First of all, you might be thinking, well she's bi-sexual so it's no wonder she's confused because she can't figure out her own sexuality. In reality, that's not the whole story. At least from my perspective. Mind you, Kerry and I always have a great time together because we are great friends, but our situation together is getting more confusing now that Country Club is out of the picture; for obvious reasons starting with my liquor cabinet and ending with the contortions (mentally and physically) I put myself into over Kerry.
Yes, I have a crush on Kerry. A big one. In fact, I really am in love with her. BUT I didn't sleep with Kerry while she was in my bed. I didn't do anything, except well maybe pine and hope a bit that she would sober up enough to realize how great I'd be for her. However, she wound up stumbling out of bed and threw up all over my floor the next morning. So needless to say that's not exactly what I had planned.
So for the past couple weeks I've been trying to figure out exactly what Kerry and I have. Is it a friendship or is it something more? I haven't come up with much but here it is.
Con-relationship
- Kerry is straight.
- She dates men
- She has sex with men
- She says she can never be with a woman
- She doesn't kiss me
- She doesn't make any moves on me
- She flirts with guys
Pro-relationship
- She's never been with a girl, but she was openly distraught when I started seeing Country Club
- She gives me free, private yoga lessons
- She practically lives at my apt
- She does my laundry
- She buys me clothing
- She reads my journal
- We talk openly about everything
- She talks about " us" when referring to plans with friends
- We plan dinner dates every week
- She gets jealous of men or women that I talk to
- She wants to go on vacation with me
- She does not like it when I talk t0 other men or women in bars
O.K. well you might be wondering about the last one and why my Pro's are starting to outweigh the cons besides the fact that I'm biased. (Those cons are pretty heavy by the way). You might wonder why it sounds like we are in a relationship, but not having sex. I am too.
So we went to The Galway Hooker. Kerry bought me a beer and we started talking about work when this guy came up to us who wasn't half- bad looking.
"So ladies, do you live in the city?" he asked, which meant he was a tourist, of course.
"Actually," Kerry started, "I'm a missionary from South Africa and I'm here to visit an old friend," she finished.
"For real," inquired Sir Gullible.
"Yes," I confirmed. "Absolutely," and took a drink of my beer.
By the end of the night Sir Gullible was speaking quite closely to Kerry, and I was speaking quite closely to some random man half my age, whom I will refer to as Dude. When Dude tried to buy me a drink, twenty or so minutes after Sir Gullible bought both of us one, Kerry decided it was time to go. "Thanks, but I think we've had enough," she said and gave me a look that meant, 'You are in trouble.' Mind you, I had had two beers, and it doesn't take much, but she was really overreacting. She grabbed my hand, pulled me off the stool and started toward the door with me.
"Why?" asked Sir Gullible as he chased Kerry dragging me away through the crowd. He then attempted to kiss her goodnight.
As he tried to kiss her, Dude ran up in front of me even though I wasn't going to impede on Kerry's opportunity to meet available men. (I had pretty much resigned myself to the role of the friend at this point; even though I was unhappy about it.) So, Dude tried to kiss me goodnight. I thought, well, I've been chatting with him and no one else is going to kiss me tonight so why the hell not? It doesn't matter anyway. Does it? Apparently, it did.
Kerry didn't kiss Sir Gullible, but stared at me while I gave a brief kiss to Dude in the bar. She grabbed my hair and yanked me out of the bar, "What are you doing?!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?!" I yelled back, startled.
We both stared at each other silently and confused for a minute as we walked in silence toward the subway.
"We need to plan that vacation together," Kerry said and walked up toward me.
"Oh, well, do you think that will help?" I asked defensively.
"That might clarify some things," she said. "Yes, I think. It would be good if we had some time alone together."
"O.K. so let's do it," I answered.
Kerry and I went back to my place. She fell asleep in my bed. I couldn't sleep. I was too wound up and sexually frustrated. I sat down in the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine with Frankie.
"I'm going to burst. I wish she would stop sending me all of these mixed messages," I said. "I just really wish I could be with her."
"I hate to say it girl, but in the end, you lose," Frankie said while raising her wine glass. "Kerry is straight. I think she wants to be with you, but she just can't. Honestly, I don't know why. I can see she really, sincerely, loves you. And I know you can't be everything you want to be to her even though I bet you love her. But, here's to you and Kerry anyway...and the others who will follow in both of your lives ." - Ruby
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