on the whole we keep it low profile). Shy Girl didn't give me that consideration.

"Did you see Shy Girl's blog post about you?" Jane asked, frantically waving her arms. We had met for a drink at Cubbyhole and my happy hour martini was headed back to the bar through my nose.

Luckily I sucked it back in the nick of time."Excuse me? Say what?" I said wincing and wiping my nose.

"Rubes, Shy girl has written like 10 blogs about you! She took out her iPhone and went to Shy Girl's Facebook page where there were links with descriptions such as:
"The cute girl from the bar", 
"I think I like her", 
"I'm buying a U-Haul", 
"Why won't she return my phone calls and finally,
 "The bitch dumped me."

"Ah, good read?" I asked. "It sounds like the top 10 breakup songs of all time. I like the sound of the last one."

"Rubes, they are all about you! She just keeps writing and writing about how you broke her heart. What on earth did you do?" Jane asked.

"Uh, well, I hooked up and then slept with Chloe after the New Years party and then when Shy Girl asked me on another date I told her no because Chloe and I decided we would be girlfriends, " I admitted.

"Wait, you have a girlfriend now?" Jane asked as if her head were going to explode. "Exclusive girlfriend?"

"Yes, I suppose so. But I feel kind of bad, like I pressured Chloe into it," I explained. "We had slept together and were talking about how we were both very bad at being girlfriends and had had shitty girlfriends and I said I wanted another and was looking for something serious eventually, but eventually turned out to be like one hour later after we had sex for the umpteenth time," I said very fast and took another sip out of my martini.

"Holy shit," Jane stated. "This is never going to work. Chloe is a bartender so you'll like never see her with your schedule," she said.

"That might be a good thing," I replied. "Think about it. We both get a certain amount of personal freedom that way," I said trying to sound positive.

"Or you will just end up cheating on each other," Jane said.

"Thanks for your affirmation and support," I retorted.

"Ok, but you really need to do something about Shy Girl or she is going to go psycho on you one of these days. Read her post,"Jane advised.

Jane was right. Shy Girl was hating. She wasn't just venting about bad dates; and we hadn't had sex so posting on bad sex wasn't even possible. Shy Girl had dedicated several posts to our relationship that never was because she didn't know why it never was.

One post whined:
Why won't you talk to me. I thought things were going well. I was falling for you before you broke my heart you asshole.


Another post stated:
I wish I could cut your heart up into tiny pieces you fucking bitch. I hate you and I hope you get a disease and die you slut

Did I really want to talk to the person that had written that? Did I deserve that?

In truth, Shy Girl had confused the hell out of me. She seemed nice at first. But then she had talked about how she was still attracted to men, but wanted to be with a woman; made a bet with her best friend over whom I would choose to date; came to a party as a friend and told everyone she was my girlfriend and then made a scene and passed out on the living room rug at Cindy's. So I had simply just told Shy Girl that I wasn't interested in seeing her anymore over the phone. That apparently wasn't enough.

"OK," I said and grabbed my phone and dialed up Shy Girl who answered a little bit too quickly and eagerly. "Hi. Yeah, so I see you've been writing some posts about me," I said.

"Yes," she admitted. "I don't know why we broke up," she complained. "You just dumped me!"

"I did," I said. "Listen, it wasn't you. I'm just at a place right now where I don't think I can be with anyone," I lied. "You were fantastic, but I'm not sure we are really good together, and I don't think that I can be as good to you and you could be to me," I said.

Jane rolled her eyes and took a sip of her amaretto sour.

"I don't want to hurt you," I continued to say to Shy Girl. "I'm very sorry if I caused you pain." This was true. I didn't want to hurt her.

Jane nodded approvingly.

"Well, if you ever want to grab a drink," Shy Girl said. "I think we would have made a great couple, but I understand if you are not ready for commitment. I thought you were. But I want someone who is serious and treats me well."

"And you deserve it," I said. "I have to go now, but again, I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends."

"Friends," Shy Girl agreed.

I hung up. "I feel like an asshole," I admitted.

"You kind of look like one too," Jane said and rubbed my head. "But I love you anyway, you dog."
Jane checked her Facebook on her iPhone. "I think she's OK now."

Shy Girl's status said "Over It."  - Ruby

Hipster Who?

Josh had left town for a few days last Monday to visit with family who live up north in Vermont. Sweet of him to make time to travel six hours on a good weekend, though the threat of snow could quickly turn a winter wonderland into a never ending road trip. I didn't care that he did not call for a few days. I never understood the stalker technique of dating which consists of constantly keeping tabs on the person you are dating. He was with family, plus I was keeping myself entertained by meeting with Nigella for drinkies at the Whiskey Blue located within the W in Midtown. Nigella's buddy, Don, has worked at the hotel for quite some time...and had been trying to work his way into her pants much longer.

"Why don't you give him a shot?", I asked Nigella, partially kidding.

"Mmmm, no. One drama crazy relationship at a time, thank you", was Nigella's reply.

"But he looooooves you", I said in a Tanqueray and Tonic generated proclamation. Nigella was kind of, semi attached. She and the guy she had been seeing for the last four years were off...again. We'll say on hiatus. Though she was in no mood for any BS right now; boyfriend, break hook-up, rebound or otherwise.

"Hey why don't we talk about your little boy-friend?", she asked,"How old is he now? Twelve?".

Oh Nigella's wit. Never a dull moment. "He is legal", I added to her bad joke,"he is up in Vermont with family this week. Poor thing is missing kickball this week", I quipped.

"Wait", said Nigella,"Kickball? Oh no. Wait. Does he wear flannel and tight pants? Grow facial hair? Does he try to be ironic and look for the irony in his attempts at being ironic?", asked a concerned Nigella.

"Dude. You almost made the Tanqueray and tonic shoot from my nose!", I laughed, "And yes, I choose answer (D) All of the above".

"Frankie! I think you're dating a hipster! EWWWWWW."

I never really got the entire concept of The Hipster. That infamous being that had supposedly invaded and conquered Williamsburg, Greenpoint, LES, and now existed in cells throughout Astoria.

"No, Nigella, don't be silly", I said, "He is Josh, just Josh. I mean, what is this hipster label? I don't get it".

"Oh Frankie, this is not good. Your ignorance of The Hipster makes me fearful that you could not recognize one. They are obnoxious, almost emo but not. They have this air about them like they are superior, though they are completely full of shit."

Nigella's definition seemed much like those found on urbandictionary.com.

We kept chatting about it. If it were true, then I was toast. Though I could not easily identify The Hipster, what I did know is that dating one would not have positive results for me.

I definitely march to the beat of my own drummer, though in an entirely different manner than those who could be termed alternative or hipster or whatever anti-mainstream term one could use. I am simply me. As Michael Cera said during Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist,"I don't really subscribe to any label".

Which is probably why I could not recognize that I had fallen into like with a hipster. --Frankie

ATTENTION: Women on the Verge of Coupling

While out to dinner with friends this weekend I noticed something about one of the couples who were a part of our group. The conversation seemed to stray back to his ex occasionally throughout the evening. If you are just about THERE with a man and are able to write a biography about his ex then get out while you can... http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/warning-signs-that-hes-not-over-his-ex-574412/

Is This Awesome?

I looooove Cat Davis and Fortune Feimster. They are awesome.

"Is This Awesome?" Episode One - watch more funny videos

This is my favorite episode of Cat trying to get some action. I'll touch your boobs, Cat.

Cat on the Prowl: Best Bits from sassination on Vimeo.

Check out my ringtone

So Frankie, our friend Lilith and I met up at Equinox after work for a little gym time. We all got on our treadmills and started our engines. About 15 minutes into our run this bulky young blond guy approached our dear friend Lilith's treadmill, just as she was breaking out a sweat.


"Hey, ma'am can you check out my ringtone?" he asked her. 


Lilith looked bewildered. "...really...you're serious?!" she said as she slowed down from a run to a walking pace.


 "Sorry, I"m just formal like that. Yeah, this is a great ringtone, I just got it, and wanted to get an opinion, can you tell me what you think?"


"Er...sure," she said. 


This was possibly the worst pickup line ever, I thought, and winced. I expected his phone to be playing something vulgar.


He whipped out his iPhone and smiled at Lilith. Then he hit a button. The ringtone was unmistakenly Sanford and Son.


"Uh, it's Okay," Lilith replied. 


"It's Sanford and Son!" he said. "Don't you know it! People seem to really dig it.?"


"Er, yeah, I guess. So...how many people in the gym have you asked so far?"


"Just you," he said. "I thought you would know it."


Lilith, just gawked at the guy. "Why did you call me, ma'am?" Lilith asked. 


Frankie interrupted and set the poor guy straight. "Lesson is don't call any woman under 40, ma'am. Got it?"


He nodded. We had after workout martini's to recover from the unfortunate incident. - Ruby