Dropping the bomb

"I think I'm in love with you," I said. There it was. The bomb dropped. Now comes the mushroom cloud.

After weeks of fantasizing about kissing and being with Kerry; and struggling with myself over the situation, I was confessing my love to her. It should have been simple. I should have felt good, relieved, scared, nervous, excited; and instead I felt like I was betraying myself, Kerry and my boyfriend.

Yes, I had a boyfriend. It had all happened too fast....

After our first night together I thought I should end things with Country Club. I knew I had feelings for Kerry. The only problem was Country Club was too perfect. I really liked him, and for a first time in a long time I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could be in a 'normal' relationship. In other words-- be with a man. I could be straight again. So I thought, I would see where this went.

At Yoga, the day after Country Club and my first night together, Kerry pulled me aside after class. "Soooo. You're glowing, I believe. Are you and Country Club serious?" she asked.

"Define, serious," I said, shrugged and rubbed my shoulder,which was aching. "I dunno. I really dunno. I like him, but would we work out in the long-term? I dunno."

"Follow me," Kerry ordered, grabbing my arm, and started walking hand in hand with me toward the locker room. "It's too soon to be thinking about the long term."

"I know. I feel like he is very serious about this though. He was all lovey-dovey this morning. I'm not sure I want to rush into anything with him," I admitted.

"Hmmm. He's more smitten with you, then you with him. Then don't. When are you supposed to see him next?" she asked and opened her locker.

I opened my locker. I grabbed my towel and flip flops and threw them on the bench behind me. "Tonight. You know I like him, but I don't know if I need him in my life. That sounds well, mean. Doesn't it? I mean I'm still at square one, trying to figure out if this is what I want."

Kerry peeled off her shirt and her shorts and tugged at my shirt. " Off," she smiled coyly as I stripped down to my bra and undies. "Then tell him you don't want to rush in. Be straight forward. He's supposed to have balls. And he can't read your mind, you know."

"Thank God," I said softly."Sauna?"

"Now," Kerry smiled taking off every last piece of clothing she had on. She wrapped a towel around her. Her body was flawless. "Are you coming?"

"Yeah, um, be there in a minute." I wrapped the towel around me and started slipping off my undies without exposing myself.

"You look ridiculous. You are so not modest, Ruby. Stop pretending. Just take it off. Take it off. Take it off." Kerry said. "Come on, hurry up or I'm going to have to pull those..."

"They are off so don't get your tits all twisted, sista'." I said slamming my locker shut. "You just want to see the goods. Can't say I blame ya."

"Oh yeah. Gimme a peak at those," Kerry said and pretended to peak down at my boobs in the towel.

"Back off, baby," I said walking past her toward the sauna.

"I love it when you play hard to get," she teased.

That night, Country Club had me over his place and cooked dinner for me. He had cooked chicken fajitas-- mostly because we both loved sloppy foods --and he had tons of guacamole, which is just about my favorite food besides Ben & Jerry's.

"So I really like you a lot Ruby and I want to get to know you better. I know you aren't seeing anyone else now and I'd like to keep it that way. I was thinking of maybe asking you," started Country Club. "to be my girlfriend.

"Oh. Wow," I swallowed. "Um. Isn't it too fast?"

"No. Ruby. I really think. I know this is going to sound crazy and the last thing I want to do is scare you off, but I really think I'm falling for you. You're just amazing," he said."I know its greedy, but I want you all to myself and I want to do this right. I think you could be The One."

I turned red and for a second I considered running for the door. "Wow. Um. Yes," I heard myself say. Did I just say that? This is what most girls dream of right? A handsome man asks you to be his girlfriend because he thinks you are it. The one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And when I sleep with him I fantasize about a woman. Shit. Of course I said yes, I thought. Kerry is straight. There is no chance. I might as well be happy and Country Club tries to make me happy.

That night Country Club and I made love and I tried my best to keep Kerry out of my thoughts.

Kerry came over for dinner the next day. We had decided to cook dinner for a bunch of Frankie and my friends in an effort to cheer Frankie up after her grandmother's death.

The water was almost to a full boil and we were cracking out the spaghetti when the B-Word came up.

"Boyfriend?" Kerry asked, looking crushed. "Boyfriend?! I...I'll be back...I have to pee."

I was confused. This wasn't the reaction I expected from Kerry. I threw the spaghetti in the pot, and then walked into my room where Kerry was reading my poetry journal.

"Who are these about?" she asked and sat on the bed.

I walked over and sat down next to Kerry. "Those I wrote when I was with Elizabeth," I answered. "Do you ever miss her? Those are the most recent poems?"

"Yeah. I really haven't been writing poems all that much lately and yes, sometimes I do miss her"

"God, you should write more often. They are beautiful," she said and hugged me.

"Ruby, I'm happy for you. I really am," Kerry said still hugging me. "It's just I thought you wanted something else."

"What?" I asked petrified. Maybe Kerry was interested in me after all?

"I mean I thought you wanted to slow down. I thought that you weren't looking for anything serious," Kerry said. "I guess I was wrong."

"Oh. Well...yeah. Fuck," I answered. "It wasn't in my plans."

"Ruby, do you see yourself with a man or a woman in the future?" Kerry asked. She was extremely close. I could feel her breath was on my cheek. All I wanted to do was hold her and kiss her --and most of all tell her that I just wanted to be with her.

"I dunno. I really don't...I see myself with just someone I know I love regardless of gender." Before I knew what I was doing I brushed her hair aside and leaned in to kiss her. She turned her head so I hit her just to the side of the mouth.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I think I'm in love with you."- Ruby