Fingers, Knees, and TOES!

This is becoming absolutely unacceptable. Last week I rescued Ruby from a date so horrid that she made her escape via a tiny bathroom window, not caring that she may be discovered…but hey, this is New York. I was ever so thankful that she elected me as accomplice to her flight from Fig & Olive, as I could swear that my date the same evening would have been considered torture in many totalitarian regimes.
I met Toetally Crazy on the train when he introduced himself one morning. We did see each other a few times and he finally worked up the nerve to begin a conversation with me before I drank my first cup of coffee (a.k.a. fuel). Following a few more morning conversations I realized that we had such a great rapport that my first cup could wait until the office and Toetally Crazy asked me out.

T. Crazy took me to Spice Market and the usual exchange of information ensued, i.e. Where were you raised? Do you have any siblings? What type of music do you enjoy? Do you have any piercings or tattoos?

I always try to choose my answer to that final question wisely. Feeling that only a select portion of the population should see how I accessorize, I coyly responded, “Well, it isn’t that easy; I am not going to tell you what type of piercings and tattoos I have, though I will say that I do have a few and I do love my toe rings.” His eyes wide with horror, T.Crazy exclaimed in a nervous tone, “UMMMM…toe rings?! Really? UMMM, well thankfully it being winter you will not wear them any time soon!” Of any type of adornment the man could have imagined or been focused upon, he was concerned with toe rings. I replied, “Actually, no, I wear them year round; I think they are pretty.” THIS man stared at me in horror, then ducked his head under the table to examine my knee high boots, coming up only to exclaim…”NOW?! You are wearing them now?! OK, that is fine…just fine…I can handle this.” ”HMMM…”, I thought, “toe rings freak him out; of all of the possible adornment type things…toe rings????” It was at this moment that our appetizers arrived. By the time our entrees were prepared, not many more words had been spoken…and…was he sweating??

“OK, I must ask,” he said in a commanding manner, “please, PLEASE, can you go into the bathroom and remove the toe rings?? I am extremely averse to the idea…the idea of [gasp] feet, and [groan] toes, and [heave] things placed…[heave] around…[gulp] TOES!!”

I stared at him blankly, having forgotten where I was and what was occurring. I was truly stunned and, for a moment, speechless. The beeping broke my trance; I read the text from Ruby and couldn’t understand, though knew that I must go. I must, first and foremost help my friend; secondly leave this lunatic behind. I began, “Well you need not worry about that; my roommate is in trouble and I must leave to help her. No worries, I will be leaving with everything that TOE-TALLY disgusts you. Thanks for a TOE-TALLY amazing evening.”

I left him sitting at the table, still sweating and made my way over to Fig & Olive. Walking past the tables I noticed an extremely attractive man sitting alone. Oh, an empty chair with a glass of wine beside the place setting. Oh well, his date must be in…the….OH! I could barely contain my laughter after walking into the bathroom, greeted by Ruby’s ass! All I could say was, “Dude. Must have been bad.” “Frankie, please just push me through,” she cried.

After meeting her outside, under the escape hatch, I explained why my response time was so rapid and suggested, “How about we pick up some Chunky Monkey and head to the salon for pedicures?” Ruby Toe-tally agreed-Frankie