Mastering the Scorpion Pose

Breathe, empty your mind and breathe, I was thinking as I practiced trying to achieve a scorpion pose. This pose was difficult, but it I kept my focus I could manage it. I closed my eyes.

My feet were over my head and I had my feet together. I felt like my feet were almost to my head. Then I felt Kerry's body close. Her hand on my back and her other hand slid lightly over my knee.

BAM! I collapsed.

"Damn it," I said completely flustered and defeated, rolling over and laying face down on my yoga mat. I was now also very uncomfortably turned on so I shut my legs. I couldn't help it around Kerry anymore. My underpants became flood territory anytime she was near and in yoga pants it's a bit risky.

"Shhh. Relax," She stretched herself out over me and rubbed my shoulders. "Take your time."

"Your not helping," I said as my hormones went from zero to overdrive.

"Ruby," she laughed and ran her fingers in circles up and under my shirt on my lower back.

I tried to get up. "O.K. I have to go or I'll be late," I said a little annoyed. What was this act? Was she lying to herself and I was lying to myself ? To protect what? Balance?

Kerry pushed me back onto the mat, playfully. "I have a date tomorrow night," she said. "I can't hang out."

"OK. No worries. Anyone from here?" I asked with a twinge of jealousy as I playfully pushed her back off of me and sprung up.

"No. You don't know him yet. I met him last weekend at that exhibition. He's an artist and a vegan, and he's so cute," she said as she stood and went over to her grab her water.

"Yay! Where is he taking you?" I began walking toward the locker room.

"Dunno," she said excited. "I can't wait!"

We both opened our lockers and then looked at each other. "I'll be right back. Watch my stuff," Kerry said awkwardly and walked toward the toilet.

She had been acting a bit weird since I told her that I had feelings for her, but I couldn't blame her if she wanted to push me away. I did have a boyfriend after all. She should be happy and she should date. This is a good thing, I said to myself.

I grabbed my towel and my things for the shower and undressed. Kerry came back. "Hitting the showers for Country Club?" she asked.

"Yes. I got to look good for my man," I replied.

"That's a shame. I like you sweaty," she teased and reached toward my towel.

I pushed her hand away. "Ha ha. Well, I'm not sleeping with you, sooooo I better get going," I replied walking away. "Bye bye, baby."

"Bye, bye sweetie pie. I'll call tomorrow. I'm heading home, "Kerry said.

Country Club picked me up from the gym and we went over to his place. It was purely a bachelor pad.

He poured some anisette into a pair of tumblers as I put in the DVD The Dark Knight. There was still some uneasiness there from the last time we had been out to dinner.

He had taken me to the country club that he worked in for dinner. I dressed up and met his colleagues. It was a little bit awkward and nerve wrecking because his friends, who were obviously all married and talking about their kids, kept asking us when we were going to get married."Er. Gosh do they allow people to do that, anymore in this country? Isn't there some proposition against it," I joked.

After we ate we retreated to a den with couches, which was beautiful. I was having a pleasant conversation with one man named Richard when Country Club abruptly pulled me away and started shouting at the man.

"Get away from her. She's none of your business, dad," he yelled.

"I just want to get to know her and you again," he pleaded with Country Club. "You are impossible and she seems very pleasant."

After the party, Country Club explained that that was indeed his father and that they hadn't spoken in 3 years-- ever since his mother and father got divorced. Country Club said his father didn't usually attend events at the club, but must have felt compelled to since so many members of his family were there.

My reaction: "Say, what?!I just met your family?"

"Yeah, most of them. My brother and sister. Some of my cousins. My dad..."

"Why didn't you tell me this before we went to the dinner?" I said completely humiliated and hurt that he hadn't told me beforehand.

"Did you really need to know?" he asked and laughed.

"Yes! Hello. I would never introduce you to my family without telling you who they were? I don't even know who at that dinner was your sister or your brother! That's insane!" I yelled.

He drove me back to my place in silence. He called and apologized that later that night.

Now, Country Club and I were back on track, it seemed. I still felt guilty for not telling him that I had feelings for Kerry, but he wouldn't understand it and it would only ruin what he and I had going. We cuddled on the couch as we watched the movie and sipped our nightcaps. I felt like I could finally breathe,at least momentarily, but I didn't feel balanced at all. - Ruby

No Returns, No Exchanges, No Store Credit

I needed that girls' night in at the apartment. My friends are like human emotional pillows and provided a never ending supply both comfort and Ruffino; they are the absolute best. Though my girls were all chatty and seemingly happy, there had been this strange vibe between Ruby and Kerry. It wasn't the standard tension of that pining which Ruby had toward Kerry, No, it was as though Kerry was aware somehow and I couldn't ignore the tension. I wanted to know what was up, though a sofa coffee session with Ruby must wait; Frannie strikes again.

She rang the next day to tell me that I must immediately come to Grandma's house and sort through my boxes of STUFF. Surely, you are familiar with the boxes of stuff; they contain your communion/bat mitzvah dress, dance recital costumes...remnants of former boyfriends. Yes, those boxes of stuff which you see only when moving; to the dorms, from the dorms, across the globe, and then to the first apartment. My mother wanted to sell Grandma's house and move to Florida...yes, you guessed it...with Bucket O'Slime. She is crazy, does she even recognize that this is not the most ideal time to sell ?? No matter the excuse, there was not hiding it; I was disappointed, as I grew up in that house....so many firsts and now, apparently finals. This is part of the healing, right? Like Frou Frou sings,"Let go...there's beauty in the breakdown." For some odd reason I feel like I'm about to break like Linkin Park.

Kim was in town still and offered to come with me for support. A dear friend of mine, Kim is the little sister of my very first boyfriend. Kim and I were thirteen and eighteen, respectively when I met Al. I watched her grow from a mischievous, curious girl into a beautiful, adventurous young woman. Her brother was sweet, handsome, and totally crazy about me and we fell crazy in love. After 3 1/2 years, we grew up and apart from who we were and our perfect relationship. And though Al's next girlfriend wasn't too keen on the idea, Kim and I grew closer despite my break from her brother. Families of my other exes have wanted to keep in touch with me, though I was never interested and always wanted a clean break. Kim was different, we formed a truly pure friendship, which included a great deal of laughing, more than a few tears, and of course, memories to fill volumes.

Sorting through boxes, as I heard Frannie discussing meeting with many different real estate agents, Kim and I laughed at the Reebok Pumps, cassette tapes (yes, CASSETTE TAPES), and snap bracelets, among many other items from an ancient era. We came across a large shoebox, which Kim opened.

"Frankie! Did my brother write this??"

I took the frame from her hands and laughed, "Yes, Shakespeare in love; this poem was accompanied by a collection of Shakespeare's love sonnets. I guess he conducted his research thoroughly ."

"You were both so innocent, weren't you?", she asked.

"Yes, it was a sweet, perfect introduction to the world of dating", I remembered fondly.

After a few minutes, Kim found yet another fascinating artifact from my former life. "Oh Frankie", she said, "was this cousin Lana's wedding?"

I took the frame from her hand and looked at the beautiful couple staring back at me. They were so young and fresh faced; it was the couple formerly known as Al and me. So strange, the young girl physically resembled me; I could barely recognize her.

I shook my head,"Yes, Kim...thirteen months before their divorce. What a shame, these young couples divorcing only a short while after sharing such a festive, beautiful union. Almost seems that being married for two years is a milestone."

"You know, Frankie, I am cooking dinner for Al this evening. Why don't you join us?," suggested Kim, "I think he would like to have you over".

Though I adore Kim, this amused me a bit. There was a time when I would have jumped at the invitation, convinced that I wanted him again, though it was at that time he married the rebound chick. Since then, they became part of the sad statistic; yet another divorce between two young people after maybe a few years, at most. I know our breakup upset the younger Kim, though was she now attempting to play matchmaker as an adult?

"Thanks Kim, though with everything still fresh, I feel it may be a bit too much for me right now. I really need my comfort zone. However, I expect a full showcase of your culinary ability when I visit! I will bring the wine!", I said.

She smiled, "I know, wish you would come for a bit, though I understand," she said giving me a huge hug.

After packing Frannie's truck for the trip into the big city, I drove Kim to her brother's house. "Have fun baby, safe travels, give a ring when you arrive home; I love you," I told her.

"Thank you; love you", she replied.

Sitting here among these crowded townhouses, in a small, overpopulated NYC suburb, watching Kim climb the steps of Al's house, I inhaled a large breath of contentment. She turned and waved after opening the front door. For friends, I will always circle around often; for the boys I only come around once in a lifetime. --Frankie

Confessions of a bisexual woman

So the bomb had dropped leaving chaos and confusion behind. I had just confessed my love to a friend who could not possibly reciprocate those feelings. I didn't feel broken, just stained.

"Ruby," Kerry started." I have those feelings for you too, but I don't think that I could ever be with a woman."

"What? But do you feel..." I started to say completely shocked.

"What I'm trying to say is that I don't think I could do it. I do feel something, but I don't know if it's right, and I can't be. I just can't be... I would let everyone down. Plus, the statistics of lesbian relationships actually working out is insanely small.

"But..." I started, again.

"Ruby, I always want to be your friend. I always want to have you in my life, and it can't be. I'm not that way. I can't be," Kerry said as I hugged her.

"Okay. It's Ok. Then be my friend. Let's cook some spaghetti," I said unconvincingly and taken off guard.

"You have Country Club. Be with him, Ruby. Try," Kerry pleaded."He'll be so hurt..."

" I am with him, Kerry. I am trying, but you want the truth. Right? So you have it," I said.

I walked into the kitchen hurt and mortified. Then I dipped a fork into the pot of pasta and flung a piece against the side of the refrigerator. It stuck there. I turned around and Kerry was standing there watching. I grabbed the piece of spaghetti off of the fridge and threw it at her. "Catch!"

She jumped and just stared at me guiltily.

"What? I'm over it," I said and started draining the pasta.

"I'm not. I'm..." She wrapped her arms around my waist as I stood at the sink, and started hugging me from behind."I'm not..."

"Kerry. Stop," I said and turned around. She backed away from me against the refrigerator. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just..." I started and looked down.

Kerry walked over and hugged me tight. Her blond hair in my face and her face burried in my neck. I hugged back.

We stood there in silence for a few minutes staring at each other. Our faces inches away. I waited to see if she would lean forward. She didn't. Those blue eyes just swam sadly into my own eyes. I had to look away.

"I have to finish this dinner for Frankie. Are you going to help? I want you to," I said."I want us to forget that happened."

"Forgotten," Kerry said wearily. "Back to pasta and chicken tending."

Frankie arrived just then. She threw her bag onto the couch and sunk into it.

"Hey stranger. Wine?" I asked.

"Vineyards worth," she replied. "When are they coming."

"You have 15 minutes or so before the festivities begin," I answered

Kerry grabbed a few glasses and poured us all a glass of Chianti. She handed Frankie on first and then one to me. "To your grandmother. May we all grow up to be as bad ass as that woman was," I said.

"Hells yeah," Frankie smiled sadly. We clinked glasses and each took a sip. "Where's your glass?" Frankie asked Kerry.

Kerry had poured herself a glass, but had left it in the kitchen. She held her hand out to me. I handed her my glass and she took a sip, leaving her lipstick on the edge. - Ruby

Dropping the bomb

"I think I'm in love with you," I said. There it was. The bomb dropped. Now comes the mushroom cloud.

After weeks of fantasizing about kissing and being with Kerry; and struggling with myself over the situation, I was confessing my love to her. It should have been simple. I should have felt good, relieved, scared, nervous, excited; and instead I felt like I was betraying myself, Kerry and my boyfriend.

Yes, I had a boyfriend. It had all happened too fast....

After our first night together I thought I should end things with Country Club. I knew I had feelings for Kerry. The only problem was Country Club was too perfect. I really liked him, and for a first time in a long time I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could be in a 'normal' relationship. In other words-- be with a man. I could be straight again. So I thought, I would see where this went.

At Yoga, the day after Country Club and my first night together, Kerry pulled me aside after class. "Soooo. You're glowing, I believe. Are you and Country Club serious?" she asked.

"Define, serious," I said, shrugged and rubbed my shoulder,which was aching. "I dunno. I really dunno. I like him, but would we work out in the long-term? I dunno."

"Follow me," Kerry ordered, grabbing my arm, and started walking hand in hand with me toward the locker room. "It's too soon to be thinking about the long term."

"I know. I feel like he is very serious about this though. He was all lovey-dovey this morning. I'm not sure I want to rush into anything with him," I admitted.

"Hmmm. He's more smitten with you, then you with him. Then don't. When are you supposed to see him next?" she asked and opened her locker.

I opened my locker. I grabbed my towel and flip flops and threw them on the bench behind me. "Tonight. You know I like him, but I don't know if I need him in my life. That sounds well, mean. Doesn't it? I mean I'm still at square one, trying to figure out if this is what I want."

Kerry peeled off her shirt and her shorts and tugged at my shirt. " Off," she smiled coyly as I stripped down to my bra and undies. "Then tell him you don't want to rush in. Be straight forward. He's supposed to have balls. And he can't read your mind, you know."

"Thank God," I said softly."Sauna?"

"Now," Kerry smiled taking off every last piece of clothing she had on. She wrapped a towel around her. Her body was flawless. "Are you coming?"

"Yeah, um, be there in a minute." I wrapped the towel around me and started slipping off my undies without exposing myself.

"You look ridiculous. You are so not modest, Ruby. Stop pretending. Just take it off. Take it off. Take it off." Kerry said. "Come on, hurry up or I'm going to have to pull those..."

"They are off so don't get your tits all twisted, sista'." I said slamming my locker shut. "You just want to see the goods. Can't say I blame ya."

"Oh yeah. Gimme a peak at those," Kerry said and pretended to peak down at my boobs in the towel.

"Back off, baby," I said walking past her toward the sauna.

"I love it when you play hard to get," she teased.

That night, Country Club had me over his place and cooked dinner for me. He had cooked chicken fajitas-- mostly because we both loved sloppy foods --and he had tons of guacamole, which is just about my favorite food besides Ben & Jerry's.

"So I really like you a lot Ruby and I want to get to know you better. I know you aren't seeing anyone else now and I'd like to keep it that way. I was thinking of maybe asking you," started Country Club. "to be my girlfriend.

"Oh. Wow," I swallowed. "Um. Isn't it too fast?"

"No. Ruby. I really think. I know this is going to sound crazy and the last thing I want to do is scare you off, but I really think I'm falling for you. You're just amazing," he said."I know its greedy, but I want you all to myself and I want to do this right. I think you could be The One."

I turned red and for a second I considered running for the door. "Wow. Um. Yes," I heard myself say. Did I just say that? This is what most girls dream of right? A handsome man asks you to be his girlfriend because he thinks you are it. The one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And when I sleep with him I fantasize about a woman. Shit. Of course I said yes, I thought. Kerry is straight. There is no chance. I might as well be happy and Country Club tries to make me happy.

That night Country Club and I made love and I tried my best to keep Kerry out of my thoughts.

Kerry came over for dinner the next day. We had decided to cook dinner for a bunch of Frankie and my friends in an effort to cheer Frankie up after her grandmother's death.

The water was almost to a full boil and we were cracking out the spaghetti when the B-Word came up.

"Boyfriend?" Kerry asked, looking crushed. "Boyfriend?! I...I'll be back...I have to pee."

I was confused. This wasn't the reaction I expected from Kerry. I threw the spaghetti in the pot, and then walked into my room where Kerry was reading my poetry journal.

"Who are these about?" she asked and sat on the bed.

I walked over and sat down next to Kerry. "Those I wrote when I was with Elizabeth," I answered. "Do you ever miss her? Those are the most recent poems?"

"Yeah. I really haven't been writing poems all that much lately and yes, sometimes I do miss her"

"God, you should write more often. They are beautiful," she said and hugged me.

"Ruby, I'm happy for you. I really am," Kerry said still hugging me. "It's just I thought you wanted something else."

"What?" I asked petrified. Maybe Kerry was interested in me after all?

"I mean I thought you wanted to slow down. I thought that you weren't looking for anything serious," Kerry said. "I guess I was wrong."

"Oh. Well...yeah. Fuck," I answered. "It wasn't in my plans."

"Ruby, do you see yourself with a man or a woman in the future?" Kerry asked. She was extremely close. I could feel her breath was on my cheek. All I wanted to do was hold her and kiss her --and most of all tell her that I just wanted to be with her.

"I dunno. I really don't...I see myself with just someone I know I love regardless of gender." Before I knew what I was doing I brushed her hair aside and leaned in to kiss her. She turned her head so I hit her just to the side of the mouth.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I think I'm in love with you."- Ruby

Let Sleeping Ex-Girlfriends Lie

It happened. It's over. She is gone. My true love and best friend. This house is filled with people, though it feels so empty. I know they are family and mean well (some of them anyway), though they don't understand, as they are not me nor are they my grandmother. They were never in this situation falling within the dynamic of our relationship. In the midst of this bizarre whirlwind, I realize that I am left to finish raising Frannie...a woman, who at 52 is unable to figure out which is the routing number on her checks--yes, really.

I held it together through the entire process; didn't cry once, simply don't feel like anyone deserves to see it. Family is one thing, though my friends are the greatest; Nigella, Ruby, Sasha, Alexis; even Kim made it out from Arizona for our Irish wake. Thank goodness for Pamela who embodies the best qualities of both friend and family; she arrived one hour after the passing and has stayed around watching and helping me. Ruby and I discussed what I had been missing in the neighborhood and her latest kind-of-love-triangle.

"Kerry is extremely pretty and you seem to be perfectly matched mentally," I reassured Ruby,"though the powers that be, and by The Powers, I mean Cindy, feel she is straight. Sorry Chiquita, I am certainly not able to judge; unless I am out with you at Henrietta's, if a woman makes a pass at me and I simply think she wants to go shopping or have a day at the spa. I am totally oblivious to female advances."

"Oh please Frankie", Pamela interjected ,"you're oblivious when anyone hits on you. Ruby, I take this girl out down to Jenk's, which is a friggin' meat market, during the summer and she never notices when anyone makes a move...it's actually entertaining to watch. In my opinion, Ruby, you should ask Kerry what her intentions are, because if she is anything like this one here (gesturing and rolling her eyes toward me), then you will be stuck on your sofa folding her new boyfriend's boxer briefs."

"Hey I resent that!", laughing as I poured another Hennessy neat. Uncle Danny answered the ringing telephone as we girls continued laughing reminiscing in Grandma's kitchen; trips to Grandma's sister, Annie's house in New Jersey where Pamela, her sister Lynnie and I would play in the backyard for hours or planting tulip bulbs and wax begonias to complement the daffodils; so many great memories. ..

"Hey, Frankie, phone for you," he called.

"Who is it?", I asked

"Dunno," he replied, "some guy", and he returned to the family room to join the others.

I swallowed the lump in my throat; would that dick really have the nerve to call me now? I text him earlier to tell him the news, not knowing if he would hear it from a superior nor if he would care, though still couldn't bring myself to call him when he asked. My comrades fell silent, all eyes on me as I rose and walked toward the waiting receiver.

"Hello?", I asked rather than greeted.

"Frankie? Oh Frankie, Bunny Baby, it's really you...I missed your voice...all I've wanted is to speak with you...I need you...I love you...", said the voice on the other end.

"Ralph??", I suddenly felt sick, and my friends mouths dropped perfectly in sync. "Oh Frankie, I need you please can we just talk for five minutes...I love you....I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU FRANKIE."

"Do you even know what is going on here?? Do you even give a fuck???? No of course you don't...you're probably still coked up from five years ago, aren't you?", I asked, "My grandmother just fuckin' died and you call her house during her wake asking a favor of me?!?! I despise you, never want to hear from you again...why can't you just leave me alone?? Don't go away mad boy, just go away."

"Frankie, I changed, I swear on my mutha's eyes...OK fine, I am a lil' whacked right now...but really, I changed," he pleaded, "I have a great job now and things have changed. I'm doin' good, real good."

I had to rid myself of this flea...he is the most annoying little insect, that I have ever encountered...like a cockroach, he just will not die! This was a risk, though I had to try it; no other method was successful in keeping him away. So, this happened before Ralph and I dated, and it was only one kiss, though perhaps a little embellishment on the truth would make him leave me alone. He and his older brother John (or Johnny Boy) were always in competition and Ralph's envy could be my best weapon.

With the girls watching, not knowing what to do, I chugged the remaining Henny from my glass and breathed into the receiver, "Ralph, I can't take you back...not after discovering Johnny Boy is such a better screw with much better equipment. In fact, if you see him please pass along my number. Thanks a bunch! Ciao!"

--Frankie

On killing Jenny Schecter and the tangled web we weave

Sunday Kerry and I were still wondering who killed Jenny Schecter on L-Word and if there were alternate endings like in the movie "Clue" (unfortunately not, but there's a fake Facebook page), when Country Club called to see if he could come over and perhaps spend the night.

Kerry, who was doing our laundry (yes, mine and hers) at my apartment volunteered to leave. "Whatever sweetie-- no worries--have fun. I'll be over tomorrow. I know you won't let my clothes mold," she laughed and kissed me on the cheek.

My date with Country Club a couple of weeks ago had been fantastic. He had taken me out to Zampa for dinner. It was a very intimate place so we got a bunch of appetizers, wine and even if Lindsey Lohan had walked into the room it couldn't have stopped our conversation. He called the next day and asked for a second date.

"Wow!" Kerry exclaimed at the time. "That was quick. I guess he's really into you, which is great of course," she said looking a bit concerned and distant."Just don't be one of those girls that disappears when you get a boyfriend. OK?"

"I couldn't, if I tried," I said laughing. "Besides, who would keep me in shape with horrific yoga routines?"

The second date with Country Club ended in a night of dancing at Son Cubano. After I knew he could salsa I decided that I was ready to be with a man again even though it had been a while since I had been with one. However, I felt a weird. What do I identify as then? Am I straight, lesbian, or bisexual like Alice Pieczecki, whose sexual identity was basically erased as the L-Word evolved? (Yes, ok. I'm still distrurbed by the last episode! Can you blame me?) Or was I more like Jenny? An Unidentified Fucked-up Object. AHHHHH!

So Country Club came on over after the episode of The L-Word; knocking at my door with roses in hand. After some amazing kissing we drifted into the bedroom. But as I was kissing Country Club I kept seeing Kerry. I was fantasizing about Kerry! Kissing Kerry, and then Kerry well went south of the boarder...and when things started getting really hot and heavy I realized I was with Country Club, "Ouch! Oh...Take it easy."

And then I drifted back into Kerry fantasy-land. Imagining it was her arms around me in a yoga position or an extension of one.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, my God. Are you ok?" I said.

"What? No. I'm not gay," he said.

"Uh. That's not what I asked," I replied laughing and rolling off of him. "Oh my God are you?"

"No, no. It's just my back. I injured it. I'm not gay or anything," he said. "I think you are amazingly sexy, and I should be much better at this and I usually am, but I can't even lift my arms over my head right now because of all those weights I lifted yesterday."

"It's okay,"I said and turned him over. "Let me rub your back for awhile."

Country Club fell asleep as I gave him a back rub, and as I rubbed his back I realized I was hoping for an alternate ending. One that included Kerry. Throughout the night I mulled over and over it until the conflicted and complexness of my situation and my emotions errupted like thunder in a morning sky. - Ruby

Dr. Jackson and Mr. Dick

I never thought that I would ever be so happy to see this island again! No, not Grand Turk (though it was the most beautiful, unadulterated little sliver of sand); I am actually grateful to be at Grandma's house... in...yes...Staten Island. After only a few days following our return to Deliverance country from the cruise, I had enough of PeeWee's playhouse and demanded that we return to NYC with Grandma. Reasons to leave? Oh, where do I begin? I told Frannie what transpired between her scumbag boyfriend and myself.

She responded to my accusation only after consulting Mr. Wonderful,"Why do you want to destroy my happiness?? You must have misunderstood. He was only trying to show you how thankful he is that you left your boyfriend during the holidays and comfort you during this difficult time".

"Oh yes, M-O-M, he showed me how grateful he is", I quipped.

"Oh Frankie, please, you think every man wants you because you are pretty", she accused and continued,"was he hard when he did this?"

I was stunned, motionless where I stood; did she really ask that question? "Well, you were never one to offer emotional shelter why should you start now?", I stung the woman with my words. She glared at me, tears in her eyes, screamed from her gut and threw her phone, which missed me and smashed into little pieces on the floor.

Five minutes later I contacted JetBlue on my phone to change our flight and one day later we were returning to NYC, as a happy little family.

I am lying in bed in my old room, as Hospice prepares Grandma's bed downstairs. She is in so much pain, her mind is deteriorating and we are unable to care for her alone.

Speaking of caregivers, where is Lucifer? The last I heard from him was Monday when he text me, simply saying that he missed my warmth. I left a voice mail prior to our departure from the airport in Fort Myers, telling him that we were returning early and I was hoping that he would make it out to the Island soon. I wanted his arms, touch; only to be held. I am so sick of crying over this impending emotional hurricane; to lie in his arms and fall soundly asleep for the first time in three months is the best medicine; nearly close to heaven.

I was drifting; only a light sleep, never anything substantial. My phone rang. It's Lucifer. "Hey Sugar," he began, "how is everything?", his voice no longer soothing, almost bored and uninterested.

"We brought in Hospice for Grandma, this is not looking good. I am so tired, though unable to sleep" I replied.

"Sorry Frankie, that is sad." Something in his voice was not right; it wasn't the same soothing, warm song that I heard when waking those mornings in his Hell's Kitchen apartment.

"Are you well? You never responded when I left the message telling you about our early return."

"UMMM...yea, Frankie...I started seeing other people while you were away.", He stated coldly.

What?, I asked myself and said, "YOU started seeing other people...after asking ME to be with only YOU?"

"Well, yes", he answered matter of factly.

"Why would you do this to me...now...with my grandmother on her deathbed?"

"Well, we haven't been dating that long and then you went away and I didn't know when you were coming back. You were talking about running down to Panama later in the year and I can't hold a relationship like that; it is unrealistic. You were being inconsiderate of my needs. I am sorry." He was so insincere it felt as though I never knew this Dick formerly known as Dr. Feelgood

Oh, he was a mean bastard. I was so angry and tired which made me cranky; he roused this anger within me, a purging of all the shit that had accumulated in three months. "So you made the decision to end things about, what...a week ago, without me? And here you sit, you selfish piece of shit. You probably had a date with her earlier this evening." He was silent. "Well, I hope you had fun, I may now rest soundly knowing that I am no longer wasting your sweet, precious time...here comes the click Dr. Dick", I said and hung up.

--Frankie

Dr. Everything will be all right

There is nothing like visiting the gyno. Really.Unfortunately my gynecologist passed away so I had to find a new one, and fast.

The reason being there's this guy at the gym who I started seeing and my birth control pill prescription has gone kaput. We shall call him' Country Club,' and simply for the fact that he works at one. So in order to have sex, a gyno visit was a necessity.

Kerry helped me out of course. I really don't know what I'd do without her. Have you ever met someone that just got you and knew what you were saying before you said it? Well, that's Kerry. So when Country Club asked me out she said, "Wow. Anyone would want to fuck him. I hope you've got a full pack." Of course, I didn't. Eek!

So I told Kerry my story and after confirming that she wasn't a lesbian, she recommended I see her gyno and called for an appointment for me, which was beyond nice.

I went to see Dr. G and you know what the visit is like...spread your legs...this may hurt...this is this...that is that...do you have a partner?....everything is fine...we will call you if anything unusual shows up in the tests. Well, Dr. G. finished by asking me back to her office.

"Everything looked great," she said. "I'm a bit concerned that you don't seem to have a consistent partner. Is there anything I can help you with there?" she asked and raised an eyebrow.

" Er.....no?" I answered, my mouth hanging open. Huh?

"Well, we might have more in common then you would initially think. It's not easy out there and I know I have a kid, but I've never been married. My partner and I never got there," she said

'Is this doctor hitting on me in some sort of fucked up way?' I thought

"Well," she sighed. "Here is you prescription and if you need anything. I mean, advice...anything. Please call," she said,turning away and then suddenly giving me a hug.

"Gee. Thanks. Dr. G.," I said and walked out completely baffled, and well to be completely honest, a bit mortified since I think she was hitting on me after looking at my, well...but I got the prescription and my date with Country Club.

I wasn't sure I should tell Kerry, but I did. She looked kind of like she'd been hit with a baseball bat.

"No," she said and hugged me. "I'm soooo sorry. I had no idea. I just...Well, wait a minute I don't get it. Is that a problem?"

"Dude, I don't care. Whatever. It's actually kind of flattering I guess," I replied and shrugged.

"Well, I really don't blame her," Kerry replied and touched my shoulder. "If I were into girls, I would be into you," she said.

"Come on, stop it. That's bull," I started to say.

"For real. I'm into guys. You know," she said looking directly at some sporty punk lifting weights. "Country Club is hot. I mean Hot! But if I were into girls...then it would be someone like you...Do you know what I mean, sweetie?" she asked, hugging me.

"Kerry, baby, if our lives were a book I think we'd be on different chapters," I responded. - Ruby

Nothin' Sez Lovin'

As Lucifer's and my relationship blooms despite the cold winter, Grandma becomes more fragile and weaker daily. I don't trust him, though I can't ignore the temptation that he offers to escape this cold, barren garden of testing, treatment and pain. He is beginning to participate with the family and didn't end our relationship after hearing my duet with Ruby at the Karaoke Bar; he actually thought that my raspy, off key rendition of Love Song was...cute (yes, I laughed as well)! He won over Mom and Grandma during dinner at The View, located atop The Marriott Marquis and then took me to Madison Square Park where he taught me to waltz in the crisp, clear night. After yet another evening filled with truly amazing, almost indescribable passion (I still can't believe the human body is able to bend that way!), I had to leave him to join Mom and Grandma at the house in Staten Island. We were taking Grandma on that cruise which she always wanted to take, though never did, as she would say, "...there will always be time to go...". No time like the present, I say.

Before stepping onto that X1 again, I stopped to join Nigella for coffee at The Hollywood Diner. She and I discussed Grandma's condition and then of course, Lucifer.

"Frankie, I am happy for you. You seem happy and he seems to be providing you with a distraction, as needed," observed Nigella.

"Yes, here's to hoping absence makes the heart grow fonder", I toasted, tapping our mugs. "Right now I hope that Grandma has the greatest time of her life, as she has always wanted it. And I hope that I can survive two weeks at Steve's."

As our port of call for the cruise was Tampa, we were spending the evening preceding and two weeks following the cruise with my mother's boyfriend.

"Is Frannie's boyfriend that bad, Frankie?", asked Nigella.

"I don't know what it is. He never did anything to me and he seems to make her happy. He is pompous and arrogant...I must say, Nigella, can't put my finger on it, though he creeps me out a bit."

"Well, he does live in that tiny little southwest Florida town...can't you hear the banjo strumming as you approach county line?," she joked. "Perhaps he was inbred.", quipped Nigella prompting me to spit out my coffee in a fit of laughter.

After rolling Grandma off of the plane and packing our things into Steve's Dodge Ram 3500, we were on our way to his little town of Tice, where the center of the town is located at Bud's General Store, where you may buy groceries, tackle and for the trusted locals, guns and ammo (no kids, not the publication). Back at the ranch, Grandma was watching television in the living room, Mom was nowhere to be seen and I was sitting in the computer room (which was dark except the light of the screen) surfing the Internet when Steve entered the room.

"Hey darlin', I am just going to slide in here", he said. I thought he was going to reach over my head for a pen or a sheet of paper. He proceeded to straddle the chair, lower himself behind me, put his arms around my waist (you know, the actual waist which sits just under a woman's breasts) and pull me into him. I froze, wrapping my arms around myself above his tight hold.

"Remove your fucking arms, stand up and never fucking do that to me again" I calmly demanded. He unwrapped his arms, stood and failed to contest the accusation in my stare. I sat in shock for a few minutes. "Suck it up," I told myself, "lock the bedroom door when you go to sleep this evening and keep your cool for Grandma." I couldn't believe that my mother's boyfriend just tried to feel me up! My mother's boyfriend just tried to feel me up as my grandmother sits in the next room watching television and Frannie, where the hell is my mother? WHAT THE FUCK?!?! EWWWWWWW...the only way to totally cleanse myself of this dirty feeling will be to soak in bleach...EWWWWW. I needed to talk to someone from home; someone who knew that this was not appropriate! Ruby, calling Ruby is the answer; she'll know what to do, she is bright and in the closest thing to a stable mindset right now.

"Heeeellllloooo Chiquita," she answered, "How is The Sunshine State treating you? I just stepped in from yoga and, Frankie, that girl is...Frankie? Are you there?"

"Uh, yea, Ruby...ummm...yoga, yes, she is a very pretty girl," I tried, really.

"What happened Frankie?? Is it Grandma? Is she OK???", Ruby asked

"Yes, she is fine; inside watching Jeopardy! as usual. Ruby, my mother's boyfriend just hit on me, I mean really blatant, no question...", I recounted the story.

"Jesus Frankie," she finally breathed, "that is, so disgusting and disrespectful and...EWWWWWWW!! I understand that you don't want to disrupt the plan or, please excuse the pun, rock the boat, though you must tell your mother what happened. Do it calmly and whenever you like before returning to Steve's place after the cruise, though the sooner the better. It will be like removing a band-aid if you do it correctly; quick, painless and will leave only a slight, red mark. Though for now go inside and go to sleep, please, you are running on empty already".

"Ruby", I said, "I think I would rather take my chances and sleep out here with the gators". --Frankie

Not gonna write you a love song

Since I broke up with Limp Dick about a year ago and started my saga back in dating I have been on more disastrous dates then I could have imagined. Still I wouldn't trade them in. My adventures over the past year have let me turn more corners and discover that the person I am and also that person who I want to be with has to be (let me not go all cliche on you) unique. After all, I'd rather go on a bunch of bad dates then be as sexually frustrated as Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Wouldn't you?

Anyway, I recently joined a Equinox gym in dire hopes to work off my addiction to Ben & Jerry's. I decided to try the Yoga class since it supposed to tone and help with focus, but all my mind could focus on was the instructor. Her name was Kerry. She was blond, blue-eyed and there was no way she could be into girls. Right?

We started off with a sun salutation. She did the move and then we repeated until she said stop. As I was saluting the sun she came over, smiling and winked. She didn't say a word, but quickly slid her hand down my thigh and adjusted my legs and then quickly adjusted my arms, slid her hands down to my waist and then walked away and went to the next person.

I felt like I had just been frisked by a seductress.

Kerry repeated this throughout the hour session. By the end of it I was soaked...With sweat, that is.

I was throwing my yoga mat in the closet with the others when she introduced herself to me. "Hi-ya! I'm Kerry! Thanks for stopping by my class today. You know you are pretty flexible well balanced. If you would like to spend a little extra time I could go through some sessions with you so you are able to do more advaced poses. What do you say?"

"Well, I like the class, but I don't really have the money to hire a personal trainer..." I responded.

"No, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean...I meant I'd love to just show you. No cost. Just for fun," she said.

"Oh. Yeah. That'd be cool!"

So I went back the next day and had a private lesson. It was great! I was becoming a yoga master, but I couldn't take my eyes off of teacher. It was OK though. She was straight, had just broken up with her boyfriend, and completely out of my league so I resigned myself to making her a friend.

Then during our third lesson, after Kerry taught me to do this headstand move, she grabbed my shoulders and started giving me a massage.

"Your t-shirt is kind of getting in the way. Do you mind if I take it off?" she asked.

"Oh, I guess not. I'm wearing a sports bra," I replied and giggled a bit.

"Oh yeah, maybe I'll try to convince you to take that off too," she said laughing.

"Please. You really want to see sweaty boobs," I said laughing too.

I turned my head and her face was right up to mine. We were both laughing. Then she stopped and touched my face and smiled. I was well flabbergasted. What did that mean? Could she be interested? No, couldn't be.

"Hey, you know. It's late and I'm supposed to meet friends over at this Karaoke Bar around the corner," I started. "Are you outta here? Would you want to come?"

"Sure. That sounds fun," she said.

We met Frankie, her hot doc, Cindy and her latest fling and joined in the signing at a table in the bar area.

"Damn. She's hot," Frankie said to Cindy softly after Kerry went to get us drinks at the bar.

"She's also straight," Cindy whispered back.

"We're just friends," I said.

"Friends. You want her ass!" Cindy responded. "I can't blame you, but she'll slap you before she kisses you. Consider this your warning. You don't want to deal with that again."

"You got slapped?" Frankie asked.

"I kissed this girl in high school and she smacked me. I thought she was into me," I said. "By the next week I was dating a senior guy."

"I thought we had lost her for good," Cindy said laughing.

Kerry came back over with a couple hard cocktails that she said were semi-low carb. They were super sweet and super strong.

Frankie signed me and her up to sing "Love Song" by Sara Bareiles. Frankie started off the song and I followed with the next verse. We sang the song like angry lovers to each other and the choruses together. It was off the hook. We got a standing ovation from everyone in the bar, including Kerry who kissed me on the cheek after we returned to the table. - Ruby

Abashed the Devil Stood...

Pamela and I searched the Internet for one hour after she sent the text. Pamela is the queen of investigation and surveillance; I swear that she missed her calling. When she read the excerpt from a 2007 med school bulletin, "...Justina Jackson, who painted the murals depicting regional...scenery, is the wife of Romeo Jackson, MD/MBA student...", she could not stop searching.

"Did he ever mention anything about marriage...ever?", asked Pamela. I thought for a moment and replied,"We had a conversation last week, which we began by discussing the institution of marriage and then led to the subject of our parents' respective divorces. He said that he doesn't think that the ceremonial act of marrying is important and living together is sufficient." "Frankie", began Pamela, "perhaps he is divorced", said Pamela. "No way, why wouldn't he mention it during that conversation?", I asked. "I am telling you Frankie, calling it right now", Pamela continued, "He was married and burned...probably badly. No man is going to tell you that he thinks so casually of marriage unless he has been there in the past and it didn't work." "Don't I have a right to know?", I asked. "He may not be ready yet", said Pamela, who was playing devil's advocate. "Shouldn't he have given me a choice; I don't want to date a divorced guy!", I complained. "So then don't date him Frankie; it isn't a big deal. Plus, you are getting older, your pool of options is becoming smaller and soon, well they will almost all be divorced", said Pamela. "Well doesn't THAT sound promising. It can't be true; can it? Don't I deserve something wonderful? Why is it that they all have a fucking issue or fifty?", I asked. "Yes, you do deserve the best, though perhaps you are taking this too seriously. This isn't something that will directly hurt you; it isn't an action that he is using against you. This is his; it is something that happened to him, if it did happen; if there is no longer a Justina Jackson who exists in his life".

Earlier today, I took Grandma to her radiation treatment. On warm, sunny days, I roll her up to the hospital in her in her wheelchair, though today's snowstorm made that quite difficult and we took a taxi. She marveled at the large skyscrapers as we made our way through Times Square and admired the tiny shops which line Ninth Avenue in Hell's Kitchen. Watching her discover this life so late though still able to enjoy it was so amazing that I didn't care when my publisher called, apologized, and told me that he had no choice but to lay me off. I expected that call for a few weeks, though I am not worried, as I will always survive. There is just no way that they could wait for me in this economy and I had no other option than to wait for Grandma, as she always waits for me.

While waiting for Grandma to finish her treatment session, I pondered divorce; Lucifer's possible divorce, my parents' bitter divorce, and the rhyme and reason for each. Dad had told me that he wanted so badly to make it work, though mom simply didn't want that life any longer. She wanted to be single again and had no room for this man in her life any longer. She denies that these accusations are true, though I have been fortunate enough to recognize the trends in her dating throughout the years. I now know that there is simply no way he could be wrong about her cheating heart.

Lucifer and I saw each other only briefly over the last few weeks, as Grandma needed me more and honestly, I was a bit disgusted and not ready to address this issue. Tonight, I was determined to either coax some answers from him or simply end the relationship. After dinner with the family this evening, I decided to meet him at the Angelika where we saw Doubt. Hey, we are both Catholic high school survivors; one atheist and an infidel. I was taking the night off from Hope Lodge and told him that I would spend the night at his place (well, we'll see). We started making out and despite my usually voracious sexual appetite and he being an incredibly adept lover (fine, yes, he is the best that I ever had), I was simply not in the mood. We stopped at a PG-13 type ending and then lay in bed, as Feist softly hummed 1,2,3,4 in the background, when he asked what I want in a man and I answered, "Someone who is kind...from whom I may learn and...wants more from this life than what they are given. And you?" He thought for a moment, so beautifully sad when he remembers his past and considers his future. "I want someone who is on my level; not necessarily regarding their choice of career or education. I could love a rock star...or an artist or a bartender, in fact, my preference would be that they not work within the medical field. They should want from life what I want." Could he have planned to provide a better segue for me to address this issue?? I thought for a moment and asked, "Did you ever think that you found her?" He breathed deeply and I wondered if he would admit it...though what exactly was it? Staring at the ceiling he exhaled a "Yes...I was once married; though I am not...any longer." Still a bit stunned no matter how long I prepared, I asked, "Completely divorced? Separated? Any children?". If he mentions children, then I am out of here. "Completely divorced; it was finalized a year and a half ago. No kids, I wanted them, but...", he trailed off. I turned my body toward him and said,"You don't have to tell me the story, if you don't feel comfortable doing so."

He met my gaze and cautiously began, "Well, we dated for about five years and were married for three. We were trying to have children; that is what I wanted...and thought she wanted. She began having an affair with a colleague...and realized that she wanted him more, though made that decision before she realized that she was pregnant." I held my breath, though did not offer any further reaction. He continued,"She said that she didn't know whose child it was, though I, uh...I calculated...I know that it was my child." I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply. "And you said that you have no children now?," I asked, trying to confirm what he was telling me without saying the words. Apparently, he felt compelled to say the words, "Yea, that's right Frankie...she aborted it...she didn't want our child and she chose her lover over her husband."

He too, bleeds...

--Frankie

What happens in Vegas...

Elizabeth and I were finally over. It look her a couple weeks to realize when I said it was over that meant, "Don't freakin' call me anymore. You cheated on me with your ex and I hate your guts." Luckily work sent me to Las Vegas to cover an event. If only I could rush off to Vegas every time someone dumped me...

Cindy and Frankie both suggested I be a very naughty girl and when I arrived at The Mandalay Bay I certainly felt like one. The hotel was lavish.

I had arrived for the conference a day early so I had some time to kill. The weather was warm and since it was just below freezing in New York I thought I'd better hit the pool and sap in some sun. But on the way to the pool I got a bit sidetracked. I figured I'd take a chance so I played a little roulette and won and then won again! Then I stopped and took my winnings back to my room, which is very "me". I like to stop while I'm ahead or things get too out of hand, usually.

So by the time I had made it to the pool I had downed a few martinis and the sun seemed to be setting. They have this amazing wave pool with a beach down at the Mandalay Bay so I sat on the sand with another martini and sucked in the sunset and olives.

I waded into the water a bit when I saw two very attractive men who resembled movie stars I love and cherish. One man (let's call him Brad) was on one side of the beach lounging on a towel and the other man (we'll call him Orlando) was in the water not too far away from me.

I was just thinking fabulous eye candy and my change in luck when Orlando swam over and introduced himself.

"So how do you like Vegas?" he asked.

"So far I like it. It's my first time," I explained.

"Well you know what they say... You can get away with anything here" he laughed.

"Well that depends," replied a very deep voice behind me. I turned around to face Brad.

"On what?" I asked.

"It depends on your luck, expectations, and how you play the game," he replied and winked.

I laughed. "Do you two know each other?" I asked.

"No," they simultaneously replied.

"You see, he must be here to play," Orlando said pulling me toward him, "Or he wouldn't have made his way over."

"How could I resist coming over," Brad said gesturing toward me and then swam over.

At this point both men were pressed up against me, one in the front and the other behind me, glaring at each other.

"Um. OK. Well it was nice to meet both of you," I said completely turned on, mind you, but a bit squeamish about being stuck in the middle of a boy brawl.

I turned to leave when Orlando kissed me gently on the mouth and turned to Brad. "Leave. She is with me."

"Oh really, Romeo?" Brad then pulled me gently toward him and gave me an amazing kiss on the mouth. I was speechless and confused. Wait a minute? The next thing I knew the three of us were making out in the pool. I was like grilled cheese melting in between sandwich bread, in a sexy sort of way. There were lips and legs and hands groping. It was fantastic for like ten minutes.

I was really getting into it when they began pushing each other, then bumping and grinding on both ends of me, then Brad and Orlando began liplocking, and much like melted cheese I pushed myself out of the sandwich.

I watched them make out with each other for a little while and they tried to get me back into their session, which quite passionate, quick and quite rough. But I couldn't get myself to join in the pool party in their pants or non-pants by that point. I decided it was most likely dangerous to be in the middle of those two (they would probably poke me to death) and that sex with one person was probably more intimate then sex with two people at the same time. Yes, it might have been fun, but sometimes you just know when to fold. - Ruby

Sympathy From the Devil

What day is it? Wasn't there something important that happened? Oh yes, that inauguration thing. I don't even bother looking at the calendar these days. Grandma's condition is not improving and we have been advised by doctors to book the cruise that she always wanted to take. We have become minor celebrities here at Hope Lodge; "The Three Franceses" as they refer to us. Three generations of women who battled cancer to some degree at some point in our lives and watched as it destroyed other family members. Fran, my grandmother, started during the 1960's with a double mastectomy and hysterectomy. Frannie, my mother, beat breast cancer following radiation and a lumpectomy. After finding me crying on our bathroom floor early last year, Ruby consoled and convinced me that the precancer couldn't harm me if I addressed it straight away; thankfully, she was right. We each succeeded due to our innate hunger for survival.

Apparently, Romeo (or Lucifer, his middle name, by which he preferred to be called) was attracted to this lust for life and survival, which he saw in me. After approximately one week of dating, I was gathering my things, heading out after another amazing night off from the cancer hotel opting instead to stay at his studio in the resident housing building located near the hospital. He pulled the waistband of my jeans, as he sat on his bed and begged me to stay another evening. "I can't", I replied, "I have to leave and prepare Grandma for her treatment tomorrow". After another ten minutes of kissing him goodbye and almost submitting to his attempt at undressing me, I jumped up and attempted to leave. He stood, still holding my hand, looked into my eyes and said, "Frankie, I have never met anyone like you. You are an amazing young woman; accomplished, strong, affectionate and gorgeous. You exude this warmth that I have never felt from anyone. Please say that you will see only me. Be with me, please." I thought for a moment, smiled, and replied, "You are great, we share the same interests, you have both an MD and MBA...and oh, yes, you're unbelievably hot. Hmmmm...let me think about it, okay? [patting his cheek and tilting my head to one side]". He playfully threw me on the bed calling me a punk as he tickled me until I yelled "YES!", still laughing uncontrollably. "Man, I am in trouble", he said, brushing my face with his lips, though I felt like I was entering dangerous territory.

That was last week and he has been wonderful. Grandma was brought to the ER following an dangerously high blood pressure reading which was taken during her radiation appointment. After working a 12 hour shift at the hospital's uptown location, Romeo stopped in to check on her and then checked on me as I waited. He knew that I had not eaten anything all day, took me to Burrito Box for take away burritos- my favorite meal; though as a Cali native, he is a bit of a burrito snob (yes, fine, I admit it--El Indio is the best that I have ever eaten in The States). I ate my burrito in record time, easing his concerns about my eating habits, as I was losing a considerable amount of weight--damn nervous energy. "Sugarplum", he began, as he touched my face, "you are carrying so much right now and I know that protecting you from all of this pain is impossible, though I want to attempt to do what I can...please let me." I closed my eyes, nodded silently and he began to kiss me passionately. Swiftly picking me up from my chair at the table, he carried me over to the bed. He ran his strong hands up along my stomach, ribs, removing my shirt. His mouth traveled down my neck, arm, along my waist, as he unbuttoned my jeans. He felt amazing, everywhere, every way. I removed his white t-shirt and admired what I still couldn't believe that I was seeing. His perfectly chiseled chest displayed a ring adorning each nipple. I can't believe that Dr. Feelgood has nipple rings! Yes, he is a freak, though he is now my freak...my incredibly talented, beautiful freak.

He was still showing me how greatly he wanted to protect me when my telephone rang. "Shit, Darling, wait", I said while lifting his handsome face and reaching for the screaming phone. Breathlessly I answered,"Hello, Hi...uh, Mom. Yes, just at Romeo's, um finishing dinner. Sure, leaving now," and closed the phone. "I have to leave, thank you for everything, Darling," I said to Romeo, who finally seemed...to...return to Earth. "I'll walk you over, Sugarplum", he offered.

After kissing Romeo goodnight and wishing him sweet dreams, I relieved my mother so she could eat at the diner with a friend. Thankfully, the doctors allowed us to return to Hope Lodge with Grandma soon thereafter. After ensuring her comfort and sound sleep, I prepared to slip into my own slumber, hoping to have visions of Romeo's sugary lips dance around in my head.

As I slid between the sheets, Pamela sent an urgent text asking me to call her immediately. "Hola Mi Prima, Grandma is still fine," I greeted her," No need to worry so much this evening. Go to sleep." "Frankie it isn't that," said my partner in crime, "I know that you feel using Google to research men whom you date is a bit crazy, though I couldn't help it. I worry about you and I love you and I want you to be safe and happy...Frankie....I think there may be a Mrs. Romeo Jackson...I think that he is married." --Frankie

Happy New Year?

Well my New Year didn't go quite as planned.

I had been planning to tell Elizabeth about what happened with Xena at the Christmas party although I knew she wouldn't like it, but I with our schedules it was impossible to meet. We still talked on the phone every night, but I wanted to tell her in person. I still thought she should know and perhaps that maybe she might finally trust me.

So I met up with Cindy for a pep talk and dance at Henrietta Hudson's. No sooner did we enter then we bumped into Elizabeth's obnoxious friend Sarah. She was kind of like a lesbian version of Janice from friends. "Well this is kind of awkward. So how are you doing? I guess you haven't seen that much of Lizzy, heh?" she hinted after introductions.

"Heh? Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Well, I just met up with her and her ex-girlfriend last night. I think it's kind of crappy that she did that to you."

"What?Are you for real?" I said totally shocked.

"Huh? I mean I'm totally on your side and this. I think its shitty that she just went back to Anna like that. You must have been so hurt. But she said you were ok with it because you were bi-- and more into guys or something like that."

"Um. I'm not sure what you're saying. Elizabeth and I never broke up, but I guess it's over if what you're saying is true, " I said hurt and humiliated that Elizabeth didn't even have the decency to break up with me and shocked because just an hour ago she was telling me on the phone that she loved me. I felt duped.

"Oh shit. Oh shit. I thought well she did it already. Well it's ok if I mean you're into guys anyway right? Maybe not?"

"Um. So I'm looking for a man in a lesbian club?" I asked and raised an eyebrow.

"Er. Well. I've got to go," Sara said as she shoved past Cindy and ran out the door.

"What the fu..?" I started to say, but Cindy grabbed me and started dancing.

"Look at me. This is not a bad thing," she said.

"Uh. Yeah it is. My girlfriend is cheating on me?" I said.

"This...is an opportunity to figure out what you need and it might not be a girlfriend," Cindy continued. " You no longer have a girlfriend. Fuck her. Elizabeth is stupid and she wouldn't let you breathe."

"Well that's true," agreed and spun around to the Single Ladies Anthem.

"Tonight you get your revenge. There are plenty of pretty ladies here to play with and honestly you could have your pick," Cindy said smiling.

"I can't believe that Sarah. What the hell was she saying Like I have to define my sexual identity for her or for anyone but myself. Like who I sleep with defines me completely? I was Elizabeth's girlfriend, but it's ok for Elizabeth to break my heart because I might be straight or bi or a lesbian? What the hell is that?" I asked.

"Stupidity," Cindy answered and twirled me around to the music. "This is my remedy to shit like this. Tonight you are going to fuck someone's brains out. It will make you feel better. Always helps me."

"Cindy, for real I don't think that's what I need. I need to really think..."

"What? So you can dwell over shit and feel sorry for yourself. No way," Cindy said and turned me around so I was grinding up against some girl who had been grinding up against me.

The 'grinder', who was suprisingly very pretty turned around and said, "Do you know I haven't gotten one phone number tonight?"

"Really? Why not?" I asked.

"Well I'm kind of picky. But some numbers are worth waiting for," she said and danced closer in kind of a cheesy and sexy way. "And I've been waiting for yours, " she said in my ear suggestively

I almost burst out laughing simply because it was a pick up line and I wasn't used to getting them. I looked at Cindy and said, "You know, there's no time like the present, right?" - Ruby

Sensual Healing

Much has happened so quickly over the past four weeks that I have almost no words to describe this experience...almost.

Since Grandma's procedure to remove the mass, we have found that the cancer metastasized to the brain. This most recent discovery decreased her survival time line to approximately six months; though the doctors can't be certain. What we do know is that she will need further radiation treatment. We take her home to Staten Island for our Christmas celebration and her "My Birthday is on New Year's Eve" party.

Upon hearing the news, Cooper booked a ticket to New York; against my protest. I wanted to be his friend and now that I am vulnerable he was swooping in and attempting to win me again. And what did I do? I succumbed to his advances one evening after decorating the Christmas tree; don't ask, I guess I have a thing for shiny balls. So I will admit that I am not in the best state of mind...and...well...I slept with him. I know that it was wrong, and though I still made it clear (post-coitus) that we could not salvage what was once a great romance. I simply wanted that intimacy, warmth and tenderness, which I never found during that one night.

My mother is the devil's advocate and contributed to Cooper's cause, playing the part of delusional, dramatic matchmaker by approaching me on Christmas as we cleared the table (and Grandma enjoyed the company of our many holiday visitors) by initiating the following conversation:

Mother: "Frankie, I overheard you and Pamela whispering about Cooper. I heard that he contacted her while he was ring shopping."

Frankie: "Well mother, he will no longer be proposing. He knows that we are finished, as I have made it quite clear that I no longer want that with him."

Mother: "Why don't you simply marry him...so Grandma is able to see you married?"

Frankie: "Oh sure, MOM; why don't I go and marry him on a whim for Grandma and then once she is gone, am left alone with a husband who beats the shit out me?! Absolutely brilliant plan ladies and gentlemen; from the woman with the most successful trail of failed relationships! In fact, perhaps I should go ahead and propose to him; after all, time is a wastin'!"

Mother: "It wasn't that bad with him Frankie."

Frankie: [Stunned] "Oh yes, right; you act as though you were there. You are the only person I know who has the ability to know exactly what transpires without actually being present during a situation. Truly a talent. Furthermore, I think it is great that you feel she is being robbed of witnessing my milestones because she will miss my wedding; though she did attend my graduation from college; you know the first one from her side of the family to earn a college degree. Oh you remember, don't you? My education, which she financed after raising me?"

Mother: [Red with Anger] "...ASSHOLE!!" (which I interpreted as "...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!")

I could have sworn that only days prior she tried to convince me to call Dr. Feelgood...and...I did just that only a few days after his visit to Grandma's hospital room and only after our departure. I needed a sweet escape. He took me out dancing one evening and after a slice of cheesecake at Soup n Burg at four in the morning, convinced me to sleepover and waking me the next morning with a warm, "Good morning Sunshine." Though I slept with him in his bed, we did not have sex and it was while tucked in his bed and wrapped in his arms...it was there where I finally found intimacy, warmth, and tenderness.

I sent Cooper packing and am now living at Hope Lodge with Mom and Grandma. Though it is a cancer hotel, Grandma feels like she is on holiday; which I think is fine. Her happiness is my priority. Ruby stopped in for a visit bringing Grandma's favorite--linzer tarts--and a New York Times (I have not a clue about what is going on in the world at this point; John Howard over Barack Obama? Really?). I pulled her aside to make tea and brought her up to speed. I began seeing Dr. Feelgood, who understands the difficulty up ahead; how could he not? He did work on Grandma's case. Ruby looks at me strangely. "What?", I ask. "I worry about you", she replies, "He sounds wonderful and you seem to be finding comfort in the time you are spending with him, though not everyone is as compassionate as you may think or want to believe; especially considering your vulnerability right now. Please be careful, Chiquita." I breathe in deeply, close my eyes and exhale my reply, "Yes, I know".

Grandma's laughter echoes from where she sits by the window and I breathe it in...at that moment my cell phone vibrates with a text message from Romeo, "Goodnight, Sugar." Sugar and Sunshine--how sweet it is. - Frankie

Under the mistletoe with the new girl

There's nothing like the holidays to stir up a little drama, and nothing quite like a holiday party to top it off.

Elizabeth and I were still seeing each other, but less and less. Work had become overwhelming, frankly. My publication had laid off several employees and I was doing three times the work. Our company party had been down scaled to the office. My boss had recruited me and a few other employees to move aside several desks and set up the the dance floor, food and beverage area with the promise that we would get an early start on the partying (aka wine).

I was moving aside a desk when my phone started to ring. It was the fifth call from Elizabeth that day. I hadn't invited Elizabeth to our company party with me and similarly she hadn't invited me to hers. We were still too new and neither one of us wanted to be "outed" in our place of work.

"Hey baby," I answered.

"Hi. I missed you. I thought I would call to see how you were," she said. For the past few weeks I kept reassuring Elizabeth that I was not dating anyone else, but all of her questions seemed suspicious. I was beginning to wonder if she wasn't cheating on me with someone else and projecting it.

"I'm a bit busy. Can I call you back later?" I said as I shoved aside the desk.

"Why? Who is there with you? What are you doing?"

"Um. I'm at work. Moving desks for the company party. Do you want a play-by-play? Listen I got to go. I'll call you later. Ok sweetie?"

"Oh, that's right. OK. Later then. Whatever. " she said. "Hot date?"

"God," I sighed."Listen, I'm not cheating on you. I'm at my company party. I will see you later."

"Baby. I love you," Elizabeth pleaded. "You're mine. You know that right?"

"Yes. Bye baby." I hung up and groaned softly.

"Here. This will cure your ails," an unfamiliar voice from behind me said.

I turned around and came face to face with a beautiful woman holding garland and a glass of wine. "Someone is not in the holiday spirit," she said.

"Thanks," I replied startled.

This beautiful woman was new on our sales team (even though our company had recently laid off employees, she was hired before our board had decided) and was a load of fun. I couldn't believe that I had never met her before. We were just about the same age.

We had just finished doing the YMCA and had finished watching my manager embarrass himself when sales girl started pulling me toward an office. "Hey come in here with me," she prodded.

"What's up?" I laughed in my tipsiness.

She dangled a mistletoe above my head and giggled. Then kissed me. Really kissed me.

"What? Wait, wait. You have a boyfriend!" I said. "And I...."

"Shhhhhhhhh." She covered my lips with her finger and looked into my eyes. Those big blue eyes. Her one hand was sliding slowly back and fourth up my thigh and then higher up my skirt. Her other hand had me pinned up against the office wall. She was breathing close up against my neck.

"Have you ever kissed a girl? This isn't like me," she whispered. "But I'm extremely into you. There's just something..."

"I'm with someone," I answered and smiled."Besides what on earth would you want with me?"

She pushed me against the wall harder and her hands.... Well, you can guess where they were and what they were up to. "I'm not sure, but I do. I do," she said.

"Ok there, Xena Warrior Princess, but I'm not that easy or that drunk, " I laughed and pushed her back, even though more than a part of me just wanted her to keep on going. "Take it easy. We work together! Let's go out and enjoy the rest of the party. I need a dance partner and they are playing our song."

I grabbed my seductress sales girl's hands and led her back to the dance floor. - Ruby