Shy or Sly?

My date with Silvi had been, well, a bit more than a date and not quite what I was used to, but it was one of the better speed dating dates. Yet, the good thing was that Silvi was also speed dating several girls from Henrietta speed dating and so why I.

My next and final date was with Shy Girl. My last date (the date I was looking forward to the most)with Cloe had been canceled. Shy Girl and I went to the Rocking Horse Cafe --far away from Henriettas. ( I really didn't want to talk to Stalker girl, again. She had called me at least three times today. )

Shy girl and I had a few things in common and I really liked speaking to her over some margaritas and tacos. She seemed shy, but I also felt like she might be putting me on. The only thing was that she kept talking about her non-experiences with girls.

"I really like girls, and you know, I've been with girls you know, but I've never had a girlfriend," she explained. "I really want one someday. My best friend is a lesbian so I think it runs in the family."

Shy girl had had a boyfriend and was apparently very sick of dating men.

"There's something so different about dating a woman," she said.

"Really?" I disagreed. "It's really just the same," I said. "The only difference is that women want to communicate all the time and over analyze things, whereas men don't really listen to what you are saying half of the time."

"I guess, that's true," she said. "But don't you feel like there is more emotional attachment with women?"

"Yes, that is true," I said. "I guess that is where I was kind of going to."

I liked her train of through and the conversation flowed. She was cute and, well, kind of quirky. But at the end of the date I leaned in to give her a kiss goodnight and she shook my hand. Abruptly and embarrassed I shook her hand. "Good Night," she said and headed off toward the subway.

No kiss, I thought. That was weird. I thought it had been going well. Why did I just get a hand shake?

I called Jane who was on a date with one of the other girls from the speed dating to see what she thought. But she was otherwise occupied. Cindy, my sage for advice when it comes to all things lesbian, notified me by text that she was probably straight.

"She's probably just curious. Nothing more," Cindy said. "You have this amazing ability to attract curious straight girls. But you will find out at the party if she is or not."

Cindy and I were holding a New Years Eve party at her place and we had invited all of the women from speed dating. We figured everyone would pair up. All of them could come, including Cloe. It would definately make an interesting evening.- Ruby

10 Essential iPhone Apps to Avoid Dating Disasters

Yes, Mashable is dishing us on this one. I could have used this one a long time ago...10 Essential iPhone Apps to Avoid Dating Disasters.

Smoke Warnings

So as things with Frankie and Josh started to heat up, my dating life was starting to spark up again as well, thanks to speed dating.

Dates one and two were disastrous. Stalker kept calling me and I kept having nightmares about celebrity sex. D-celebrity sex. Unfortunately, the celebrities in my dreams were not hot and I woke up screaming. (Come on, you would wake up screaming too if you dreamed you were boffing Sarah Palin! Not that she's completely unattractive (Helloooo Tina Fey!), but mentally, I find Palin quite scary.)

Fortunately, my next date looked nothing like the Maverick in my dreams. She was a cool blond with a passion for art. Her name was Silvi and she wasn't just pretty-- she was hot. She wasn't much of a conversationalist, and that was Okay. She didn't seem interested in speaking with me-- even though I tried to have conversation with her- and I can't say that I was really interested in having a conversation with her. The chemistry worked for us and so for the first half an hour of our date we spent it making out in the back of Henrietta's. Well, that was until Stalker showed up.

"Oh, sure, well that's typical. Hey, you! Remember me! So, is this your regular routine?"

I winced and looked up at Silvi who was lip-locked with me. Silvi looked at me kind of shocked, and laughed. "I'm sorry. I said, but I'm here with someone else," I said and turned around.

"Yes, she's busy now. Scram," Silvi said, still laughing.

"Well, Honey," said Stalker. "I'm just saying she did this with me earlier this week."

"Oh please," I retorted. "You bit my face off."

"She wouldn't be sucking my face if she was the least bit interested with you," Silvi said.

"No, she wants me," said Stalker. "She's just too proud to admit it. She sees your hot ass and knows it's up for grabs," Stalker continued. "You're just another pretty face. She won't call you next week."

"I'm OK with her wanting my hot ass," Silvi said laughing. "If she calls next week, great. If not, I've got other prospects."

"Hey, hey. I've made no promises. I said in between the two of them. I've been honest. I am doing the speed dating thing," I said guiltily. "I'm not committing to a relationship."

"I have no complaints," Silivi said and smiled at me suggestively. "Who wants a relationship?"

"Well, when you realize I am the one for you it might be too late, " said Stalker as she stamped away.

"I'm willing to take my chances," I said.

Silvi and and I wound up back at her apartment after the stalker episode. She was wild, but afterwards we lay in bed not knowing what to do next. She started sketching on a notepad and I tried to talk about the new theory circulating about why Van Gogh cut off part of his ear.

"He had to be really depressed," Silvi responded and reached in her bag, "There are times, I'd like to chop off a finger or something I feel so sad," she continued. "But not now. You know?"

"Actually, I've never wanted to really cause myself physical harm like that," I said.

"Well, I think it's deep. I've, like tried to commit suicide four times, but I gave up after awhile," Silvi said.

"Oh, why would you do that?" I said trying not to sound upset.

"Oh, I dunno," Silvi said. "I was board, I think. And my girlfriend dumped me." Silvi lit up a joint and gestured to me.

"Uh huh...No thanks. I don't smoke." I wasn't quite sure how to respond.

"Smoke is so pretty. I wish I could frame it or something," she said. "It looks so alive, but dead, you know? It's inspiring"

I just nodded. I had no idea what she was talking about.

So," said Silvi. "I have another speed date thing tomorrow, but want to hang out later this week?" - Ruby

Shorely Sick

I am sick. No not sick of dating. Not sick of work. I have the worst upper respiratory infection that I have ever had in my life. I think the last time I was this sick was when I quit smoking a few years ago. I am sick of being sick!

Josh wanted to go out, though I turned him down via text, as I thought my masculine voice would completely scare him away, long after I had recovered. Ruby had been working late and going out most nights. Nigella was ill with the same affliction, therefore decided to stay with me and have a sickly slumber party. Hey, misery does love company especially when company brings Duane Reade Grande Chunk cookies!

Staying home stinks. Not only will I not be paid for these two days off from work, as I am only a temporary employee still, though my entertainment options are extremely limited. My codeine cough syrup will not allow me to concentrate when attempting to read or absorb any substantial or educational programming, therefore I will not make an effort. My afternoons have been filled with Ellen, NY1, and commercials trying to convince me to send my unwanted gold jewelry to a place where it will be melted down. And my evenings...why Jersey Shore Baby!

This show has been receiving quite a bit of heat lately regarding its misrepresentation of Italian-Americans. I would never defend it as profound television programming or an accurate picture of Italian-Americans or New Jersey. It is, however, an accurate depiction of my favorite place...Staten Island. Three of the eight cast members hail from the landfill and, as a former resident, I am able to confirm that they represent the Island culture. This phenomenon, though most likened to guido culture, transcends cultural boundaries on the Island. Not only those who hail from Italian lineage, though also Filipino, Irish, Korean, Pakistani, Trinidadian, etc. embrace this culture. I understand that on Jersey Shore, much focus is given to the Italian flag, the act of making sauce (or gravy), and many other elements which are deemed Italian-American, though when actually living among them, I realized that guidos and guidettes are not necessarily Italian.

It has also caused quite a stir regarding their displayed or implied violence against women.

"What is the big deal?," asked Nigella, "it's a serious issue, though the only way serious issues may be tackled is if they gain notoriety. I am sure after seeing that idiot hauled away in hand cuffs more than a few men reexamined their behavior toward the women in their lives."

I agreed, "The public acts like it was much better to see Rihanna's beaten face rather than one punch in the face by some asshole. When I first saw Rihanna swollen, I truly thought it was a corpse; she was unrecognizable as a live human."

"The show is simply simple entertainment", continuted Nigella. "Some people, like you My Dear Frankie, are survivors who have defected from Staten Island or those who dream of defecting one day and revel in the mockery of that environment which you despise."

I reminded her, " Yes, Nigella, though others, live and breathe (without gagging) the Island life every day and partake in dating rituals such as kissing (as Pauly D would say "...with tha tongue...) multiple like minded party goers and then weighing their options before deciding who to take home and or taking body shots from tanned, hair gelled, pieces of...well...you know. Oh wait; isn't this what the New York City dating scene is like sans tanning beds and hair gel?"

"Hey Frankie check this out", Nigella pulled up a page on my laptop. "Even SNL's latest satire of Staten Island took place after the the premiere of Jersey Shore; coincidence?"

"Eh, probably, though again, great entertainment", I replied, laughing.

What makes Jersey Shore great is that is is not supposed to be taken seriously. If we could, for one moment stop being so sensitive, perhaps we could recognize the humor of such satire and appreciate the effort of MTV to address and take responsibility for the few serious issues which have arisen. One thing I do hope is that MTV chooses a new location for next season. Perhaps they will choose a little New Jersey Shore town called...Wildwood. As survivors of New York suburbs and summer weekends at the Jersey Shore Nigella and I agree: Point Pleasant may not be as classy as Seaside, though will be much more entertaining. --Frankie

Pizza and Politics

While Ruby contemplated her next move after doubling down and unwittingly competing against a [still nameless] musician, Josh and I decided to get together on Thursday. I have been on a pizza kick lately and Josh agreed to take me to Patsy's on University.

We had some wine and an enormous pie, though this is New York and it was Patsy's pizza. As we left Patsy's and walked home along the west side of Union Square Park where the holiday market is now in place, Josh asked a strange question. "So do you have plans for the rest of the evening?", he wondered. It was a strange question and I wondered if he was having a bad time.

"I know it's only 9:30 on a work night. I don't know...perhaps take it slowly. Go home get ready for tomorrow." This was lame, what the hell? Was it me?

"Oh...well...I didn't mean that I wanted to end the date, but, OK...this is lame [seems like he and I were on the same page at this point]. I want to watch The Daily Show and ..." I interrupted Josh and said, "Oh, well that isn't lame...I am going to wind up watching it as well; followed by The Colbert Report". Josh looked surprised, "Really? You're interested in that type of thing?", he asked.

I laughed, "Uh, news? Current events? Laughing? Why yes, I am an incredibly huge fan of laughing", I joked. Seemingly amazed that I didn't want to watch reruns of Desperate Housewives, Josh invited me over to hang out, drink wine, and watch Jon Stewart's commentary on New York's failure to pass legislation allowing gay marriage (seriously? Who do we think we are? California?), the Denialism of Michael Specter (No, couldn't be), and Switzerland's new found bias (isn't that an oxymoron?).

We started making out before Stephen Colbert could ....

Things heated up and then slowed down. We began to fall asleep and Josh asked if I wanted to stay over. "Yes", I replied, "though I am not having sex with you. Josh, don't even try it" (yes, really I said it). He laughed, "Don't worry, that's fine. Make yourself comfortable", as he grabbed a pair of boxers for me.

I fell asleep on his chest and slept through the night until my alarm went sounded at 7:30 the next morning. --Frankie

Don't pull a Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods, what have you done? Did you not take away anything from the millions of failed affairs out there? You were at the top of your game and you let dating ruin your life. You are officially a dating disaster! Running around with Jamie Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel, while married to Elin Nordegren had to have been complicated enough. If only you hadn't smashed your car or cheated on your wife, the tabloids might not have picked it apart. Sign along with this slow jam to Tiger below. - Ruby

Does double booking double your pleasure?

Dating friends is usually a bad idea and falling for them is incredibly stupid (um just look at me and Kerry). I seriously doubted that Frankie would prove my theory wrong with Josh (aka as the best guy to grab a beer with, discuss comics with and continuously debate the best superpowers one could possibly inherit). But, come on, date Josh?

Meanwhile, back in lala lan,d bumping into Kerry had sprung up my past fantasies about Kerry. How bad is that? Not only did I come back to the hospital in the next morning to be greeted by her kissing her boyfriend, but she seemed intent on me leaving as soon as possible. So I thought, "Fuck you and your untouchable face," and recalled that luckily I had downloaded Ani DiFranco onto my iPod. I put the song, "Untouchable Face" on repeat for the subway ride home.

I then started to get ready for my dates. Yes, plural, dates. I had seven dates this week. All from speed daing. I double booked dates for this one night. I know it's rude, but I met these girls speed dating and frankly, I wasn't sure what to expect. I decided that I would line the dates up as close as possible and give each other girls a red rose to start off the date. I scheduled the double booking because I've never doubled booked before so I thought it might double my pleasure and double my fun. That, unfortunately was not the case.

My first date had called me well four times a day since we met. Let's call her Stalker. I'm not sure why I agreed to go out with Stalker because the more I spoke with her on the phone, the more she scared me. We met at Henrietta's for a late afternoon drink that Sunday. She seemed blown away by the fact that I gave her a rose. Stalker, who was a few years older than me, started the conversation by telling me about all 3 of her ex-girlfiends and how they had tortured her emotionally and how she was looking for a "hot" partner that she could mother children with.

"I know most lesbians don't want kids, but I do," she explained. "I wanted them with my former girlfriends too, but none of them were interested in kids and I would want my partner to have the children.Do you want kids?"

"Oh, well, uh, down the road," I said almost choking on my beer. She sounded like my mom talking about having kids. Now, having a beer and sitting across from this girl, I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to pop babies out, perhaps one by one like rounds of gun fire at her head.

Stalker grabbed my arm, "when I saw you I though you were the prettiest femme I had ever laid eyes on," she said.

"Oh I bet you say that to all the femmes," I laughed growing more and more afraid of this act.

And then out of nowhere Stalker kissed me. Hard and bit my lip.

"Ouch!"

Somehow Stalker had managed to back me up against a wall and had decided, "Ouch," meant I was having fun. I shoved her off. "Hey, hey, stop it!"

"Come on Ruby, I know you want me," Stalker said. "I know you think I'm hot."

"Uhhhh, sure I do, but you know I really want to take things slow. I mean sloooow. As in I want to get to know you first," I said, meaning, 'as in no way'.

She didn't get it.

"I can give it to you sloooow," she said suggestively trying to shove me back up against the wall.

"Whhoooaaaa there," I said pushing her back a little bit. " I mean, for real. We might work better as friends," I said. I checked my watch. I had to leave in 15 minutes to get to my other date.

Stalker took my friends comment to mean I wanted her to kiss me again. After I recovered from yet another love bite, I grabbed my jacket and RAN. I ran like Forrest Gump.

I met Sheila at City Crab rose in hand and luckily my lips were not bleeding. A lesbian wanting to meet up in a Crab restaurant erked me out a bit, but the restaurant was actually nice and the food was quite good. Sheila was extremely to the point about everything.

"I want to fall in love," she told me while tearing apart a crab leg with a lobster cracker. "I've always thought I would just meet someone out of the blue, so the whole speed dating thing was not normal for me," she explained. "Are you looking for a fuck or a girlfriend," she inquired.

"I'm looking for a little bit of both," I said and slurped down an oyster. "Usually I like to fuck my girlfriends," I said in a snarky tone.

She laughed. "Well, I'm just going to let you know up front that I've slept with (insert semi-famous lesbian musician here) and no one, I mean no one is as good as her in bed," she said.

"No problem, I won't try to compete," I said, and meant it. I don't know about you, but when someone brags about sleeping with a celebrity it is a major turnoff for me. While I find Lindsay Lohan hot. The idea of sleeping with her doesn't do it for me. Because if you sleep with them are you sleeping with the celebrity or the person being the celebrity, cause there is no way they are one and the same. Right?

For the next half an hour Sheila ranted on about this semi-famous musician, which reminded me of another bad date I had been on. After we ate dinner we shook hands and headed home. Sheila tried to kiss me and I extended a hand.

"Errr. I want to take things slow," I explained. "You know that expression fools rush in and everything." - Ruby

The Way We Never Were

It had been way too long since I had a sweet, great date. My focus had been on Cole for way too long and nothing had come of it. I became bored of this crush that I had on him and began to sense that Sarah had wanted him much more. So I decided; she could have him. Don't get me wrong I still think that he is incredibly hot, though not taking it more seriously than what it is; serious eye candy during the workday

It was after this epiphany that Josh called and asked if I would like to get together. My stomach did flutter a bit when I saw his name pop up on my caller ID; perhaps Cooper had been right and I was happy that his speculation proved to be on point. Josh and I agreed to meet on Friday and grab a few pints at Limerick House, which is located right down the street from where we live. Ruby was in absolute hysterical laughter after I told her that I made plans with Josh.

"JOSH?!?! But...it's Josh!!!", screamed an excited Ruby, "He's so...he's so not who I would see you with."

"What? I like dorky guys; you know that. I usually have the best relationships with guys who match my level of dorkiness", I contested.

"Yes, I agree Frankie", began Ruby, "though you're so much more...you're you and he is...Josh."

"Yes, you said that. And what does that mean??", I asked, laughing.

"OK. He is fun to have drinks and spend time with at the bar...on a platonic level. You have difficulty with this concept, I know, but Frankie, dear, dear Frankie...you're hot. I know that you think you're a dork and you are; you have one of the dorkiest personalities of anyone who I know. You watch Jeopardy! for fun, hate air quotes, are a complete grammar snot, and listen to both Taylor Swift and Korean pop music. BIG DORK. Huge. Though according to your looks; sorry babe, a dork you are certainly not. And hot he is not".

"Uh, well Ruby, dear Ruby. Thank you...I think", I replied, "that was sweet though you know I find the dorks irresistible".

"Well, one more thing Frankie. I heard that his last break up set him off. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him with someone who she met on Facebook. He is on a mad, indiscriminate fucking rampage. Plain and simple, our little, young dork has become quite a dog. Please be careful."

"Really? That must have hurt! Though Josh...a complete hound? I can't see it."

"Yes, like no one would ever think that you know EVERY SINGLE LINE TO EACH AND EVERY EPISODE OF FRIENDS. He is a player in dork's clothing."

On Friday, Josh called and asked if I would mind his friend Cary tagging along to which I replied, "Of course not; the more the merrier", trying to hide my feelings that this did strike me as a bit strange. I now wondered if perhaps I had been mistaken. Eh, why am I examining this so closely. I promised myself that I would have no expectations of this evening except to have a great time with an old friend.

The guys stopped by and we walked together to the bar. Josh and I picked up from where we left off. He had me laughing and we were having such a great time; such a great time that I didn't mind that Cary tagged along. His girlfriend, Reina stopped by after we had a few pints and the good times continued. Josh even paid for most of my drinks, though I sneaked in a round for the group when returning from the ladies' room (it's simply good manners). We were amazed that we both had lived in the neighborhood for so long and never saw each other.

By the end of the night I was exhausted though wanted the night to continue; we were having such a good time. Outside of the bar, we said goodnight to Cary and Reina then Josh walked me to my door.

"I am really happy that we met again on the platform and tonight was super great", he said.

I smiled, "Yes, it was fun catching up. I am still in disbelief that we live so close."

He started,"Well I'm going to go. Far walk you know."

I laughed and he asked, "Frankie could I please take you to dinner next week?"

Jeez, he even said please. Still smiling I agreed, "Yes. I would like that. Tonight was good fun, Josh. Thanks for a great evening".

He leaned in and I could swear he was going for my lips, though at the last moment brushed my cheek with his lips, wrapping his arm around my waist and hugging me close. Pulling away slowly, he said in a low tone, "Goodnight Frankie, I'll call you during the week."

"Goodnight Josh. Be careful walking home", I replied, joking.

Ruby was up when I came inside. She was keeping a low profile after caring for Kerry. If that wench made Ruby sick (via flu or heartbreak), I was going to put her in the hospital again.

"How was it?", asked Ruby.

I thought for a moment, breathing in deeply, "Like old times...though much better."

--Frankie

Love Sick

While Frankie was getting grabbed by blue M&Ms, I was buying a bag of M&M's for Kerry at Duane Reed. They were her favorite and she needed them.

It had been a busy week. I had been swamped at work, was lining up dates from that night of speed dating for the weekend and next week. I was on the phone with Cloe (who was making me turn three shades of pink), when I ran into Kerry (or rather she ran into me literally) while entering Equinox.

"Great so I'll bring the whipped cream. Yummmmm. So next Sunday, is good then? Great. I'll see you," I was saying to Cloe, and opening the door to the gym when Kerry slammed right into me from behind. My gym bag flew into a nearby bush.

"Ladies first, hot stuff," Kerry said shoving past me and teetered by me.

"Uhhh. Sorry, Cloe. Yes, Sunday. I'll call you back," I said while recovering my bag and hung up. What the hell was Kerry doing here now and what was her problem. She was here on her day off? Had they switched her schedule? She had nerve. Who did she think she was shoving, anyway?

I caught up with her in the locker room. She looked half-cocked and was standing by the sink swaying. "You know, you don't have to be such a pushy bitch," I quipted.

"Baby, baby. I miss you," Kerry said softly and smiled and planted a kiss on my lips, throwing her arms around me. Her lips were soft and warm and she smelled like powder.

I was tempted to just stay there with her soft arms wrapped around me. I pushed her away. She was completely unbalanced and once I realized she was going to hit the ground like a rag doll, I scrambled and caught her. "Shit, what is wrong with you?"

"Wrong?" Kerry said. "Oh, what could be wrong? I have you. I have Greg (her boyfriend). I have everything," she said giggling and tried to kiss me again.

I put my hand over her mouth. "You don't have me." Her face was flushed and her head seemed hot. I put my hand on her forehead. "You are burning up," I said to Kerry. "Are you sick?"

"Sick, sick, love sick," she said, trying to plant another kiss on me. "Will you take care of me, my love? Maybe we should go in there," she said and motioned suggestively toward the bathroom stall.

"Yes, you are very sick," I said and shook my head. "Come with me." I brought Kerry out to the front of the gym and asked the manager if Kerry had been sick. He took one look at her and asked me if he should call an ambulence.

Instead, we cabbed it to the hospital. Kerry put her head in my lap in the cab and cried. " Do you want me to call Greg?" I offered, gritting my teeth. They had been together for a few months now and the thought of Kerry with this really nice jock made me sick to my stomach even though I was happy for her.

"Noooo," Kerry wailed. " You take care of me. You," she said.

I grabbed her phone and texted Greg anyway.

When we got to the hospital we sat and waited fo a half an hour and then Kerry was ushered into a doctors office. I tried to follow, but since I wasn't family they told me I couldn't accompany her. I waited in the lobby until the doctor came out and told me he wanted to watch Kerry overnight because she had walking pnemonia and was dehydrated. He showed me to her room and told me that visiting hours would be over soon but that they would take good care of her, and I could probably pick her up and take her home in the morning if she was better.

"Hey sicko," I said and entered The room. Kerry was in bed attached to an IV.

"Keep me warm and snuggle with me," she said, scooting over so I could lay next to her on the bed. "You know I always thought we were soul mates, but maybe soul mates are really not meant to be together," Kerry said and nuzzled her face into my neck. One thing I did know about Kerry is she had little tolerance for alcohol and drugs, even pescription medication.

"Kerry," I said uncomfortably and turned to look her in the eyes. Shit, I missed her. "Let's not go there. We're good. Ok?"

"Excuse me," said an overweight older woman in a nurse outfit. She was eying me in such a suspisious way that I could have crawled under the bed. "Visiting hours are over so you will have to leave."

"She is staying," insisted Kerry. "I can't sleep without her. I need her here. She'll be real quiet and just snuggle under the covers with me. I promise," Kerry said in a whoosy voice.

The nurse looked like she could spit fire. "Rules are rules," responded the nurse.

I got up out of the bed and gave Kerry a hug. " I'll see you first thing tomorrow ," I said.

Kerry burst into tears. Another nurse entered the room. " No. I don't want you to gooooooo," she said. "I fucked it all up, and I'll never see you agaaaaiiin. AND I HATE HOSPITALS!"

The nurse looked at me and then at Kerry repeatedly. "What!" Kerry said. "I love her. Let her stay." Kerry grabbed at my shirt and pulled me toward the bed.

"Kerry, I'll be back tomorrow. Chill out," I said calmly unhooking her claws. If it's possible to feel mortified and happy at the same time that's what I was feeling. "I'll bring Greg too. I texted him so I'm sure he'll be here soon and I'll tell him to come pick you up in the morning. I'm sure he's worried about you." Where the hell was he, anyway?

"Where is Greg? Promise me you'll come back before I wake up," Kerry said.

"Okay. I'll bring M&Ms like we always had for breakfast on Sunday. Calm down and go to bed," I said.

"Okay," Kerry said. "M&Ms...." Kerry said and yawned.

I left and bumped into Greg in the waiting room. He had flowers and looked petrified.

"We can come back and get her in the morning," I explained. "I'll meet you here at 7am."

"That's really early?" he started.

"Be there or be....whatever," I trailed off and headed home where I found Cindy waiting with a six pack and pizza.

"You didn't really need to go to the gym anyway," Cindy said smiling. "Come on, I have six dates this week, Jane has five, what does your week look like Ruby Tuesday."

"Shut up," I hated that nickname. "I have seven."

"Did you double book this week?" Cindy asked.

"Yes," I said blushing. - Ruby

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Tit for Tat

On this day after Halloween 2009, I must address an issue which has frustrated me for ages. Last night, Nigella, her childhood friend Nicole, Nicole's boyfriend Bo, and I headed to the West Village for Halloween festivities. We have been feeling a bit too old to mingle with the post parade crowd, though decided to venture out, as Bo was visiting from out of town. We visited one of my favorites, XR Bar. It was here we mingled with Pacman, a few bananas, Charlie Brown & Lucy, and Vivian (Julia Robert's character from Pretty Woman). After leaving XR bar, it was time for some pizza from Arturo's. During our walk, not once, but twice, Nigella was felt up by random male passers by who felt obligated to touch my friend's breasts, as they walked toward her in the opposite direction. Another adventurous blue M&M grabbed hold of my arm as he walked by me and when I tried to break free he resisted until I stabbed him with my plastic devil's pitchfork. At 6'5 and an estimated 300 pounds, Bo is quite an intimidating bodyguard and though he was about to melt this M&M down to his peanut core, he couldn't stop everyone from committing every offense. Though why is it that three grown, adult women need a chaperone to protect against losers who feel that they have the right to disrespect and take from women in such a manner?

Why do certain people feel the need to touch and grab other people's body parts while walking past them in the opposite direction, if there is an attraction? Walk by molestation has been a peeve of mine for quite some time. I am truly sick and tired of this behavior. I remember walking through The Tunnel as a young club goer in NYC, having my ass pinched, and quickly throwing an elbow to the suspected assailants kidney before they could make a clear getaway. Just last March, I defended myself against another ass-ault by grabbing the culprit by the throat.

And no, don't think that it's only the men touching women inappropriately. I have had quite a few women commit pinch and runs on my bottom as well.

And the argument of a woman asking for such attention by dressing in a promiscuous outfit is purely bullshit as well. No, we were not dressed in thong panties and fishnets, though if we were, there is still no right granted to anyone to touch another person without invitation. I have always believed that if someone touches me inappropriately, license is granted to me to defend myself. I asked Nigella why she didn't slap the guys who touched her and she said that it all really happened too quickly to identify the person whose hand she felt touch her; like when this happens while riding the subway.

By the end of the evening (an early 12:30 am) we were all a bit tired of the crowd in general and hailed a taxi back to Nigella's place in Astoria. After the lovebirds fell asleep, Nigella and I finished off our lasagna pie slices, which we reheated to perfection (though they are amazing cold as well) and decided that next year we would keep the Halloween party at someone's apartment so that we wouldn't be harassed by idiots who wanted to solicit a party in their pants. Ruby is always saying that we should host more parties; hmmm, I wondered how my roomie's night was going. "Nigella", I said, "next time a blue M&M tries to touch me, I'm going to make him melt when I kick him in the nuts." --Frankie

Cheri Poppin'?

So the whipped cream girls Cindy and I met at speed dating turned out to be sisters. They seemed fun and kept us chatting and dancing all night. I was dancing with Cheri, who was tre femme. Her sister Judi had a girl friend, but Cheri was single. She had long black hair, manicured nails, wore designer clothes and was tall and thin. She seemed a little high maintainance for me, but I decided to go with the flow and gave her my number.

She called the next day and asked me to meet her at TKettle on St. Marks. It's one of those cute little coffee rooms that just happens to have great bubble tea. Cheri was waiting outside the tea room for me. She seemed really nervous.

"I thought you might not come," she said gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She was dressed in a mini-T and jeans and smelled like powder.

We ordered some bubble tea and took a seat at the back of the place. She still seemed particularly nervous, but she was smiling from ear to ear. I couldn't quite figure out her agenda. She clearly seemed to have one.

"So you really surprised me the other night," I started. "I'm not used to girls being so forward with me."

"I'm not most girls, and I could tell you aren't either," she said slyly. "I find you really attractive."

"Thanks," I blushed. "But I'm surprised a pretty girl like you doesn't have a girlfriend already?"

"Umm. Well..." she started. "I'm really new at this, actually. I've never been with a girl, but I'd like to be. I just recently split up with my boyfriend because I wanted to try it," she said.

"Oh?" I said. "How long did you split with your boyfriend?"

"A couple of days ago," she said. "We were engaged. This sounds bad, right? The thing is I really have always wondered what it would be like to be with a girl, and he wasn't thrilled with the idea of sharing me with someone."

"Well, I understand that," I said.

"I mean, I'm just that way," she said. "I like to try new things and he knows that. I met him at a nudist resort after all," she said.

"Oh," I said and thought 'This is just getting better and better'.

"Have you ever been?" she asked.

"Uh. No, I've never really thought about going to one," I said.

"It's so freeing. I should take you. I bet you would like it. It's so open and free feeling. No one is hiding anything because you can't," she said laughing.

"Hmmm. I don't know. I'm not really a walk around nude type of girl unless I'm in my apartment," I said realizing I was sounding ultra conservative compared to Cheri.

"It's all right," she started. Her cell phone, which was sitting on the table, rang. She looked at it and ignored it.

"Why did you want to start dating girls?" I asked.

"I just have always wanted to. My sister was always into girls and I've always wondered if I was like her. I've always thought I might enjoy being with a girl. I'm sure I would. In fact, I'd like to take you home after this. I want you to teach me everything. You can be my first," she said and pushed her hair out of her face suggestively. She was playing footsie with me under the table.

I was beet red. "Cheri, I'm flattered," I said. "But that's not really my style. I like to take my time and I'm looking for something serious."

Cheri's phone rang again. She looked at it and then back at me. "I am serious. Let's try it. I mean have you ever been with both a girl and a guy together? If you want I could get a guy to join us too?"

"Yeah, that's not what I'm really looking for." I said. "But it sounds fun. I'm sure there's plenty of girls..."

"You are hot," she said. "I want you. I want to fuck you," she said. Her phone rang. "Hold on," she said. "Billy, I'm on a date with a girl. No you cannot come. You aren't my boyfriend anymore. I know. I know. OK I love you too," she said and hung up.

I almost started laughing. I got up.

Cheri popped up out of her chair. "Come home with me," she pleaded. "I want to get to know you better."

"I know," I said, but I wan't into this scene. "Listen, there are plenty of pretty girls in NYC. You should have fun now that you are newly single. Call me, and we'll hang out again soon," I lied.

My phone rang. "Chaquita," I answered."

"Banana. Where are you?" Frankie screamed into my ear. "Beer and wine and raunchy movie night tonight!"

"Fantastic! Give me 20 minutes," I said.

"I gotta go, Cheri," I said.

"Are you seeing other people?" she asked.

"I am," I said although I really wasn't dating anyone in particular. "Call me soon."

"Okay," she said and tried to kiss me.

I turned my head and she caught my cheek. I turned around and waved goodbye and made my way down St. Mark's Street, and decided that sometimes it's not so bad being single or picky.

I checked my email on my iPhone quickly. There were the speed dating results. I had gotten 7 numbers. Seven seemed like a lot. Had I spoken to that many girls? Who was who? But there was one name that I definitely recognized. - Ruby

Out and In with the Old

Ruby and I decided to have a Roomie Day of Fun. After becoming roommates, great friends may, at times, spend less time doing friend things together. Sofa time, sharing Patsy's delivery replaces quality time spent bar hopping and dinner out on the town.

We spent Sunday shopping-Hell's Kitchen Flea Market and Century 21, eating yummy Ethiopian food...and well...more shopping--West 4th Street. Ruby and I have served as each other's sex toy consultants. With the demise of my Rabbit Pearl (a cord problem, not dead batteries), which she gave to me as a 28th birthday gift, we decided that a shopping sexcursion was in order.

Prior to our fun day Sunday, I conducted a bit of internet research. So many options and imitation Rabbits. From bullets to bunnies. The Only product to tickle my fannie....ummm fancy was still my oldie but goodie, Rabbit Pearl, as I am unable to afford The Victor. The Victor is a pretty little platinum pet with bands of diamonds encircling the middle of and oblong shaft. Though at a starting price of more than $35,000, I must leave this luxurious indulgence to Robb Report readers.

We made our way from Seventh Avenue South toward Sixth down West Fourth. Tic Tac Toe and The Birthday Suit are my favorites, as they provide an array of pleasure (and pain if that is your pleasure) products for every desire and fetish (every girl should own a red custom fit corset, shouldn't they?). While Ruby was examining a pair of boyshorts...complete with attached dildo, I saw it, shining brightly and pink...a lovely, brand spanking new...Rabbit Pearl. After leaving with our little, discreet shopping bags, Ruby wanted to stop by Cubby Hole for a drink. I was a bit tired and needed to have my eyebrows threaded at Unique Threading. I ran down to the platform for the F train and while waiting, turned when HE was walking down the stairs. I had not seen him since I left NYC to live in Australia. He saw me when I saw him. "Frankie!", he said, sounding surprised, "What. What are you doing here? What happened to Australia? What. What's up?" "Josh! Hi!", I said as he hugged me tightly, "Great to see you. What great timing! Oh, yes, Australia; well it was great, though it was not for me. Now Ruby and I live together in Chelsea". Ruby, Josh, and I worked together years ago at my first publishing job after college. Cooper always suspected Josh as having a crush on me, though I paid no mind to the speculation, as I had been so in love with my pre-violence boyfriend. Now I wondered if Cooper had been correct and if I would mind if he had been. Here we were, two years later, going the same way on the same train. "That's funny, I live in Chelsea!", exclaimed Josh. We took the train two stops to 23rd Street. As he said, this was "Funny", though what was even funnier--he lives in the building five doors down. I allowed him to walk me home, still amazed at our timing. Eyebrow threading could be saved for another day, I decided as I went inside to polish off my new toy...or allow it to polish off me. --Frankie

The L Word, speed dating and whipped cream on top

Yes, I've been missing in action. Or rather I've been having a little too much action in the bathroom of the gym.But let's face it, Barbie isn't going to leave Ken and I'm looking for more than just a little romp. So I've been out on the town. As I have been checking out some of my favorite sites to see what NYC lesbian events to hit, I came across The Real World Lesbian Style. Yup. I know.

As if we needed another docu-drama to watch, The L-Word is now going reality TV. Guess who wants to create it. Ding, ding ding!!" Via New York Daily News: L Word" creator Ilene Chaiken and the Magical Elves production team ("Project Runway," "Top Chef"), will follow the lives of six lesbians living in Los Angeles. Because the deal hasn't been finalized, "The Real L Word" hasn't been cast, but Chaiken hopes to find women who embody what "The L Word" was about. (That would be power lesbians, bi's gone crazy, and drugged out sexy studmuffins in case you missed any seasons. Just kidding.)

But seriously. Hello! Why LA, when you have an overly abundant population of lesbians filming documentaries in New York?

I am an avid fan of movies, but I notice that the genre of lesbian movies and television shows seems a little, well, played out. You have the coming out suicidal dramas (Lost and Delirious; Loving Annabelle ), the comedic coming out stories/ romantic comedies (Imagine Me & You; But I'm a Cheerleader), the Sarah Waters novels turned movie (Tipping The Velvet), and then you have the documentaries (Go Fish; Lesbian shorts and the list goes on.) As for television, there was Xena (are they really lesbians?), Buffy (0ut but still mostly in the closet), and then The L Word.

The L Word does own a category of its own because it was a daily soap opera that reminded us that our lives weren't so fucked up and made being a lesbian or bi- totally sexy and trendy. Damn it, Chaiken if you are going to milk it with both a movie and a real world series-- now that, The Farm, staring Alice (Leisha Hailey) as jail bait didn't get picked up-- milk it in NYC!

Seriously, if Chaiken was really seeking the purest version of L-Word in reality, she only need go to Henrietta Hudson's on Morton, Girl Nation or RF Lounge (formerly Ruby Fruit). Anyway that's what I was thinking a week ago while being suckered into speed dating at Hen's by Cindy, who was so was so friggin' adamant about me doing it.

"Come on, it'll be fun," she prodded and pushed me in the middle of the room and in front of a skinny black woman that seemed to be in charge of the event.

"You and you are in. Go sit down there. OK. Play nice ladies. Get to know each others. Use our worksheet. When you hear the buzzer," the host said. "Switch places."

There is nothing more intense then being one of twelve girls speed dating in the middle of a bar packed tight with single girls who are all staring at you. Had I been completely sober I might have been terrified enough to stick to the questions on the worksheet given to us. However, Cindy, me and our new friend from the bi-sexual group, Jane had been at Henrietta's since around 5pm and now it was nearing 9pm. (Frankie, our Kit, had opted out on this one tonight. She said something about hunting rabbits.) Needless to say, we all a bit tipsy and therefore inspired to stray from the questions on the card.

"So do you like whipped cream?" I asked as a first question to an attractive girl with short brown hair sitting somewhat uncomfortably in front of me. She burst out laughing. "Seriously, cherries on top or not?" I kept a straight face.

"I figured you would ask my name first?" she said, chuckling.

"We can get that figured out later. Priorities," I said, smiling. She was cute and had a sense of humor. I had to eavesdrop on my friends though.

I heard Cindy who was to my right take it a step further as if I dared her, "So do you have VD or any other STDs? I'd rather get that crap out of the way now so I know if I can fuck you later or not." The girl sitting opposite of her, with long red hair, looked appalled. Cindy smacked my leg.

Jane, who was to my left and across was laughing at me and finally asked the girl opposite her, "So, do you come here often after work? What do you do?" The girl across from her had short blond hair and had been laughing at my conversation too. She tried to answer the question without laughing anymore at our conversation, which had moved onto the subject of, "Things to do sexually with Cheese Wiz." the buzzer beeped and we all switched places.

Anyway, three or four speed dates later I was dying to speak to the snickering lady on my left, who Jane had been talking to earlier. She kept glancing over and smiling. I realized I was paying more attention to her answers than those girls sitting across from me. However, I was sitting in front of a very pretty lady who deserved my attention. She was very pretty, and well, she looked straight. "Are you bi?" I asked.

"No. I date both men and women," she answered and brushed her brown hair out of her face."But I don't box myself in if that's what you mean."

"Gotcha," I winked. "Nor should you. I feel the same way."

"For real?" she asked. " Most people think I'm just being promiscuous, but I say you can't tell if you like an ice cream flavor without trying it."

"I totally get that. So what flavor would I be?" I asked.

"Raspberry, vanilla swirl, I'd say," she answered, laughing. The buzzer beeped.

Finally, I got my chance to speak to The Giggler, who had been on my left. Before I sat down she said,"God, I've been dying to talk to you all night."

Her name was Cloe, and she was a bartender. Miraculously, she had gotten a night off and wound up at Hens.

"I'm anti-relationship," she warned. " I'm just no good at it"

"Well, I'm no good at dating but I still try," I said amused. For a self proclaimed player she was quite focused on our conversation and not the tall blond Swedish girls doing body shots by the bar. I'm not a player, but I couldn't help but look over. Really, no one could ignore them.

"I'd, maybe, like to get to know you and your whipped cream techniques better some time," she said. "Not a date," she winked and pointed to my phone. I gave it to her and put her number in. The buzzer rang.

"And that concludes speed dating," the host said. " Write down on this piece of paper who you would like to call you and you will receive an email with the phone numbers and email addresses of the girls who mutually liked you."

"That would be none for you," I prodded Cindy, who was already standing beside me, arm on my shoulder.

I turned around to re- introduce Cloe to Cindy (as they had been speed dating earlier), but she had taken off to the bar and started doing body shots with the blond baby Sweedish dikes.

"Excuse me. Soooo. I hear you like whipped cream," said a voice from behind us. There were two girls. One girl had jet black long hair, was sporting jeans and a black tank. The other had short brown curly hair, was sporting a polo and baggy jeans. They were each holding drinks topped with whipped cream. "We dig Cheese Wiz, and don't have any STDs either," said the girl with short brown hair laughing.

"You girls are crazy," said the girl with black hair extending the drink with whipped cream."It's an orgasm."

Cindy and I looked at each other and smirked. Of course, that's when the night really began. - Ruby

Kill Tha Wabbit

I had the apartment all to myself. Ruby was away for a long weekend--again. My roomie has been a ghost lately, she pays rent, though is rarely home, nor do we hang out like we did in the past. I prepared a luscious dinner of Trader Joe's Chicken Enchiladas (come on, they are quite tasty considering they are frozen Mexican) and performed my New Moon stalking for the evening. I had big plans for this evening...alone...in my empty, roommate free apartment...and they included my cute little pink pet and three C batteries...

Fine, I am a huge dork. I poured a glass of Merlot, lit a few candles; if no one will romance me, then I may as well do it myself. Yes, take care of everything myself. Hell, if you want it done right, may as well do it yourself.

So I started...slowly. This is a quality product, three speeds, various rotations, and a little plastic bunny attached at the base whose ears vibrate faster than his Energizer counterpart is able to beat that drum! I know many people have described, written about, and documented on film their experiences with this product, though if you have tried it, then you will agree. This is the definitive woman's little helper.

Now I was getting somewhere, daaaaaaammmmmn it felt amazing. I believe that I may have been well on the way to outdoing myself, while quite literally doing myself. I felt it, the sensation in my toes, chest, and right along my happy little trail; YEEEEES! I AM AMAZZZZZZZING!!!

Wait! What?! No!!! Can't be!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! The device sputtered a few short vibrations and then...stopped. I lifted it up...looked at it in horror, as I realized that the batteries lost all of their juice before I lost mine. AND I had no replacements. I was so close!!!!!! I could really cry. WHHHHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?! I couldn't even finish manually, as the mood had officially died with the toy. I killed The Rabbit. --Frankie

On Friends and Lovers

After a long day in the private equity industry, Sarah and I decided to do a bit of shopping. No, this is not the time to be spending frivolously, though I was in desperate need of retail therapy as I was also on the verge of alcoholism; which may actually be the better option considering the latest rays of economic optimism; cheap bottle of Yellow Tail vs. $200 Gilt Group tab. Oh the decisions.

Because the future of our employment is so uncertain we decided that buying yet another suit may be necessary. In addition to the gray, navy, and black pinstripe...everyone could use a crisp, linen...charcoal shift dress and matching jacket...right???

While advising each other on our picks in the Banana Republic fitting room, Sarah and I began discussing our love interests...

"So any promising suitors?", I asked.

"Eh, only eye candy. What about you?"

"Oh, well...I have the most painful crush right now. You know, love hurts.", I laughed.

"Rrreally??", asked Sarah, "who is the crush??"

Before today, I had hinted to Sarah on a few occasions that my crush was Cole, though never admitted it.

"Well", I began, "He is not the typical type of guy who I like...which means he seems to have his shit together.", I chuckled.

Rolling my eyes and exhaling the deep breath that I just took in, "It's Cole," I breathed.

Sarah looked at me and her smile turned further upward and she began to laugh, "That's my crush!!!!"

We were jumping around in the dressing room like schoolgirls while wearing our cute little dresses complete with price tags.

I began laughing and grabbed her hands in mine while asking, "Doesn't his ass look like it was sewn into his trousers?!?!?! And I bet those trousers would look great on the floor!"

"Yes!!", she agreed, "each time he bends over, I could swear that I am going to faint and need medical attention."

"You know Sarah, if we were any other two girls, this could turn ugly, though strangely I see this crush as bringing us closer", I said.

Sarah agreed saying, "It's like our little secret..."

"Our little secret about Cutie Bend Over...or C.B.O. for short," I winked.

"OOOOH you're bad! I love it!", Sarah exclaimed.

Taking this last comment as a compliment, I said, "Eh I try...we'll be completely fair when it comes to love...and a great, tight ass." --Frankie

Why Lesbians love the iPhone

Requiem for a Dream

It's been over a month and I believe that I have almost recovered from my...ahem...relaxing Arizona holiday. What is it about younger guys? I can't seem to find a guy who is a bit older...or even my age. As I sit here at 5:30 pm, just about to ask Cole if he needs anything before I leave at six, Kayla knocks on the glass partition which separates our cubicles. "We are going to head out for Natasha's birthday next Friday. Will you come out?", she asked.

"Sure", I replied, "Where are we going?"

"Oh I figure Lucky Strike; we took Cole out there for his 26th birthday last year and it was such a great time. Fun and games! Oh and booze, of course.", said Kayla.

"Wait. What? Cole is 27 years old? Seriously?," I asked, absolutely shocked.

Kayla chuckled and batted her eyelashes at me, "Yes he is. Awwwww....are you OK with that?"

"Yes, I am fine. It's just, I thought, well, he...I thought he was at least 29," I answered disappointed.

Kayla said goodnight and as she walked through the office door, Cole rushed over to my cube.

"Frankie, I need your help, would you please make these copies and turn the tabbed pages into .pdf files??? I apologize for not asking sooner, though got so caught up...and well...", he said, trying to regain his breath.

I laughed, "Yes, of course, no worries. You never ask me for anything. Go finish whatever you were working on. I have this."

He smiled, "You're the best, Frankie, though I am not finishing anytime soon. Another midnight end of day for me."

I finished the copies and scanned his requested pages to my inbox. While looking them over, I couldn't help but weigh this age issue in my mind. I guess it couldn't hurt if the guy were mature and had his life together. This guy is 27 and busting his amazing ass until ten, eleven, sometimes midnight. He has so much going for him. AND I have been accused of seeing myself as much older and experienced than my actual age. Perhaps I am being silly. I was still thinking about this dilemma as I walked to Cole's office with his copies. Everyone had left for the evening; we were the only people in the office.

Looking through the papers, he asked if I could help him with an issue regarding his Outlook. I leaned over him and grabbed his...mouse and as I was trying to fix the problem, there was a moment when I could feel his eyes on me. I couldn't help but look back...and take in a deep breath. He stood from his chair and pushed my body against the edge of the desk with his. He lifted my chin and kissed me gently...and I kissed him back. This was happening, flowing like a film. Lifting me onto the desk, his hands lifting the hem of my skirt while exploring the skin of my outer thigh. My lips on his neck, fingers finding their way from his biceps to his pecs to the button of those trousers... "Frankie," he whispered softly in my ear..."Frankie, Frankie....Hey, Frankie are you ok??"

Oh shit! I shook myself from the reverie...breathing heavily-not realizing what-had...where-am-I?

"Cole!", I said, as I recognized him standing over me at the corner of my cube and finally joined the rest of the world in a little place called reality.

"Are you alright Frankie?", he repeated his question, "You're all red...and slightly trembling..."

"Uhhhhmmmm, yes; I...must have been daydreaming while waiting for these files to load. Oh and look at that!," Did my voice just crack?!?! "They are all ready to send to you; haha...I apologize. Lame, I know.", I decided for a condensed version of the truth. Jeez, my face was on fire.

"No worries, why are you apologizing? I am the one who is keeping you here late. I appreciate you staying behind to help," he said, smiling...with that smile.

"It's fine, my pleasure, really Cole. Though I should be going. Unless you need anything else?", I offered. Oh please...I could think of a few lewd responses to that question, I laughed to myself.

"No, I'm all set. Seriously Frankie, thank you.", he repeated.

"Goodnight Cole. See you in the morning. And don't stay too late!", I joked. I am such a dork sometimes! I feel like such a kid with the type of childhood crush that makes you feel, well, dopey and so...young again.

"Goodnight Frankie," he said as I made my way to the door,"And, Frankie, whoever he is...well he's lucky."

My heart fluttered, "Thanks Cole. Goodnight", I said thinking about an ice cold shower while Taylor Swift's Teardrops on My Guitar played in my head.

Yes, Taylor Swift. And I wonder why I end up with the young ones.--Frankie

What a drag...queen. That is.

I decided I might try the online dating thing, against Frankie's wishes. I know, I know, it sounds desperate, right? But everyone is on Facebook and Twitter so where is the harm in a little online dating? I went on a date with this girl from Curve. Her screen name was Abracadabra. My question when I saw her profile: Can you find magic from online dating?

We emailed for the first week, started texting the second week and by the third week we were set to meet. So we did, at Cubbyhole. The bar was packed so we slid into the booth at the back of the club and tried to talk over the crowd.

Abracadabra was extremely pretty, thin and very serious. She was a reporter for a newspaper and a part-time poet. Quite the combination. Anyways, we had Hemingway in common. I knew she liked his novels from her Curve profile and we had not yet covered literature in our discussions. I debated that The Sun Also Rises was his defining work while she was arguing that it was The Old Man and The Sea.

In the midst of our Hemingway discussion, a trannie or drag queen in a purple mini-skirt and a silver shirt named Glinda that was crammed between our table and a neighboring one joined in our conversation.

"No, no. You have it all wrong. It was A Farewell To Arms that made his career, ladies," Glinda interrupted and then squeezed into the booth next to my date. "Oh, thank god. So are you gals here often?" she asked.

"Um...no," replied Abracadabra, looking awkward. "We are on our first date."

"Oh, how adorable. And you are both so pretty. What an amazing couple you would make," Glinda said. "So what do you do?" she asked me.

"I'm in publishing," I replied a bit taken off gaurd.

"And you?" she asked Abracadabra.

"I'm a reporter, why?" Abracadabra replied.

"Ah, so you are both people that cling to words. Words can make or break a relationship for you," she said.

"I suppose," I replied. "but, it depends upon the actions that go along with it..."

"I'll be right back," announced Abracadabra."Have to go to the girl's room."

"Ok," I replied. Since Glinda was there we continued talking a bit philosophically about relationships that is until I got a text from Abracadabra:

Pissed. Meet me outside.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked when I went met her outside the bar.

"Only that you would rather talk to some drag queen then me!" exclaimed Abracadabra."I can't believe you would sit there and start carrying on a conversation with her on our first date."

"But the bar is jam packed and you went to the bathroom..." I tried to rebuttle.

Abracadabra started crying. All I wanted was a normal relationship with someone and now I find out you are into drag queens..." she sobbed.

I was a bit confused. "Huh? We aren't in a relationship and no I like girls. I'm not into drag queens," I said.

Abracadabra was hysterical crying. I tried to console her but she pushed me away and then slapped my arm. Now I know when someone is acting possessive. I did date Elizabeth after all, but this was way beyond that. This was insane.

"You know what," I said. "You're right. Glinda is kinda cute. I'm sorry I bothered meeting you. But I'm glad I did come because I'm going to hang out with her instead." I went inside the bar and bought Glinda a drink. She was good company. I suppose that's why I think there's no magic in online dating, but now that I hear Lindsay Lohan is on eHarmony I might change my mind. That is if they are not back on. - Ruby.

Hittin' the Kiddie Pool

Yes, I was M.I.A. for a few weeks; my apologies. When RD Capital Partners instituted a week long furlough for its employees what could I do but book a flight outta here? Kim just graduated from Arizona State University; you know it I am sure--A.S.U.--the largest party school in this fine country. So what? I am a twenty...ummm...well young professional in her late twenties. A little dip in the kiddie pool never hurt anyone. Time for some action.

From the airport, we stopped at our hotel to unpack before heading out to begin the festivities. Kim said to me, "Just so you know, the condoms are here," as she held up a long strip of rubbers and then stashed them in a toiletries bag. "Thanks baby," I replied, "though I am not hooking up on this trip. Your friends are waaaaaay too young." Kim gave a dubious stare and repeated, "As I said, the protection is right here." To which I had no response, except a smirk and chuckle. The second stop on the welcome train was Loco Patron which had drink specials for the those who are still blessed with the financial backing of their parents, a.k.a. the under 25 set. Oh yes, $3 bomber Thursdays; I can not tell a lie, getting bombed was a theme of this trip. Kim and I met up with her friends Mike, Cory, and Charlie; all of whom were almost old enough to rent a car without the underage penalty.

At one point Kim asked, "So how does it feel to be back in Arizona?"

"So nice to be out of New York for a bit. The heat becomes too much", I cracked as we stood in 105 degrees of dry Arizona summer, "and I don't mean the weather."

"Yes", she agreed, "I don't know how you do it. Though I moved out to Arizona when I was young, I had drama by the age of thirteen; the year before I left NYC. Girls that age should not be exposed to what we were at that age; makes us way too jaded. Speaking of bad decisions, see anyone you like this evening?"

Mike and Charlie were cute. I watched them for a moment and then settled my gaze on Charlie. "Yes, I think I may have found one." Following my gaze, Kim agreed, "Fine choice. Cute and I heard that he is great in the sack."

I was in town for only five days and most of my visit followed the same daily schedule. After a night of heavy collegiate level drinking we finally crawled out of our hotel room at noon-ish, ate breakfast, shopped, and drove around the beautiful desert towns (any of it beautiful and different to a New Yorker).

Saturday rolled around, which meant time for some ink. Kim has a few good friends at Phoenix Tattoo Company, which is quite reputable. They have inked some amazing pieced for Kim and I couldn't wait for my new addition! Kim sat first, having her name inscribed among blooming lotus blossoms on her outer thigh. I was up next and chose something into which I invested a great deal of thought. A large royal blue rose in full bloom with a smaller bud above on the same thick stem with a few words from my favorite Paradise Lost quote, "Abashed the Devil stood...saw and pined his loss". There is something about having a man tap ink into the skin of my outer thigh that inspires the most adventurous and reckless mood to rise from the depths of my soul. As Kim and I agreed during the first night, "This feels like a long weekend of bad decisions. Let's embrace the debauchery." Right on, Sistah!

We picked up Charlie who came back to the hotel with us to pregame as we showered and prepared to go out. After quite a few vodka and sodas and some silly, dorky photos starring Kim and me, we headed out to Tavern. We met up with Mike, Cory, and a few other friends of Kim. Yes, I felt like the oldest person at the bar, though I let go of this complex after a gin and tonic and two shots of Patron. The guys volleyed for our attention and were extremely flirty. After many cocktail/tequila shot combinations it was time to hit the road for some late night Mexican...food (not men).

Charlie, Mike, Cory, Kim, and I headed to Filiberto's or Fili B's as they like to call it. Mike insisted that I sit in his lap on the way to Fili B's. I was not too keen about this, though didn't give too much thought to it, as I was hungry and wanted our food fast. The entire ride to Fili B's was a game of cat and mouse in the back seat. Mike's mouth was the cat and mine was the mouse. Each time he came in for the kill I moved my head slightly to thwart his attempt and then saw what I wanted staring right back at me in the rearview mirror--Charlie. Once at Fili B's the boys ordered food and Kim and I sprinted to the bathroom for what else? A girl's chat session.

"Ok", began Kim, "we must devise a plan. Mike wants you."

"But I want Charlie", I replied, "Mike reminds me of your brother and ewww, that is creepy. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt."

Kim looked at me and laughed, "Yes, though Mike doesn't know it, that is the exact reason why I decline his advances every time he tries to get into my pants. EWWWWWWWW, gross! OK, I will make this work for you, Frankie."

Leaving with our carne asada fries and burritos, we first dropped off Mike and Cory. Charlie was our designated driver, therefore he was going to see us back to the hotel safely. And Kim sat on Mike's lap after leaving Fili B's. What a great friend!

Back at the hotel we three sat on the couch in the living room of our suite and inhaled our food. As soon as Kim went into the bathroom, Charlie grabbed me. Carne asada fries flew, as did my shirt, his shirt, my bra..."Ahem" I heard from behind me and pulled Charlie to my chest as I laughed. "I am going to turn around AND close my eyes," said Kim,"and you are going to run straight for the bedroom. I will sleep on the couch. And you're welcome". Did I mention that she is a great friend?

From this point in the tale my memory becomes a blur of skin, sweat, and yes, the one lone condom that I remember to keep in my purse. Once we finished (yes, we; Kim was right, he was a great lay and considerate as well), he wanted to go again, though I turned to him and said (or gave a Patron produced mumble), "Do you have another condom?", completely forgetting about Kim's stash!! To which he replied in the negative. I looked at him and said, "Pity", rolled over and fell asleep. Hey I may have been drunk but no glove no love sweetie.

We woke the next morning and Charlie drew me close, saying, "Come on, I want you. Now."

"Oh fuck!", I thought. "Please don't be angry", I said as I pulled over the toiletries bag and pulled out a long sleeve of condoms.

Charlie gave me a look, rolled his eyes, pulled me close, and began seducing me all over again. I think he was a bit annoyed, though too bad I don't go raw with someone who does not rank as a serious boyfriend with whom I have a monogomous relationship. Eventually, after we were dressed, Kim wandered into the room and sat for a chat. She then was going to drive Charlie home, at which point the kid turned, playfully punched me in the shoulder and said, "Take it easy, see you later". What a strange goodbye...even for a 24 year old!

Apparently Kim noticed what she considered to be Charlie's odd behavior. We were both completely stumped. Last night Charlie had offered his shower to me before I hopped the redeye to NYC tomorrow, as I would be checked out of the hotel by 11 am. Kim and I enjoyed our final complete day together and took it easy; we did quite a bit of damage of these last few evenings.

The next day, she reached Charlie who was a bit unsociable over the telephone, though said that we could come over and use his shower. At this point I didn't care and only wanted to get onto the plane feeling clean and relaxed. Charlie was totally distant toward both Kim and me. I could see the confusion on Kim's face.

Once I was in the bathroom it all made sense. To my horror sitting on the toilet tank cover was all the explanation that I needed. There it sat. The douchebag bible...I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. Good grief, that explains it. Anyone who takes cues from Tucker Max has to be disgusting. EWWWWW...now I definitely need a shower. These damn kids today! --Frankie

Why Bisexual Women Have a Bad Rep.

The LGBT Center

So after my recent promiscuity, I decided to do some soul searching. Well, really sexuality searching.

Is it possible to be attracted to both men and women equally at the same time? I seem to have no problem with that, although at the moment I'm preferring women over men. Is that normal? According to AfterEllen there are categories to bisexuality. I wanted to see if these categories existed in the flesh.

After bribing Cindy with dinner, I recruited her to come with me to a meeting at The Center.

You can't miss The Center. It's that big building on 13th with the rainbow flag. It's also the one with all the gay couples arguing, talking, and dancing in front of it. You really can't miss it.

Cindy and I walked in the front door and asked the girl at the desk where the bisexual womens' meetup was.

She looked up from her paper up at us and eyed us up and down. She shook her head. It was one of those looks that blast right through you and scoff you at the same time. "Second floor, first right," she said and then continued to read her paper.

When Cindy and I entered the meeting we were surprised to find several attractive women of all ages. There were about 20 of them. Sitting in the front of the room in the middle was an older, attractive blond woman. Cindy and I took a seat near the rear of the circle.

"Hi I'm Jane. I hold these meeting every other week. On the weeks in between I hold what I refer to cuddle parties at my apartment, and I hope you all stop by. It's free love and we're OK with orgies. So next week every one is invited OK? So why are you here?" the woman asked casually gesturing to one very frightened and youngish observer. "Because you are bisexual and you either sleep with both men and women or are attracted to both. Some people feel that unnatural. That you are either gay or straight. What are your thoughts?" she asked the girl sitting cross-armed next to her.

"I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer this question," she said. "I'm not gay or bi-sexual," she stated.

"So you are straight?" Jane asked raising an eyebrow (Snickers and looks from several girls).

"No, I'm, well, undefined," she said nodding.

One of the other girls interrupted. "Why do you have to define your sexuality at all? It's like just a piece of you and not the whole puzzle," she stated.

"Because it is part of you and people like to categorize," Jane said.

"You," she said pointing to Cindy. "What do you consider yourself?"

"Uhhhhh. I'm actually here with her," she said gesturing toward me. "Not, with her, but here with her as a friend. I'm a lesbian. No doubt there," Cindy added.

"OK. I get it you don't date bi-girls," Jane retorted sarcastically. "Lesbians have this thing against bi-girls, ladies."

"Hey, I don't have a thing against them," Cindy said. "In fact, I've had a great time pressing up against them if you catch my drift, but right now I'm looking for something serious, which means I'm looking for another lesbian to love. I don't want the woman I'm dating to run off with a man just because she's unsure," she said defending herself.

"Yeah, whatever. So what are you?" Jane asked tilting her head toward me.

"I'm more of a who rather than a what," I responded. "I'm Ruby, and I guess I'm bi."

"Ruby, do you like having sex with women as much as men or do you think that with men it's kind of rough and dirty. I always thought sex with men was dirty, but it's also fun," Jane said.

"Errrr. Well, I like sex with both and I really don't think about it being dirty, I guess," I said. "I guess ultimately I'm just looking to meet that one person who will be my everything, as cheesy as that sounds, regardless of gender."

"Well, that idealistic," Jane said. "I don't think bi-sexuals can be really committed," she continued.

"Jane, that's bullshit" said another woman in the circle. "I'm bisexual and have been happily married for 15 years to the same woman. "

The conversation continued for a while and Jane made more of the younger girls uncomfortable by asking them what sexual positions they liked, if they practiced safe sex, if they used vibrators and so on. Jane also went on to insult transgenders, butch women and, well, pretty much everyone. It was a real cozy, nice to meet you type of group meeting.

It seemed to me that everyone in the group was great, except Jane, who had some sort of chip on her shoulder. It was also ashamed that she had scared half of the young bi-curious women in the meeting away by putting them on the spot. Many of them had never slept with women, but were anxious about taking that step. Here was Jane to freak them out by inviting them to an orgy at her house. She was like a preditor ready to deflower the curious.

After the meeting was over, Jane approached me and Cindy. "I hope you'll be back or I see you next week," she said looking at me more than Cindy.

"Oh yeah, next week I'm kind of busy, but I'll be back here," I answered, not totally sure I was going to be back at all.

"We gotta run," Cindy said. "I promised this girl that Ruby and I would fuck her together around 8 so we're going to be late as it is," she said pulling me away. "It's been great learning experience. Really."

Cindy and I left The Center laughing. "Women like her," Cindy started, " are why all bi-sexual women have bad reputations." - Ruby

Why are you in a Gay Bar?

Why do straight people go to gay bars? I love this rant.




-Ruby

Stalling

So, I never understood what was so exciting about hooking up in a bathroom. That was until I did.

Yes, it was cramped and the toilet got in the way, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So, I have been going to Equinox for a while now and I recently changed my workout time to avoid Kerry, who apparently is dating one of the other guy-teachers at the gym. Figures. This being the case, I switched from doing yoga on a regular basis to running on the treadmill and lifting weights.

It's amazing how many different people you can meet on a daily basis just by varying your routine. One of those people was a short blond bombshell named Barbie, who would often show up to run on the treadmill at the same time I did. Not surprisingly, Barbie and I got into the habit of running together and discussing the latest episodes of True Blood amoung other things. Also, not surprisingly, Barbie had a boyfriend.

On this particular day, as we were running and discussing Sookie and Sam's latest adventures, Barbie's boyfriend called and she aptly answered and popped off of the treadmill to take his call. I ran for about 20 more minutes and decided it was time for a bathroom break. I entered the womens' locker room and the bathroom, which was in an adjacent room. No one was in the bathroom besides Barbie, who was standing by the mirror.

"I had hoped you would come," she said almost breathlessly.

"Sure," I replied a little clueless.

She looked at me expectantly. As I walked toward her, her blue eyes got wider and she had one of those looks on her that could have only meant she wanted me to kiss her.

I put my arms around her and she responded almost too quickly, backing into a bathroom stall and kissing me all at once. I fumbled with the lock on the stall as I groped and kissed Barbie.

"They're implants," she said.

"I would have never known," I lied and continued to kiss her neck and breasts.

Things escalated at a rapid pace. Barbie started grinding me against the door and then I pushed her back toward the corner in passion, accidentally almost throwing her into the toilet. But it didn't matter. We were sweating and kissing and our bodies were moving together. She sighed softly. She had an orgasm, just by grinding. I unbuttoned her pants and went to go down on her for round two.

"No," she whispered and then pushed my head toward her.

Barbie wasn't a novice with girls either, I found out.

However, during our romp in the stall, we were interrupted. Someone entered. They went into the next stall and began peeing. It was one of those long Austin Power pees. We froze and tried not to giggle. Barbie's face was turning red. I wanted to burst out laughing.When the person in the next stall left, another entered. We knew our time was up.

Barbie and I tried to straighten out. I adjusted my top and quickly exited the stall. Barbie wasn't quite ready and quickly shut the door behind me.

I went toward the sink. And there, staring at me, was Kerry.

"Hey," she said.

"Oh, hi," I answered uncomfortably as I scrubbed my hands. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped my face.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean..."

"It's O.K.," I said praying that she would just leave before Barbie came out of the stall.

But she just stood there watching me sadly, deciding what to say.

"I miss you," she started.

Barbie walked out of the stall and over to the sink. She washed her hand and patted some water on her face. "Wow. What a workout! See you tomorrow, Ruby." With that Barbie, winked, and turned and left the bathroom.

I couldn't help but smile. Barbie was so damn hot.

Kerry's mouth hung agape. She blushed. "Oh my god," she whispered. She shook her head and followed Barbie out of the bathroom. - Ruby

Reading Too Far Into It?

Usually by this time of year, we have already enjoyed a few evenings spending a carefree after work happy hour at a rooftop bar somewhere in Manhattan. This rain, cloudy weather, and fog have not made such locales very appealing. The RD Partners crew was looking to have going away drinks for an associate who was accepted into the MBA program at Harvard. We became optimistic a few days ago, as the rain had subsided and the sun was now teasing us with a game of hide and seek. With high hopes we headed over to Dream Hotel's Ava Lounge

I ordered my Tanqueray and Tonic when Kayla started in again about me staying with the firm.

"C'mon, Frankie; Eileen is not going to return from maternity leave and you fit so well within our firm. Pllllllleeeeeeaaase don't make me jump on the assistant search with a recruiting firm!", she pleaded.

"You don't want me working with you permanently. I drink way too much during happy hour; it would be most beneficial to find an assistant who doesn't drink as much", I joked.

"Hellloo, that is one of the many reasons why you must stay! It's summer and we have much more happy hour bonding to do!", cracked Kayla.

Yitzchak, a VP, asked, "Well what do you want to do? Please don't tell me that you are thinking of reentering publishing? You will be committing career suicide!"

I saw that this was going to become a serious debate, though I must stand firm on my decision. "I know where I belong. If the industry is suffering, then what a great time to be involved. The learning experience will be priceless".

"I can respect that," said Cole as he walked up from behind me.

"Thanks, I appreciate it. At least someone is on my side," I joked.

"Well," began Kayla as she looked from Cole to me and back again,"searching for a job within publishing isn't the only thing that Frankie is up to."

Everyone was sort of puzzled except me. I thought, "Oh please, not in front of Cole. Oh no, please don't say it."

"Frankie", Kayla continued, "is already working on writing projects. She writes a funny little dating blog."

Oh yes, there it was. She said it in front of the guy who I was crushing on. Oh the red fire in my cheeks; why must I blush so deeply?!

"Oh really?", "A...dating blog?", "Tell us!" were the synchronized responses.

How should I approach this one? Here I go, giving it a shot, "Well, yes, it is a joint venture with my roommate Ruby. We chronicle our funny dating stories through a blog. It is entertaining and, I will admit, therapeutic for Ruby and me".

"That's great. Can we read it??", asked Yitzchak.

"Yes, we want to read it! That is cool", added Cole

"Well, boys it is a bit risque.", added Kayla.

Looking for a save, I said, "You may fire me after reading it and I can't afford to lose my job right now without a lead, thanks!"

"On the contrary Frankie, we may promote you, if it's that good of a read!", chuckled Yitzchak. He continued,"Try this whiskey. It's called Woodford Reserve and it is tasty."

"No thanks," I replied, "if I mix that with my Tanqueray, then we will all be sorry. Whiskey and I are not very good friends." Though truthfully, I couldn't help but think about how my crush now knows that I document my love life online. I thought about how he wants to read me (well, the blog), which is a good sign, though I still can't read him. Yitzchak continued to push the whiskey, though I wanted no part of that action at all. "Fine, I don't want your lips touching my glass anyway. Considering you write a dating blog...who knows where those lips have been", Yitzchak cracked.

"Well, at least I know my lips have much more fun than yours, you old, married coot!," I retorted, laughing as I tapped his glass with mine and initiated a group toast.

Our group erupted into a loud, resounding, "WHOOOOOOOOOAA!!!!", "Dude she got you good!" I met Cole's gaze as everyone stood enjoying the respite from the dreary weather. I held those captivating blue eyes, that were now beginning to read me. - Frankie