Sensual Healing

Much has happened so quickly over the past four weeks that I have almost no words to describe this experience...almost.

Since Grandma's procedure to remove the mass, we have found that the cancer metastasized to the brain. This most recent discovery decreased her survival time line to approximately six months; though the doctors can't be certain. What we do know is that she will need further radiation treatment. We take her home to Staten Island for our Christmas celebration and her "My Birthday is on New Year's Eve" party.

Upon hearing the news, Cooper booked a ticket to New York; against my protest. I wanted to be his friend and now that I am vulnerable he was swooping in and attempting to win me again. And what did I do? I succumbed to his advances one evening after decorating the Christmas tree; don't ask, I guess I have a thing for shiny balls. So I will admit that I am not in the best state of mind...and...well...I slept with him. I know that it was wrong, and though I still made it clear (post-coitus) that we could not salvage what was once a great romance. I simply wanted that intimacy, warmth and tenderness, which I never found during that one night.

My mother is the devil's advocate and contributed to Cooper's cause, playing the part of delusional, dramatic matchmaker by approaching me on Christmas as we cleared the table (and Grandma enjoyed the company of our many holiday visitors) by initiating the following conversation:

Mother: "Frankie, I overheard you and Pamela whispering about Cooper. I heard that he contacted her while he was ring shopping."

Frankie: "Well mother, he will no longer be proposing. He knows that we are finished, as I have made it quite clear that I no longer want that with him."

Mother: "Why don't you simply marry him...so Grandma is able to see you married?"

Frankie: "Oh sure, MOM; why don't I go and marry him on a whim for Grandma and then once she is gone, am left alone with a husband who beats the shit out me?! Absolutely brilliant plan ladies and gentlemen; from the woman with the most successful trail of failed relationships! In fact, perhaps I should go ahead and propose to him; after all, time is a wastin'!"

Mother: "It wasn't that bad with him Frankie."

Frankie: [Stunned] "Oh yes, right; you act as though you were there. You are the only person I know who has the ability to know exactly what transpires without actually being present during a situation. Truly a talent. Furthermore, I think it is great that you feel she is being robbed of witnessing my milestones because she will miss my wedding; though she did attend my graduation from college; you know the first one from her side of the family to earn a college degree. Oh you remember, don't you? My education, which she financed after raising me?"

Mother: [Red with Anger] "...ASSHOLE!!" (which I interpreted as "...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!")

I could have sworn that only days prior she tried to convince me to call Dr. Feelgood...and...I did just that only a few days after his visit to Grandma's hospital room and only after our departure. I needed a sweet escape. He took me out dancing one evening and after a slice of cheesecake at Soup n Burg at four in the morning, convinced me to sleepover and waking me the next morning with a warm, "Good morning Sunshine." Though I slept with him in his bed, we did not have sex and it was while tucked in his bed and wrapped in his arms...it was there where I finally found intimacy, warmth, and tenderness.

I sent Cooper packing and am now living at Hope Lodge with Mom and Grandma. Though it is a cancer hotel, Grandma feels like she is on holiday; which I think is fine. Her happiness is my priority. Ruby stopped in for a visit bringing Grandma's favorite--linzer tarts--and a New York Times (I have not a clue about what is going on in the world at this point; John Howard over Barack Obama? Really?). I pulled her aside to make tea and brought her up to speed. I began seeing Dr. Feelgood, who understands the difficulty up ahead; how could he not? He did work on Grandma's case. Ruby looks at me strangely. "What?", I ask. "I worry about you", she replies, "He sounds wonderful and you seem to be finding comfort in the time you are spending with him, though not everyone is as compassionate as you may think or want to believe; especially considering your vulnerability right now. Please be careful, Chiquita." I breathe in deeply, close my eyes and exhale my reply, "Yes, I know".

Grandma's laughter echoes from where she sits by the window and I breathe it in...at that moment my cell phone vibrates with a text message from Romeo, "Goodnight, Sugar." Sugar and Sunshine--how sweet it is. - Frankie