Let Sleeping Ex-Girlfriends Lie

It happened. It's over. She is gone. My true love and best friend. This house is filled with people, though it feels so empty. I know they are family and mean well (some of them anyway), though they don't understand, as they are not me nor are they my grandmother. They were never in this situation falling within the dynamic of our relationship. In the midst of this bizarre whirlwind, I realize that I am left to finish raising Frannie...a woman, who at 52 is unable to figure out which is the routing number on her checks--yes, really.

I held it together through the entire process; didn't cry once, simply don't feel like anyone deserves to see it. Family is one thing, though my friends are the greatest; Nigella, Ruby, Sasha, Alexis; even Kim made it out from Arizona for our Irish wake. Thank goodness for Pamela who embodies the best qualities of both friend and family; she arrived one hour after the passing and has stayed around watching and helping me. Ruby and I discussed what I had been missing in the neighborhood and her latest kind-of-love-triangle.

"Kerry is extremely pretty and you seem to be perfectly matched mentally," I reassured Ruby,"though the powers that be, and by The Powers, I mean Cindy, feel she is straight. Sorry Chiquita, I am certainly not able to judge; unless I am out with you at Henrietta's, if a woman makes a pass at me and I simply think she wants to go shopping or have a day at the spa. I am totally oblivious to female advances."

"Oh please Frankie", Pamela interjected ,"you're oblivious when anyone hits on you. Ruby, I take this girl out down to Jenk's, which is a friggin' meat market, during the summer and she never notices when anyone makes a move...it's actually entertaining to watch. In my opinion, Ruby, you should ask Kerry what her intentions are, because if she is anything like this one here (gesturing and rolling her eyes toward me), then you will be stuck on your sofa folding her new boyfriend's boxer briefs."

"Hey I resent that!", laughing as I poured another Hennessy neat. Uncle Danny answered the ringing telephone as we girls continued laughing reminiscing in Grandma's kitchen; trips to Grandma's sister, Annie's house in New Jersey where Pamela, her sister Lynnie and I would play in the backyard for hours or planting tulip bulbs and wax begonias to complement the daffodils; so many great memories. ..

"Hey, Frankie, phone for you," he called.

"Who is it?", I asked

"Dunno," he replied, "some guy", and he returned to the family room to join the others.

I swallowed the lump in my throat; would that dick really have the nerve to call me now? I text him earlier to tell him the news, not knowing if he would hear it from a superior nor if he would care, though still couldn't bring myself to call him when he asked. My comrades fell silent, all eyes on me as I rose and walked toward the waiting receiver.

"Hello?", I asked rather than greeted.

"Frankie? Oh Frankie, Bunny Baby, it's really you...I missed your voice...all I've wanted is to speak with you...I need you...I love you...", said the voice on the other end.

"Ralph??", I suddenly felt sick, and my friends mouths dropped perfectly in sync. "Oh Frankie, I need you please can we just talk for five minutes...I love you....I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU FRANKIE."

"Do you even know what is going on here?? Do you even give a fuck???? No of course you don't...you're probably still coked up from five years ago, aren't you?", I asked, "My grandmother just fuckin' died and you call her house during her wake asking a favor of me?!?! I despise you, never want to hear from you again...why can't you just leave me alone?? Don't go away mad boy, just go away."

"Frankie, I changed, I swear on my mutha's eyes...OK fine, I am a lil' whacked right now...but really, I changed," he pleaded, "I have a great job now and things have changed. I'm doin' good, real good."

I had to rid myself of this flea...he is the most annoying little insect, that I have ever encountered...like a cockroach, he just will not die! This was a risk, though I had to try it; no other method was successful in keeping him away. So, this happened before Ralph and I dated, and it was only one kiss, though perhaps a little embellishment on the truth would make him leave me alone. He and his older brother John (or Johnny Boy) were always in competition and Ralph's envy could be my best weapon.

With the girls watching, not knowing what to do, I chugged the remaining Henny from my glass and breathed into the receiver, "Ralph, I can't take you back...not after discovering Johnny Boy is such a better screw with much better equipment. In fact, if you see him please pass along my number. Thanks a bunch! Ciao!"

--Frankie