When you play with fire...

Kerry and I arrived at Cherry Grove in Fire Island Sat. afternoon. Kerry let me decide where we should spend Memorial Day weekend, and I chose Fire Island because if I had any chance with Kerry (if she was the slightest bit interested at all) I figured it would be where homosexuality was openly accepted.

We dropped our bags off at the Grove Hotel and headed out to the beach in our bikinis. I had packed a picnic in a backpack and laid it out on a blanket on the sand. Two sandwiches, Sun Chips and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We stretched out in the sun, laughed and chatted.

At one point I was laying down on my side. Kerry reached over and put her hand on my cheek. She pushed me over onto my back and leaned forward over me. so she was looking into my eyes directly. They were like heavy and anxious, waves before a storm. I couldn't help it. She was too serious. I laughed and started to tickle her. She fell on top of me in hysterical laughter. "Ruby," Kerry started to explain and backed up after she caught her breath." I want to. I really do. I just don't know if I can. I... "

"I'm not asking you to do anything you don't want to do," I interrupted, laughing still. "Besides have fun, and I know that's just about impossible to do with me."

"That's not the problem," she said and smiled one of those smiles that just lit me up inside.

Later that night we went out to the bar across the hotel pool where there was a DJ playing music. We were dancing and singing Katie Perry when two girls came up to us at the bar.

"Hey ladies. Lovely evening," an attractive but a bit intimidating butch said, "You with her?" she continued as she nodded toward Kerry.

"No," I answered.

"Yes," Kerry answered at the same time and threw her arm around my waist. "What do you mean no? How long has it been honey? Six months?"

"Um. Well I'll let you work that out," the butch said laughing and left. Kerry glared at me. " Don't you ever do that again," she said.

"Do what?" I asked.

"Leave me hanging like that," Kerry fixing her bikini top and the sweatshirt she had over it.

"Whatever," I said. "I wanna dance."

We were both pretty drunk by this point. Lady Gaga's Poker Face was on, the bar was thumping and Kerry's hands were on my waist and back. My hands were around her waist and one was on her butt. I wanted her. I could feel her breath on my face. She ran her hand across my breasts either purposely or accidentally (I couldn't tell which). My lips were on her neck. I went to kiss her neck, but she turned away and two other girls from the crowd came up to us and started dancing with us.

One of the girls was grinding against Kerry's back and groping her from behind. Kerry didn't seem to mind and then saw me in front of her dancing with another girl, not as flirtatiously. It was like she had been launched out of a catapult. She was across the floor in an instant with her arms around my shoulder and waist, clinging to me. Her skin was soft and sweaty. "I want to go back to the room," she whispered.

So we did. Kerry went to the bathroom for a very long time, so I changed into my pjs and hopped into one of two beds we had in the room and turned on the TV. When Kerry returned from the bathroom she hopped in the other bed and fell asleep fast. Too fast it seemed. I got out of bed and laid down next to her. She didn't budge. When I woke up. She was already on the beach.

At breakfast I confronted her. "I've been thinking and I'd like to be with you," I said. "I want to be with you too," Kerry said. "But I don't think I can do the lesbian thing and you are such a great friend. I don't want to blow that. Can't we just leave things as they are?"

I felt hurt and betrayed. How could I tell Kerry that I couldn't be another minute around her wanting to kiss her? It was driving me crazy. I couldn't even look at other girls because I felt like I was committed to Kerry. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to her. "You either want to be with me or you don't. It's just that simple," I stated with gritted teeth.

"Then I guess I don't," she retorted. "Even if I were to sleep with a girl it'd probably be with someone hotter than you."

"Fine, glad we got that ironed out," I said shocked and hurt. We took the next ferry back and drove home, but mostly in silence. I couldn't concentrate. I felt tortured. I felt hurt and heartbroken too. I felt duped and most of all disapointed. Kerry has called me every day since then; several times. I haven't called her back yet though. I don't know if I will. - Ruby